I'm beginning to believe theres no point in blogging anymore. I say all the same shit. It looks pathetic. I'm just gonna wait till something new and worth while happens to write about.

When the new semester starts, so will counseling.

Okay,

I know this is all going to sound crazy but drunk me likes to talk myself. These we're things I said out loud to myself before I was going to go to bed:

Do you think you deserve it?

Yeah I mean sure. I'm just killing myself softly through this shit. I don't do drugs very often but when I do now I'm like fuck it who's gonna stop me hahahaha? 

Look, I know there is a big difference between sober me and drunk me...but drunk me always gets all my true feelings out. Honsetly that conversation with myself sounds way more dramatic than it actually is. I've just drank a handful times and do blow and just get upset with myself in the morning but no one really cares. I smoke cigarettes but not one cares. These are my self destructive materials rather than a razor. I don't like myself when I'm drunk. Like right now.

I just want some to help remind me again that I'm okay. That's all. I need help learning to love myself again. I know you're supposed to do that shit on your own but I can't anymore. I can't. I don't know. For fucks sake some one give me some kind of advice. Or a sign whatever. I hate being this alone.

Do me a favor,

Please, please, please, don't be afraid to talk to me. Ever. No matter how far apart we've drifted apart, or our history, or if we're in a relationship, just please believe that I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me. It's okay if we haven't talked in forever, if we haven't really had a real conversation in forever, it doesn't matter. If you need to talk, I will try my best to make it work. Chances are, I'd really like to talk to you too.


Just please, please, please, don't leave our conversation unfinished. It doesn't make me mad and you don't have to apologize for it, I just worry if you're alright. If you've found some one else to help you through whatever is upsetting you. Just let me know and I'll leave you be. Its totally okay. I won't be upset. Its not gonna offend me. I just wanna know if you're doing okay.

Loneliness hits everyone and it fucking sucks. So please, please, please, don't go through it alone. 

I know I rant about Kevin and Ricky and Joel on here a lot but the last two days with them have been incredibly fun. Obviously, I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I've been feeling extremely anti-social, tired, upset and just... bored. I've been sick of every one and didn't care to venture out of my home. It's comfortable like always and I risking going out of it meant risking putting up with people.


Kevin called me Sunday night during the Canuck hockey game. I looked at my phone as it rang and debated on answering for what felt like eternity. Fuck it, I thought and answered. He asked about what the score was and then informed that he'd be in town in about an hour and if I had any plans. I told him no and then he said he'd hit me up when he got back in to town and that he planned to hang with Ricky. 


I wait around by pacing around my kitchen, checking facebook, checking tumblr, checking twitter and just about anything else I could come up with to kill time. I think about how I ignored Ricky's call recently and was dreading that awkward moment where he would say something like, "Bro! I called and left you two voice mails where were you at?" I'd have to come up with some sort of "Oh I was doing music/tired/random family thing" that would sound like bullshit not matter how it came out.

Next thing I know I get call from Kevin that tells me to come to Ricky's and bring a little beer. I pack up and head out to meet to Kevin and head over to Rick's.

When we get there we are greeted by the always tall and goofy Rick with a smirk on his face saying, "Whats up bros?" in his neon colored tall tee wearing basketball shorts and sandals. We all kind of chuckle and do that awkward bro hand shake hug thing. 

The next 5 hours are followed by a few beers and constant laughter. Like they literally ALWAYS are. We give a each other shit, drink a little, chain smoke a little and laugh a lot. We flick each other shit, come up with some random show or movie we should film then giggle like middle school girls for hours.

Thats exactly how today was too. I hung out with them all day and all we did was laugh. We didn't even drink much and lately thats all I do to have fun. I think that says a lot about the kind of friendship I have with these kids. I mean I still and probably always will have that with them. As I drove home from Kevin's tonight I thought about how crazy it is that I still look up to them like older brothers. They know it and I know it. I mean I do every thing they think is cool. Yes, I think for myself but they still have that "older sibling affect" on me where if they do it then I have to. I know listen to NPR because of them. Last night Kevin and Ricky talked about these stories they herd on NPR and immediately in my head I'm like, shit I gotta listen to NPR. I turned it on while I was driving to school today. Its funny how they've managed to maintain that affect on me. They don't even meant to but I still look to them like that. I probably need it.

Anyways, it's nice that these two days were this good. I needed it. I'm sure the boost will last me a while. Plus Morrie comes home on the 10th and I couldn't be more excited for that. I'm going to make this good mood last.

There is a lot of loneliness. With that comes the sadness. Along with that comes the self reflection. Followed by that will come cigarettes and maybe a drink.

The night before Thanksgiving...I got rather intoxicated. While every one went to sleep I decided to blog. I blogged about Katie. How happy I thought I was then. Then I actually started crying. That is the second time in my life I was drunk and literally crying. I've been drunk and upset but don't normally get drunk and cry. I thought it was because of Katie that night. In the morning that wasn't why. When I started dating Katie I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew eventually we were going to become too different for it to work. I can't change her and I didn't want to.

I was crying because for the first time in my life I have no connections to anyone anymore. I'm alone. See normally, I'm used to being able to say everything to some one. To talk about my family to. To act like an idiot around. For some one reason its never really been my style to be like that with Josh or Neb. I mean we're so close you think we would. Sure I act all goofy like best friends do but theres somethings I just don't talk to them about. I don't really want to. Thats just how it is.

My mom kind of pointed out to me during this whole week that I don't like to leave home. She's right. I'm comfortable here. I do want to break out don't get me wrong. Its not like I plan on being stuck here my whole life. I just am not ready. Neb keeps pressuring me to move out with him and I don't know how to tell him I'm not ready. At the same time it might be less lonely.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for being home all the time. I'm home a lot. I don't have a job right now and I just go work out, go to school twice a week and come home. I seldom call Neb or Kyle. The only person I could have around is Josh. I don't know why but maybe its because we understand each other better than Neb and I do. I think I'm happy here most the time I do...I just don't really know where am at with my self lately.

At night time before I sleep I become my own therapist. I ask myself questions in my head, answer them and continue to search for understanding of my own mind. I think of childhood memories, past relationships, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've herd and come up with nothing. As far back as I can remember I've always been sad about something. Even when I was younger.

I remember on the Thursday night a couple weeks ago, when I got drunk and cried to my Mom, telling her I felt like something was wrong with me, she said, "Austin, you've always been my sensitive child. You always have." She's right, I always have.

I keep forgetting to mention that my mom knows and so does Molli. I told Molli on Saturday while we were on the phone but I couldn't really keep talking to her because I was interrupted by Josh and Junk. I'm also now unfortunately having a tough time shutting down my mind for the night. Too much going on.

Today wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst day either. All the shit has been randomly hitting me hard out of no where when I'm not really expecting it. I'm avoiding talking to my friends unless its Josh or Morrie. I don't go out until its the weekend. I just stick to this routine of school, working out then music. Which honestly, I do enjoy some what but I still feel bad. Junk called me 3 times right when I got home and I avoided him but then he came over anyway. I pretended I didn't know he called. He wanted to go get food and I turned him down because I mean for one I was too tired and I had just ate. He offered to buy me food but I told him no still and that he should come back over. He didn't. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't but I felt weird that he didn't call to at least give me some sort of reason why. I'm starting to wonder if my friends are noticing my habits of just sitting at home. I just feel like I have to put out this extra energy to hang out with them. Yet at the same time Junk hangs out with Tavia and Jordana and I don't really wanna hang out with them much. Neb goes to kick it with Kevin and Cam and they just get high. Its like I've gone full circle since I last left to Vegas. I feel like I'm stuck in this fuckin loop now. All this shit is so familiar.

I'm ready to tell my mom I want to go see some one. I'm just insanely freaked out on how all this shit works. I don't even know how you find one of these people and let alone I mean some one that I like. I wanted to ask Josh about his but he told me he's going back and I don't even want to tell him why I want to go in the first place. I'm just overwhelmed. A lot. I'm overwhelmed. Its getting really hard to not act like theres something up. I've been good at hiding it for a long time but its starting to not work anymore so I have no fucking clue whats gonna happen. I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Sometimes... I get drunk and do the drugs...that sound fun but I end up every time disappointed that I did them.

"It takes the same amount of time that you loved some one to get over them." Josh told me that once. I'm still weary about whether I believe that or not but its starting to make sense. It's been close to year since Katie and I cut it off, and by that I mean basically since I moved away to Vegas. Ironically, I am back again in Portland this time without her. Oddly enough its actually coming close to year that I've been without some significant in my life. By that I mean of course some I'd like date. Vegas had nothing for and since I've been back Portland hasn't had anything for me as well. Thus far. I love it here so I plan to stay. For now. I mean I'm relatively indecisive and inconsistent so who knows where I'll end up.

This time alone has left me with A LOT - I mean that - a lot of time for me to battle my own demons. If you know me, the idea that I actually have "demons" to battle with sounds dramatic. Then again whats been going on my head lately literally not one person knows about. Not Molli, not Katie and not Josh. These "demons" snuck up on me one day when I was driving to class. I was sitting in the car listening to slow music (which always puts me in a reflective mood to begin with) and I was trying to figure out where my self hatred comes from. Fuck even that sounds dramatic. I don't hate my entire self I just have the tendency from time to time where I think I'm shit and I deserve pain and suffering. I was trying to figure out where this came from. I drew a conclusion to where this all started from and realized its something that I have tucked away for almost my whole life. No one knows about it except myself. I keep acting as my own therapist and re-diagnosing myself and telling myself that it's not a big deal and that its fine. I keep making connections to how I am now and everything I've done and it keeps going back to that.

I'm not sure the purpose of the post is rather than I just wanted to write it. Its almost 3 and I'm a little drunk.

Molli I don't know if you still read this but I hope you're doing well.

Drunk, angry, upset, frustrated, lonely - those are my thoughts most of the time.

My sister got in another fight with Devin. I'm not surprised they fought the whole time I lived in Vegas. She called the house phone at 1 this morning. I answered and talked to her for a bit. Devin apparently broke up with her and Paige got mad because he wasn't listening to her and she punched and broke his window. They were both drunk. I know Paige can be impulsive and upset at times...but I really don't like Devin. I know he means well but them two together really makes me not like him. They don't work well. They just fight each other. And I love my sister and want whats best for her so I just really wish she wouldn't date him in anymore because they always get upset and fight. Its not a healthy relationship. And I hate watching her with him. I really do. She says she loves him...and I mean what can I say? I still just strongly feel that no matter how much you love some one your fights won't end up this bad. With violence and throwing belongings in the street. I mean that didn't happen tonight but it has happened before. None of it is healthy. I swear. Shes gonna call me tomorrow. I'll talk to her then I suppose.

I read pretty much my whole blog and have realized I am apparently the most inconsistent person ever. I don't even know how to explain like my feelings go every where all of the time. Is that normal? I know I'm always questioning if I'm sane or not but I mean as I was re-reading some of what I wrote my feelings change so much about the same topic. And I constantly have my hopes up for things and it goes well for a while then I figure out I don't actually like it. Which leads me to wondering what I do even like. I loved Oregon. Then hated Oregon. I loved Vegas. Then hated Vegas. Now I'm back in Oregon and love it. At some point am I gonna hate Oregon? I feel like I probably have problems making decisions. Not probably, more like clearly I have problems making decisions. I apparently have a hard time tapping in to what I'm okay with and what I'm not. How do you figure yourself out? Maybe its not through some one else. I know I'm still just as lonely here right now as I was in Vegas. And that I clearly left Vegas not because I wanted to go there for my benefit but because I felt like I needed to leave people here. Katie, Josh and Neb.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't. I'm trying to think it through but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to even be thinking through. Or what answer I'm looking for. I'm constantly contradicting myself. How long have I been doing that? I feel like I've been doing that for a while.

Also after re-reading I realized I am a selfish person. I mean not terribly and I don't know how much I am now but at least I was before I left Vegas. I'm still trying to even figure out how much I've changed since then. Or if it even matters.

I miss Katie. Thats that. Thats all. Whatever I do. Being back home has made me miss her. Whatever. Fuck it its on the table. Out in the open. Nothings gonna happen with her and I - I know that. I just wanted to say it.

I feel like I need a fucking therapist or something fuck. Or this is just completely normal for 19 year old boy who just moved back home after 6 months of drinking. I don't even know why I'm saying 6 months I still drink a lot. I mean definitely not as much there but I still drink.

I'm normal right? Like this all normal right?

I'm fucking frustrated. I don't even know if thats half of it. I get an email from the advisor for PCC today about the music program I'm trying to take it and just says this:
"Hi, Austin: We have reached the end of our advising schedule. Most of our classes are full. Students who want to start the program generally see me in the spring for advising. In many cases, they need to take intro classes that we offer over the summer term. We start classes in three weeks, but most of our students have laid the groundwork and done their advising and scheduling much earlier. There may be some room in some of our course, but most of the core classes have filled."

I'm tired of being so fucking indecisive all the time. Its really delaying out my life. For some reason I moved to Vegas and then moved back because I couldn't make up mind. Now that I'm here again I have to start all over again with getting my name out its starting to get frustrating. Right when I was ready to go to fucking school and actually start doing something I run into this shit. Great. It might take another fucking year for me to go to school. Fucking really? I need to take those intro classes I know I do I don't wanna fuck up because I didn't take them. Tt just fucking sucks they aren't available all the time. I can't sit around like this for another year and feel like I'm doing shit. I'm just constantly stuck right where I started. I need to move forward and I am really trying I am. I just don't know why I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what to do I'm doing everything I fucking can I'm going god damn insane.

fuck

Things with Hayleigh went to a screeching halt a while back. Basically as soon as my mom told me that she didn't like her. I didn't either. I really didn't when I thought about it. I don't know what it was about her I did like really. She was new. That was exciting for a while. Then she turned all negative. She had nothing good to say about anything. And I know she is in a bit of a rough patch with her life - I understand that I do but she didn't have anything good to say about any one. Or anything. She's never trying to help herself either. She won't quit smoking weed because she's stressed about her job yet so I said why wouldn't you quit smoking to find a new better one and she just went with, "There's no way." I mean this girl I some times felt like wouldn't even listen to me talk. Shit was always about her. Anyways, I don't wanna keep dwelling on whatever her and were and her shit because I'm passed all that and don't want to deal with her again so whatever.

I'm staying in Portland. I applied to PCC for their music program. So I will be living at home for a while and just going to school. The whole time I've been home my mom was constantly asking me when I wanted to go back to Vegas and I would just kind blow off the question and say soon, soon, except I didn't really mean it. I didn't wanna go back. I didn't really like Vegas. I'm not sure why I moved there. I mean I'm sure if I read back in my blog I can tell you exactly why. Vegas was basically the whole entire reason I started this damn thing. I can't help but feel kind of bad that I'm not returning. A lot of people liked me down there and I feel like leaving will let them down. I know its stupid to feel that way but thats just how I think. I'm working on making decisions based on my own behalf rather other's. Which will be yet another first for me. Also this decision to go to PCC was a first for me considering I've been blowing off an decision making over the past year. But hey I consider myself a work in progress and am taking it all one step at a time as slow as possible but at least I'm starting to be stepping forward with my life.

I do like being home. I'm more focused on music here. Which is good. I have my own little studio (which is actually one of my old rooms at the end of the house) which is awesome because I can be as loud as I want. So hopefully a lot productivity will take place here as well.

I saw Katie for the first time about ago. We got coffee and it was pretty nice. Got caught up and talked about old times and what not. We admitted that we missed hanging out with each other because we both used to just sit and talk about how we didn't wanna deal with any one because they were annoying. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

After coffee she came over to my house to hang out. Asked me what I was gonna do with Vegas and what not. I ended up explaining to her about how I didn't know (surprise) and how I wasn't exactly happy there. I bitched about the rave scene there and what not. She ended up sitting me down listening to me talk about it and wrote down everything I said and made this like T Chart thing about the pros and cons of Vegas and Portland and it actually helped me reach my decision. Because I had literally avoided all thinking about all of that kind of shit. So it was nice...and typical Katie to do that kind of thing.


Its gonna be interesting being back here again. So here it goes.

So, a couple days ago my parents purchased me Logic Pro. This is the $500 dollar software that they spent on me to produce music with. Its an incredibly supportive and I appreciate so much but now I'm scared. Now I have to make this work. With Josh and Neb telling me all the time that I need lock myself away and start writing writing writing, I feel like all this pressure pressure pressure is starting to fucking build up and its freaking me out. I need to be great. I need to produce good music. I don't want to let these people down. I'm freaked out that maybe I won't be good enough. I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure I do it I'm just scared now I don't know. I need to get this shit out of my head because once I start thinking I'm not good enough I don't want it to seep into my subconscious and me not knowingly give up on myself or some shit like that. I don't know if that is even possible it just have that idea in my head. I wanna be great. I will be great. I can be great. I am gonna produce awesome music and travel the world spin parties and no one will be let down.

I'm in the backyard stretching after my run when my mom starts talking to me about Hayleigh. She tells me how she felt Hayleigh disrespected her. She tells me how she felt Hayleigh doesn't like her. She tells me how she tried to be nice, tried to ignore her and tried to understand her approach. She tells how me she feels Hayleigh is too negative. She tells me how she's not impressed with Hayleigh smoking weed every day. She tells me how its so strange that she started out so nice and sweet and then something happened. She tells me how she feels Hayleigh just isn't happy. Then she says any girl is a tough act to follow after Katie.

I just nod. And say things like, "yeah" and "I know". I don't know what else to say. Theres nothing really to say. Hayleigh did start off so nice and then turned into this... negative person. I know she has a hard life. I really hard life. She's been living on her own since 16. She's raised her self. She works full time and goes to school full time. Her best friend is moving out on her. She has no where else to go now. By the end of the month she needs to find some one to live with. She can't go home. But the thing is...I don't see her doing anything about it.

After my mom said something about Katie I got stuck on thinking of her. I still I am which is probably why I'm writing this. I blew Katie off twice for coffee when I got home. I don't know why. Maybe I was scared to see her. Maybe I didn't want to. I don't know. I don't know. But after I met up with Alyssa for coffee she told me I need to go. So I apologized to Katie and told her whenever she gets back from her trip we should go.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm not as over it as I thought I was. Maybe I felt that way in Vegas because I wasn't home. I guess some times old feelings will creep up on you at the places they started from. I just keep playing my mom saying how Katie is a tough act to follow and she was the sweetest girl in the world. And she is, she truly is. Its hard to let something like that go when all your family and all your friends loved having her around. Thats always been a big deal to me. If my Mom and my friends don't like you then its not going to work. At all. I need them to love you like I will.

I'm currently ignoring Hayleigh. Trying to figure what I'm going to say. What I'm going to do about it. I still don't know. Running from it is only gonna make it work. I know this but I can't help myself. Every time my phone vibrates I'm hoping its not her. Which is pretty terrible at this point. I should known something was wrong when she fought with Neb.

Fuck it.

Does my mind think too fast for my own good? Am I really an anxious person? Why do I love everything dark and insane? What does it take to be insane? Am I insane? Why do I need to be talking to some one all the time? Why do I hate people so much? Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Why can't I ever relax? Am I causing my body harm? What do I really want?

I question I question I question I question and can't shut myself the fuck up.

I'm home now. I have been for two weeks or so. I'm moved out of Jon's and moved in with my sister. After I moved all my shit to the my house I left with my Dad and Sean back to Oregon. And here I am.

I'm trying to figure out how much I like Hayleigh. And what to think about the whole thing. I mean I like her because she makes me view things in a different light but I feel like she keeps things from me. I don't really know what else I'd expect this is the most we've ever hung out and I'm leaving at the end of the month so in a way its kinda like whats the point? She constantly reminds me to stop viewing shit in a negative light. It's weird because I'm normally the one telling people to look at everything positively. Hypocrites give the best advice anyway.

I don't wanna go back to Vegas. I don't like it there. Which is unfortunate considering that is the place where I am going to try to make my passion into a career. The people there just aren't like the people here. Most of them at least. Its hard to come by a legitimately good person. I just get drunk and forget people's names. Which I've made very apparent in past posts. All that will have to stop when I go back. I'm going to just sit and write music and not fucking talk to anyone. I will become the biggest fucking introvert possible. Which is terribley hard for me. I just really need to focus.

Las Vegas is lonely. Thats the other thing. Maybe I'm too picky with people I surround myself but I hate most of those kids. I mean I get along well with them but honestly they don't mean anything to me. Maybe its because I haven't given them a better shot but I just honestly... don't like them. Its probably because I miss home I don't know. Being back has made me realize that I don't belong anywhere else but the Pacific Northwest. I don't plan on living in Las Vegas longer than I have to. The second I can leave I will be gone.

I met up with Molli the other night while I was in Eugene at Tia's party. It was really really nice. I was bit on the drunk side but I remember it all very clearly. Its really nice knowing that after all the shit we've gone through she's still there. When I was in Vegas I would get drunk and call her. Very late at night. For a while I would drink with my friends down there and when they all left I would still be up and alone and upset. I had no one to talk to down there so I called Molli. She answered and would listen to me drunkly babel about god knows what. That's real friendship. That's a connection that won't ever fade. Whatever it is, no matter what happens, it won't go away. That's comfort.

Hayleigh Bailey. I met her when I spun the party in Santa Clara for Morrie's frat. I remember talking to her that whole weekend. We hung out the whole time and talked and talked and talked. A month and some days later we're still talking every day. She came down to Vegas from Portland for EDC weekend. I spent the last 2 days of EDC and the day after with her. That whole weekend was an incredible. To go through and experience all that with some one was every thing I dreamed. Kissing her during the big build ups, talking about who had the sickest set and falling asleep together after a long a long night. It was a dream.

What freaked me out is in March I wrote this thing on here about how I wanted to meet some one that was passionate about the music I am. Thats not just in it for the drugs. Yes we both rolled at EDC for 2 of the days but we weren't just rolling because we wanted to get fucked up. And I know I've said I don't need them to enjoy them but I decided with that weekend it felt special. Especially when you're doing it with some you like. Regardless, she knows the music. I can talk to her about sets and tell her all this songs with sick drops and she'll tell me some too. I fucking love that. I fucking it. She's so supportive about it. She's even trying to get me a show when I come back to Portland. When I'm home I plan on spending way more time with her.

I don't know where this whole thing is going to lead. A long distance relationship? I don't know. I'm not gonna over think it like normal. I'm just going to go for it one step at a time. Besides, it feels right.

I don't fucking know what I want to do. I just need everything to go one step at a time. Apparently I'm passed that.

One of the nights before the big Mansion party, I spun at a small little grad party with Josh. We booked it on accident thinking it was something completely opposite. We were skeptical at first but the night turned out to be a real good time. We actually ended up spinning a lot of old school hip hop for the adults and talked to them a lot. Anyways twords the end of the night after we were done spinning we hung around for a while to eat, drink and socialize a little. I ended up having a drunken talk (he was drunk I was sober) with the girl's Dad that we were spinning for. He came up to me and started to tell me about how he once had a music career and watched it build up and fall apart because mistakes he made. He claimed to be on top and then next he knew ended up in jail where he proceed to get straight run a couple of successful trucking business that just like any business was up and down. During this talk there was a point where he stopped looked me in the eyes and said, "I can see it in your eyes. You love this. The minute you walked in with your cases and gear I could tell. You're eyes show all your ambition and all your dedication. You're hungry for this. You don't give a fuck about us here, lets be honest, we're gonna pay you and you're not gonna give a fuck about us. And thats okay because you a give a fuck about what you're doing. Remember where you come from, I know you do now but its easy to let slip away. So don't."

In a way, he was right. When it came to little shit like this I could give a fuck less about what people really wanna hear. I wanna play what I love. Not to be a dick about it but its just my passion and I want you to love it as much as I do.

So I agreed with him. I ended up telling him that because of this conversation I gave a fuck about him and what he said to me. I told him I will never forgot where I came from.

He paid us and we left.

Last night I did coke.

I was talking with Able for a while about producing and DJing and how I think him and every one else involved in Frequency was doing a good job bringing in good artists and what not. While we were talking some one came up to him and gave him a little zippybag of coke and he asked if I wanted a bump. I was drunk so I said sure. We walk to the back and he dips his key into the bag and holds the key to my nose. I sniff. We walked back out and we kept chatting. Then suddenly I felt so good and my drunkness kinda disappeared. When I started to come down off of it all I could think about was how badly I wanted to do it again. I felt so good and I was like shit I'd do that again. Quick and easy. It fucking scared me.

When I got home at 9:30 I went straight to bed. I had a really good time spinning and meeting a bunch of new people at the party last night I just couldn't believe I did that. I felt bad. I don't wanna be that guy thats name is suddenly associated with he does coke. I didn't really even do that much but it was a taste. And it was enough.

Before I left for Las Vegas my old lacrosse coach said to me, "Don't get lost in the party."This took place at his office on the my last of day working for him. I laughed it off and assured him that it won't happen.

Roughly 6 months later I realized how easy it is to slip off course and get distracted here. Yes, I've made a lot of progress in DJing. However I've made little progress in producing. Which is killing me. For some reason my inspiration has left me. Every time now I try to sit and get something written I get frustrated and angry and leave. Everything I write I hate. Other people's music is still inspiring me to write its just mine isn't inspiring me to continue. I don't if its because we party so much that some days I can't deal with it or if its because I need a new source of inspiration. This why I'm stoked to come home in July. I want to clear my head and get shit done. Then in late July when I can finally move in to my new house I want to have my keyboard and I want to continue learning the piano. I need something to further myself. I need to find my niche in the producing world. I'm constantly stressing out because Josh and every one around me is telling me to produce produce produce. I'm starting to play out more so I need to produce to go with it.

I have to make everything come together.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Whats crazy is I'm almost like lucid but not really. I can't control my dreams but I know I'm having them. Last night I had this dream I was in a haunted house and I saw a sink going with no one near it and I knew it was a ghost. Then the faucet turned and in my dream I got super freaked out and tried shouting and what not to wake myself but I couldn't fully do it. I remember these feeling of me being half awake but my body was paralyzed. I literally couldn't move for what seemed like minutes. My sheets felt like they're were pushing me into my bed. I did a bit of research on this today and discovered I may have sleep paralysis. It doesn't happen to me often but last night really freaked me out for some reason. Basically its when you're awake and fully aware of your surroundings but can't move. Heres the kicker: I read that this tends to happen when you have a feeling of an ominus presence. I am constantly freaked out by ghosts so I figured...this where that comes from. Pretty much ever since my ghost experience in Dammasch I get randomly freaked out that maybe something followed me or that theres a ghost or something in my room and I can't sleep. So basically this where that all comes from.

Its been an interesting 2 months since my last post. A lot has happened. We lost internet and cable. DJing drama went down then went amazingly. Old friends were revisited and I now have a house in Las Vegas that I will be moving into in July or August with my sister.

On memorial day weekend I went up to Santa Clara to spin a party for Morrie's frat. That party was incredible. I've never seen so many people passionate about the same music as I was. They loved every minute of my set. I ended up networking with a party promoting company down there that wants to bring me back whenever they can. I hope that works out.

Seeing Morrie and meeting his girlfriend was awesome. I got to catch up and see where Morrie's life is taking him. And as always its taking him to great places. I was surprised to find that 2 months or so prior to my arrival, Morrie had been talking to Neb and Josh and my parents. They planned to surprise down at Santa Clara to come watch me spin. Among the group was Josh, Neb, Geoff and this kid Eric. It felt like home. Then another shocking discovery was that they had planned on having Ashley come down and take pictures for the event like the old days. Ashley was always there from the beginning snapping photos of me spinning. She brought a friend of hers along as well. Hayleigh Bailey. I faintly remember meeting her up at Freaknight in Seattle. I got to her know her pretty well that weekend. Every chance we had we were talking about life, talking about the world, family, everything. She was the first person I've connected with in a long time. She and that whole trip in general made me miss Oregon. A lot.

My mom came and visited for 5 days to search for a house. While she was a here a took a break from Las Vegas and just hung out with her and Paige. It was amazing. I felt at home again. My mom felt better about me being gone. She explained how much she hated how the house has change. How she's "adopted" Hap and Ryan even more because she missed having kids in her house so badly. The whole time she was here she kept asking me if I really liked it here. If I really wanted to stay. I said yes and no. I explained, "The trade off from living in Vegas and Portland is its change in networking and people. In Vegas I could meet any one and end up any where. However, the people here are fake and not genuine. Most people at least. In Portland, I have the most amazing laid back people in the world. But Portland has limits. For my career its best to stay here...but in turn I don't get real people to connect with. I don't get to come across genuine people as often anymore. I'll stay here through college and when DJing and Producing allows me to, I will leave Vegas. Maybe not back to Portland but definitely back to a place that feels genuine. When you live in a city thats basically a giant strip mall, you get what you pay for."

Hayleigh has lined up a show for me when I return home in July. I'm looking forward to it. Not just the show but to be home. I need a break from this lifestyle.

This morning I woke up to a text from Sean he had apparently sent at 4:30 last night. It read, "Yo, I'm spinning at a Palms suite party...your name keeps coming up, in a good way. Big things are coming, man..." I smiled and let me head hit the pillow. Its all falling into place.

When I'm drunk and by myself stupid things happen.

I have become an introvert. I mean I've basically always been one but lately its been taken to new heights. My current social life consists of working, then going to my room drinking with the roomies or going to party then back to my room again. I don't really like any one anymore. I've started to prefer my own company way more than any one else's. People just annoy me now. I don't like them. I was out drinking on Friday with Paige, Devin and Tomasetti (who hopefully will be Paige and I's future roomie) and Tomasetti and Paige and I were having a drunken conversation about how we all 3 hate people so we're gonna work out great. And its that we hate people... I'm not really sure what it is. I mean I've always said I hate every one kind of meant it but I don't know. Maybe I do hate every one. Paige and I have always been picky when it comes to friends and if you're annoying to us you're probably gonna fucking know. Yet at the same time we're both overly friendly people. I love to talk to to people. I'm like one big contradiction. I love and hate every one. I don't even understand it. In the back of my mind all the time I just keep thinking about how I don't wanna deal with any one. Does my self-loathing and narcissism lead me to just hate every one?

I think I'm two people. The one in my head and the one out loud.

Today was the first day I legitimately wanted to be home in Oregon. I wanted to be back in my comfort zone with my safety net full of people. I know when I write on here I tend to dwell on the bad times the most (especially when I write about home)... I don't mean to but I guess this where I like to place my negativity while it hides behind all the smiling and laughing. Anyways what I'm trying to say is that my time in Oregon wasn't always as terrible as I seem to make it sound. I had an amazing group of friends there. They all loved me and cared for me. They would have done anything for me. I had a girlfriend that I was lucky enough to share my whole senior year with. That was pretty incredible. I had a best friend who lived 2 hours south of me who I shared an incredible amount of growing up with. It's not easy doing it alone. I learned the most from her, hands down. I don't know if anything will match up to all those experiences we shared. I had a Mom and Dad that I could hang out. I had a job that was the biggest joke but was always always entertaining. I had a brother that I fought and laughed with. I know I'm making it seem like all those things are gone - which I know they aren't - its just not sitting comfortably in my back pocket. I'm on my own which yes is a big scary thing but I mean I've learned a lot about who I am since I've been on this journey. It's hard. It is. To be alone but I feel its something people should do. If you're dependent on people all the time what do you really know about yourself? You don't push and test yourself in a comfort zone. You don't try knew things because you simply don't have to. Being on your own is bittersweet.

The thing I've been missing most lately is the sober moments. When I used to hang out with people like Josh, Neb, Meesh, Junk, Brad, Mike, Scotch, Chris, Joel, Pollman, Jordan and Nick we'd ALWAYS be laughing. At something. The craziest part was that we were sober. We were just weird as fuck and it was hilarious. The amount of inside jokes that are shared between all those people is endless. Everything was funny all the time. It was impossible to not have fun. Even when we were all bored together. We were laughing and it was simple.

Las Vegas isn't like that. We're good friends in all but we're always either getting drunk or out getting drunk. Sure we laugh about the drunk things we did last night but its not the same. While we're sober we kinda don't hang out with each other. We just do our own things. We don't really hang out together. I don't even know why its like this. Do we really know each other? I got to know Jon really well the first couple of months I lived here but something changed. Maybe it was school starting and me getting a job but now the only time we really kick it is when its the weekend and its time to drink. This was the first weekend I DIDN'T wanna drink. At all. I wanted to be mellow and relax. I didn't wanna shake hands with people and try to differentiate who I know and who I don't. I didn't wanna have awkward drunken conversations with some girl about god knows what. Honestly, I can't even tell you half of the kids name's I've met. I just wanted to lay in my bed and watch a movie. Or go see one. Or play video games until I'm delusional.

Las Vegas is a great city...but some times I really miss my laid back Portland. And every one that came with it.

So here's what I've really learned about the rave scene in Las Vegas. It sucks. It really does. Tonight was empty. I brought it hard though. What matters is that I killed it in front of all the other DJs and Promoters. What I've realized is that its going to be hard coming from the underground scene to the bar scene to the club scene. Its going to be extremely hard here. People here look at the underground scene like its a joke. But people like Sean and Chad have potential to change it. If they don't give up. They don't promote like the people in Portland do. I understand why it can be really hard to be passionate about the music here when only the 21+ crowd believes it. In my honest opinion you have to inspire the young people with it too. The problem with that is you get all 16 years old running around rolling balls and ODing like at EDC last year. Which is way everything is now going 18+. Which is going to help because people see the little highschoolers running around and don't wanna come. I really hope it helps.

Honestly its really hard to not be discouraged about this city some times. Maybe I shoulda stayed in Portland or moved to Seattle or California. At the same time I don't wanna think like that. I knew this was gonna be challenge and I'm going to persevere. I just wish every one could feel my passion for the music like I do.

I will make them.

I need to find some one to talk to. I'm losing it. I hate being this lonely. I'm going crazy in my own head. I hate all the girls I've met here. They're not real. They don't really wanna hear about what you have to say. They don't care. I'm losing it.

I don't want either my best friends to move down here. Neb texted me last night about how him and Josh talked about moving down here. Then I woke up to a text from Neb this saying that he's seriously considering it. When I first got the text about him and Josh I kinda blew it laughed at it and said "yeah right". But then when I woke up to the text from Neb I didn't even know what to think. I still don't want them here. I got so tired of them both before I left. Sure I miss them but I more miss who they were. Not the two best friends they were when I left. Those weren't the ones I was friends with. I find it strange that even miss me. I knew they would but I mean I wasn't doing the shit they were doing with them. I wasn't doing all the drugs. Sitting at Jared's every day getting high, finding new things to snort, pain killers to take and planning on other shit. Yeah I went over there to chain smoke and drink for good conversation. I'm guilty. Sometimes it was fun. But then it just got out of hand.

In only honesty I doubt Neb will even come here. Although when he was texting me he kept bringing up that he had NO reason to be in Eugene. He says he doesn't want to go OSU or UO. Which I guess is reason for him to leave. I do think I could see Neb making a change in himself. Thats the only way I'd want him to move here. If he stopped all the fucking drugs. I encouraged him to look in to UNLV. Who knows.

I get this text from Molli on Saturday. It reads, "Josh just called me and asked if I knew where to get yak."

I stare at my phone screen. My stomach drops a little. Whats funny is I'm not surprised he's looking for it again. I'm disappointed and sad and mad but I can't let it get to me because this partly why I left Oregon. I don't know if he's on it again but it sure sounds like it. I talk to Josh on the phone about every day and he always makes himself sound like he's way better than he actually is. But thats Josh. If he's not lying to you he's leaving something out. I hope he figures it out one day. Ever since I left Oregon I've had this thought in my head that one day I'm gonna get a call from some one telling me one of my friends died. Its stupid but I don't know I can just see it actually happening. I saw a recent picture of Bradford today on facebook. He looks like shit. He looks so fucking skinny like he's not eating at all. I'm sure he's doing it too now. And probably Cam. It makes me sad seeing and hearing about all this. These are the kids I grew up and their slowly self destructing themselves.

I've been in bad moods a lot lately. I'm not sure if its because in these past 3 days alone I've been running off 12 hours of sleep or if its because I eat one meal a day or if its because I hate two my roommates because they're dirty and annoying or if its becayse I read what Molli wrote about me.

I feel like normally I would of texted her explaining what had been going on while she was texting me which is why my texts were brief but I didn't.(By the way I really do appreciate you texting me about Jacob talking about my DJing. I love the support. I haven't turned into that big of an asshole yet.) I just read it. Then re-reading it. Then staring into my screen. Yeah I know I drink fairly frequently know but I mean thats all people do hear. I'm still DJing, still writing music - I'm not losing sight on that. Maybe I've changed. Maybe for the worse maybe for the better. I'm not really sure who I am anymore I guess. I mean I know what I want but thats not really the kind of person I am. Or is it? I'm just lonely and pissed off. I'm not pissed at Molli. I'm pissed because she's made a good point. I'm changing and I don't know what I'm changing in to. I'm normally happy all the time here but lately I've just hated every one and every thing. I don't show it but I just fucking. I don't know. I'm anxious all the time.

Katie and I got coffee on Friday morning before she left Vegas. It was surprisingly not awkward. We caught up with each others lives, texted all day the next day and haven't talked since. I don't even care. I think it means I'm over it. Which I guess is nice.

The girl I love has to love the music. Not the drugs. She's gonna have to listen to me ramble about all the new tracks I love and how all of them have the sickest drops. She's gonna have to be able to lay in my bed with me for hours and listen to every DJ set.

She's gonna do it because she loves me.

She's gonna do it because she's in love with the music.

This what I don't understand about Jon: he constantly complains about not having a girlfriend but is always juggling a bunch. He comes almost home every day with some girl he "fell in love with" and then goes on about which girl he should go for. Every time he talks about this shit I straight up call him out. I'll be like Jon, " I get why you think its hard to pick one. Really I do. All you do is find excuses of why you shouldn't date. Theres always gonna be reasons why you shouldn't date some one. But you do it anyway. Stop fucking around with 30 girls and just pick the one that legitimately makes you not just smile but brings you real happiness. Stop being so afraid of commitment and do it. You're not gonna regret it. And honestly, stop fucking searching for some one. Some one will find you."

He'll shrug it off.

Make an excuse.

I'll say, "okay".

We talk about something else.

Carter has been in town for the past 2 days. Its strange how well we've been getting along. We used to fight about everything all the time. Maybe he and I have both grown up to tolerate each other. I noticed how much trust he puts into me. How much he really looks up to me. Its crazy. I don't wanna let him down at any moment. Or put him in any kind of harms way. When we were drinking last night I kept on asking him how he was to make sure he didn't get sick or something. He didn't really drink all that much but I could tell he was tipsy. He's a hilarious drunk person however. Normally he's a sarcastic asshole. But when he drinks he becomes this big fucking teddy bear that can't say whats up to you with putting his hand on your shoulder. Alcohol always brings out the real deep emotions in people I swear. Which is good and bad I guess. Its just nice to have this new relationship with my brother. He really is a funny ass kid. Like its ridiculous. We've never bonded before and I hope I can get to him better like I should have been doing the whole time he was brother. I'm not gonna fuck that up again.

I miss having some one to talk to. Some one to lay with. Some one thats gonna play with my hair. Some one that'll sleep next to me. Some one that will let take them out on dates. Some one that will watch weird indie movies with me. Some one that loves music like me. Some one who will laugh with me. Some one who you look at me and tell me that what I just said was retarded. Some one who will call me out. Some one who makes me wanna be better. Some one who will let me stare into their eyes. Some one that will let me see them without make up. Some one who will want me to kick it with them an their friends. Some one who will want to wrestle me. Some one to hold hands with. Some one to kiss.

I can't wait to have that again.

Katie texts me today. She informs me she's coming to Vegas next Thursday and Friday. My stomach turns. We haven't talked for over a month. We probably won't again till she's here. I tell her we should get coffee or lunch. She likes that. Nothing freaks me out more than this idea. For one I'm not over it. Second I'm trying to figure how much I've really changed. The main difference I really notice is that I'm drunk more. Always at partying. But thats college right? How pathetic is it that I've gotten so used to going to bed drunk that I never sleep well when I fall asleep sober. Yeah its sad or whatever but I mean I am having fun. Thats something I plan on leaving out whenever we do end up meeting up. I don't even know its gonna go. I mean is it gonna help me get over it. I just feel like...nothing really closed with the way I left. I mean I just moved. That was all. We knew it was gonna be over but I don't know. I mean I think I've been dealing with it. How the fuck do you even deal with it? Is it time? Is time really gonna make it fade? Who knows. Hopefully it does.

I'm pretty ready to meet some one new either way. I keep searching which is way I'm failing. I always tell people to let them come to you. Hypocrites give the best advice anyway.

I do miss you. I'm not sure why I can't text you or call you when I'm sober. I'm sorry for that. Lately I've been lonely here. When I'm sober I'm too foolish to admit it. Those few days I called you a lot, I waited till every one went to bed. Then I'd go outside for a cigarette and dial your number. I remember how you used to always be there for me all the time. I guess maybe I forgot to let that part go which is why I've been calling you.

Oh the irony. See I used to preach about how I never wanted a college lifestyle. I swore against going to a real college, joining a frat and being apart of all the partying. Deep down I could easily imagine myself doing that. I could see it. I've always seen myself having a college experience and I've also seen myself not having it. However since I've moved here all my new friends are living the college experience and they're all having a good time. They love it. I think I want it too. Since I've moved here all my friends have been in Lambda Chi. My bestfriend here Jon is and he's introduced me to a lot of great people. And all of these great people have actually tried to help with my DJing. They tell me to join their frat not because they need people to rush or something but because they like me as a person. They even said if I didn't they'd still treat me like I was in it. They do now. Honestly I'm planning on going to UNLV and rushing them. They mean a lot to me. If like I'd be foolish if a passed up such a positive thing like that. Because honestly heres how I see it:

I pass up UNLV. I got IADT pay 80,000 and probably get some good connections and learn a bunch more about music technology and writing than UNLV will teach me. The cons are, I'm gonna be paying off 80,000 for fucking ever. Also its like a private school basically and the social circle there is tiny. TINY. I'm a very social person I can't handle that shit. So instead I choose UNLV. By the time I start college I will have residency here in Las Vegas. Basically school will be fucking cheap. My friends get money back each year to go here. Its an awesome social circle and you meet A LOT of people which is very very very good for networking. You never know who you're gonna meet. However their music technology program is only a minor and not as good as IADT's music production program. I'd also have to find a major and who the fuck knows what thats gonna be. This also means I have to do real school work. And I hate school. So fucking hell thats gonna suck. Most importantly I DO NOT WANT UNLV TO RUIN MY DREAM. I'm scared shitless to go. I came here to DJ. To focus on music. And by choosing UNLV school and frat life and work and DJing is going to incredibly hard to focus on. I don't want to get sucked into it and find myself graduating working a shit job telling people how I used to be a DJ. FUCK THAT. I can't let that happen. It still scares me though. I cant help that.

I know it sounds like I clearly have my mind made up but believe me it changes every second of every day. Typical of me I know but I'm actually gonna have to nut the fuck up at some point and make a decision. I just don't want it to ruin me.

Now that I have a job times gonna fly. Which I am not looking forward to. Its already been almost 3 months since I left and I don't even understand it. I know that March is going to turn to July very quickly and I'm really not looking forward to it. I love where I live. I'm gonna miss being around Jon, Chaz and Erika. I don't even like thinking about it. Then the days are gonna blur together even more than they already have. I don't really wanna move all the way out to Henderson because I'm gonna be so far from the people I met. I mean I won't be that far but I'm not gonna live here. I wanna be around all the people I am now so when the move happens I will communicate with them better than I do with people from home. It makes me wanna go to UNLV and join Lambda. Joining a frat is something I never thought of doing until I met join and all his friends in the frat who are now all my friends. I love them. They're all the kids who never thought of joining one and then created one. They're the most legitimate people I've met in my life. They're all so friendly and welcoming its ridiculous. Since day one those kids have treated me like I was one of them. They always ask me if I'm planning on rushing and I hate saying I probably won't. Although UNLV has a similar program like the one at IADT. And its cheaper. I'd just need to find a different major. This a whole other topic that I don't really feel like going into right now though. I just know over the next few months I'm going to value all this time here. And the people here. I plan on meeting and making more friends.

It has recently occurred to me how much my brother and I's relationship has been changing. Carter and I used to never get a long. Ever. I mean it had gotten better before I moved out but I mean we fought a lot. He always would annoy me. The only reason he annoyed me was because I would basically parent him all the time. I had to. He was my little brother and if I thought he was doing something wrong I'd fucking tell him to stop. I'd always tell him when he was being a little fuckhead and would call him out on every thing. And I always knew he looked up to me but I always kinda shunned him. He always wanted to impress me and I was basically a dick. I mean it was like never ending. Always wanting to show me shit and I just for some reason wouldn't care. Maybe it was just a little brother thing I don't really know.

Carter is coming to visit on the 19th. I'm actually really looking forward to this visit and I know he is a lot too. My mom sent me a text telling me Carter made the JV baseball team so naturally I decided to text him and congratulate him. We texted a little and I asked him how school was and he responded, "The gayest thing ever," (Typical Carter comment) " I would rather walk to Vegas and see my siblings then go for another couple weeks at school." I never really realized how much he loved to be around my sister and I. Apparently I just chose to ignore it for a long time. I think the fact that I moved away and the fact that he is also growing up has started to change our relationship. We're getting along for once. My mom also informed me that she smoked a black and mild with him and he seems a bit curious about drinking so when comes to town Paige and I are gonna take care of that. Safely of course. I really am looking forward to kicking it with him while he's here. Actually sitting down with him talking and really getting to know him. I regret to say it but out of all 18 years I lived in the same house with him, I never did. Nor did I make an effort to. Thats all going to change.

"You know your Mom misses you like crazy. Shes like depressed or something. She said 'I just want my babies to come back home.' I thought she was gonna cry when saw me and Junk."

"Yeah man I know. She texts me and calls me a lot. I mean dude she misses every body being around all the time you know? That house has to be so quiet all the time now. Like I know Carter is there but I mean I don't know how it is there any more."

This was part of the conversation Josh and I had the other night when I called him. In all honesty I feel bad for my Mom. Her and I got a long so well. Always on the same level and always laughing about everything. Talking about music all the time. She gives me all the support in the world for what I'm doing. She always loved my passion for music. She used to tell me that she missed hearing me play the drums. Now she misses the house shaking from my DJing all the time. I mean the house truly has to be quieter now. I used to hang around and drink beers with her and my Dad and the Marshalls. All the time. When I didn't wanna do a bunch of fucking drugs with my friends after I worked on the weekends; I knew that would be going on at my house and I loved it. She misses smoking black and milds with me out on the back porch so we could talk. She misses all my friends stopping by the house causing a bunch of commotion. She misses cooking for every one. Watching Blazer games with Junk and I. She misses it a lot right now. I just hope its not hurting her. I was glad Junk and Josh stopped through the other night to visit her and watch the game with her. I mean my Mom doesn't wanna grow up. She's a lot like me in that way. She's always welcomed young people into our home and into our lives. All to be apart of our family in a way. Our family isn't just the Kane children its all our friends. Every one that has ever stopped through to eat dinner, to socialize, to drink with us. Its the one household you can instantly walk into and be yourself. NO one judges you there. Its safe. And its amazing.

My Mom has always lived by this one motto: "There are no ordinary moments." When you're with our family there couldn't be anything closer to the truth. From our "Sunday Night Spaz Outs" to playing Kings Cup and Dan not catching on to why every one is saying "Its Austin's birthday at twelve o'clock". When you're at the Kane house you're guaranteed to laugh. You're guaranteed to be treated like family.

I can't sleep again. And when I do I wake up. I can't seem to get my mind to stop running. Even if after I write the same things just constantly go around and around and around while toss and turn. When I do fall asleep I wake up at random times then lay there for a while thinking "why the fuck can't I go back to sleep?" I remember for a while back in Wilsonville most days all I looked forward too was going to bed.

Maybe I need to start drinking tea again before I go to sleep. Something to relax my body and mind. I've never really understood why thats been such a problem with me. I don't remember when it started or even how it did.

And I started smoking again. Fuckin I don't even know why.

Its weird, but I think my constant writing has kept me sane. See as you probably know my mind is never on a stand still. I can't stop thinking and feel like I have to be talking to some one all the time. Honestly I don't want it to be that way anymore. I don't wanna feel like I have to be texting some one every day of my life just to keep myself sane. So I think writing helps. Yeah its a lot nice when I have some one to actually tell my crazy thoughts to but thats just made me so dependable on people. I'm not independent. For fucks sake I never have been. Since I've moved out to Vegas its been lonely. I think I need it though. Even though it drives me nuts some times but I mean thats pretty much where this shit comes in. Here I can try organize my scrambled brain into thoughts for the two people that actually read it. Which is nice. Its knowing that some one understand how I think. You two probably get it better than I do.

Its funny because its only until these late nights when I'm in my bed, on my computer, I feel the need to just release it. I've always said whenever something is on my mind I just have to let it out. I'm not even sure why I'm still writing I just feel like I'm repeating myself. And I feel like I'm actually talking to some one. I'm sure my mind will ease eventually.

Today I had coffee with a very nice girl. Her name is Chanda. We sat in Starbucks and talked for 4 hours. 4 fucking hours. Thats a long time for coffee. We are very very similar people. I like it. The part that pissed me off the most was after we left the first thing I did was compare her to Katie. That fucking freaked me out. I have no idea why I did that. I couldn't help it. I hate that I did it. It's probably natural...but I'm not trying to figure out what it means. I kept thinking that no matter who I date its not gonna be like Katie and I's relationship. Which is a good thing. Nothing will. Katie and I had a good thing but it could of been better. Maybe this one will be. I don't care if Chanda isn't like Katie. I hope she isn't. I don't want her to be. I think I need something new and different. I guess I wasn't as over it as I thought it was. Fucking ay thats shitty.

Katie texted me to tell me she broke up with her boyfriend the other day. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe I'm not either. I know I'm jumping the gun a bit with Chanda like thinking I could have one with her but I am. I think I just need to take it slow. I really like Chanda. I want to get her know her more.

I guess we'll see what happens.

She says, "I'm sorry for being a bitch the other night. I was upset about Molli and over reacted. I don't wanna be on bad terms with you and I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was dating someone. I knew it was soon and I didn't wanna rub it in. I didn't think it was really going to bother you because you have just been in your own little world and seemed to just be on with your life. Which is good and I'm happy for you, but I kinda pushed you out of my head too. I went through a lot in first few weeks back to school and you weren't there for me. But it wasn't your job to be, and I think I was bitter that I needed you and couldn't give me what I needed. And this other guy was, and thats why we started dating so quick. And I'm not saying that to be bitchy, just trying to explain to you what was going on. But you'll always have a special place in my life and I do miss you. I always wish you the best. I'm sorry if I didn't show that."

I stare at my phone. I go back and re-read everything again. I say, "Wow. Thank you for all that. I know I kinda disappeared from you too like believe me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when all that shit went down like I said I would. I've been in my own world trying to move on but trust me its not as easy as I'm making it look. I don't have anyone here to really talk to. Which its probably best to be alone for a while. I probably need it."

I breathe.

My phone vibrates and it reads: " Well you're welcome. But yeah it might be good for you to be alone for a while, but alone as in single not alone as in no one to talk to. And only cuz you're so afraid of being alone. But your head thinks too fast for you to not have an outlet. So I'm still here if you to vent or bitch or just talk about nothing. I miss talking to you just cuz I'm with someone doesn't change that."

I read this over carefully a couple of times and think to myself how her being with someone does change everything. I can't talk to her anymore. Especially if I wanna get over it. We can't talk. About fucking anything let alone my problems.

I start to write back, " I appreciate it, Yeah I miss talking to you too but I just don't know if I should still be coming to you about that kind of thing. For one you're dating someone but if I really wanna get over it I don't know if should anymore."

Me saying I don't know basically means no. I just don't wanna say it. Thats what my I don't knows always tend to mean.

She says " I mean I hate to admit it but I think you're right. I just know we care about each other so its hard accepting that we can't always be each others support team."

I was kinda shocked she said that to be honest. I didn't expect her to agree.

" I know. I care about you a lot" I start, "but we can't do that anymore. Sure a friendly text every once in a while but yeah. The support team isn't gonna happen."

"I know, I agree." She replies.

I realize that this is it. This moment right here is the end of Katie and I's relationship forever. Every thing about it. We aren't gonna talk. Its done. I don't know what to say and the best I come up with is, "Alright. Well thanks for the text."

She says, "You're welcome. Good luck with everything Austin."

"Thanks Katie. You too."

And then thats it. Every thing is done and over. I feel weird. Its a mixture of being sad and growing up. I spent a significant amount of time with her and now we're done communicating. I'd say its probably not forever but I mean come on. I'm not gonna fucking text her. She won't text me. Its done. But I feel like I've grown up and learned a lot from everything. The only way I feel like I can look at it is that I've just ended I chapter in my life. Who knows whats gonna happen next.

I get the first text from you in about a month and it reads "I see you added Molli again. Glad things could rekindle :)"

"Yeah. It took you 3 weeks to find some one else," I say back.

"I'm surprised you saw that."

"Yeah. I saw it. I texted you as soon as I did to see if you'd say anything. You didn't. Why?"

"I didn't wanna rub it in," you reply.

"Is he nice?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I hope he makes you happy."

"Oh. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

In all honesty I had been waiting for you notice that I added Molli on facebook. Because I knew for it'd be a big fucking deal to you. And heres thing, I'm over all this shit. Really. Truely. I am. I fucked up. I've admitted it a thousand times. I've hated myself for it. You ironically told before I left to get over it and let myself be happy again and stop thinking I'm asshole. Yet after we talked to today it set me back. I don't like it that now I feel like we hate each other. Like what the fuck that was never supposed to happen. We left on good terms. Now it turned to shit. But whatever. Fuck it. If thats how its gonna fucking be then fine. It'll fucking stay that way. So enjoy you're new fucking boyfriend. I hope he's a real winner. He's probably some christian prick. Hope he makes you think of me. Just please if you're gonna hate me fucking hate me already. I deserve it. Fuck.

This is not how we talk to each other it never was its not supposed to be like that. We said we'd be friends. But that shit really never works in the end.

http://www.dubspot.com/

what the fuck. So. Fucking Brandon (from Spun Academy) posted a little blog thing on facebook writing about how he was the first to the whole DJ school thing and music school bull shit thing. but what the fuck.this school in new york is EXACTLY what i was fucking looking for. and its look 100 times more legit. not constant moving locations. a fucking whip it addicted instructor. they have like fucking 10 instructors. Who are all legit. Brandon maybe was legit. But that mother fucker is a fucking con artist. Now im tying to figure out it if being in Vegas was a good choice or not. ajfnasfnmsaf Fucking ay im tripping the fuck out. Should I be in new york? is that place gonna help me the most?

however.

I am getting started here. I have my first gig march 9th and its looking like they'll be more after.

BUT

that school is the school I've been looking for.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be here.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be there.

I need to relax.

Random thoughts from my head currently.

1. The inside of my brain feels like its constantly, constantly moving around in a circle, thinking, processing, debating, contemplating, talking, shouting, whispering, telling me the right thing the do, telling me the wrong thing to do, is on speed, wishing, ticking, doubting, believing, accepting, knows the truth, lying and nothing.

2. People over analyze poems too much. No poem has a real meaning. Poems mean different things to different people. That being said I wish I could still do creative writings like I used to.

3. Jon is the only good friend I have here so far. I don't want him to transfer to the coastguard after summer and go to San Diego State.

4. IADT may not be the school I wanna go to. I don't know if I'll be happy there. Its expensive. That stresses me the fuck out. Something about it gives me a weird vibe. UNLV has Music Technology and its easier to make friends there.

5. I want to inspire people some day.

6. I interview myself in my head constantly.

7. I hate silence.

8. Fuck you.

9. Why do I believe every one all the time?

10. I think I'm crazy.

11. I hate school. Really I don't think its for me.

12. I refuse to grow up.

13. I hate people.

14. I love people.

I wanna tell all these things to some one.

I've discovered somethings I actually miss about home:

1. My loud ass speakers and sub to mix with.

2. My desktop computer to producer on (its just soooo much fucking easier than a laptop).

3. My piano.

I've been listening to a lot of classical piano and movie score music lately so thats making me miss my piano real bad. Its been my new obsession. Whenever I listen to it I swear to god it changes my whole though process. It puts me in such a different place I can't even describe. I start seeing the music. I imagine scenes in my head where the music might be taking place. Its a whole new way to imagine things.

I love music

A strange thought dawned on me tonight. I was watching The Town and at the end of the movie Ben Affleck says something about he's leaving Charleston for the first time. It got me thinking about moving and what its like to be new in town. For some reason I got this idea in my head that I've always been the new kid. I still remember how badly the move from Washington tore me apart. That sounds dramatic but I was young and I didn't wanna go. I didn't understand why I had to leave my friends. I remember trying to make new friends. Trying to figure out who I actually wanted to be friends with and who was some one I just wanted hang out with because I was lonely.

The last couple of years in Oregon felt like home to me. Finally. I no longer had to listen to people talk about things in Oregon that I knew nothing about. I didn't have to keep telling stories about "my old friends in Washington". I mean I don't want to forget but it was nice to actually feel connected to my surroundings for once. I had missed that. Its funny how we tend to crave a sense of belonging.

Now I'm in Vegas. I have a new set of "old friends in Oregon." It caught me off guard because I said that a lot tonight. I talked about Josh, Neb and Meesh and all the dumb shit we did. How we always had so much fun together. I then realized I'm not going back there. I'm not. I don't plan on it. Theres nothing there for me anymore. I mean besides my family. Sure I have friends there.... but I left at a really weird time in their lives. I guess my life wasn't all that normal either. I mean fuck I was miserable there. The drugs, the girl problems and the stupid jobs. I'm sure I make it sound a bit dramatic but I felt like I was caught in this fucking shit storm. Apparently I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I am trying to let go though, really I am.

I am the new kid once again. I listen to new faces laugh and reflect on childhood memories. I smile and tell them how funny that must have been. And I patiently await, to feel at home.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Buckle. I'm pretty excited! I hope I get the job. If I do I'm gonna take some acting classes. Yes. Acting classes. Its kind of something I've always wanted to do. I think I could be good at too. And since I moved out here, why the fuck not just go for it. I have nothing to lose. I found website that shows you parts that you can apply for. So like....why not try it. I feel ambitious. So fuck it. I'm gonna do what I want.

I can't wait for my moment. Its gonna come and I know it. I can feel it. If I keep doing what I'm doing and work hard. Its bound to happen. I've been following my heart my whole life. I've been doing what I love and nothing else. I don't have one of those stories where every one around me doubts me. Tells me to think logically. Instead its filled with people supporting me. How many stories have you herd of that have that? Every one that I've shared my passion with has believed in me since day one. They know I can do it. Most importantly I know I can too. I will. I don't think anyone feels music like I do. I understands why I love it like I do. So I'm gonna show them. I'll show them how beautiful it all really is. It hits me harder than anything else ever could. I'm gonna be one top of the world one day. I'm gonna look back, smile and thank every one for believing in me. I can't wait for that moment.

For the first time in my life I'm not talking to some one. And I mean talking to some one constantly. No texting all day, no phone calls and no facebook messages. As far back as I can remember I've always had some one to talk to. All of them were love interests. I don't know if its a bad thing but I've grown to realize how much I love talking to people. I miss having some one to do that with. Some one I can just randomly say shit to. I love having random conversation. If something pops into my head I love to be able to just turn and say it to some one. I could talk for days. I have some many things I want to say. So many things I want to tell some one that it overwhelms my brain to the point where no words are even form able. I think too fast for my own good. Its like I have 30 million fucking ideas going on at one time with no way of taking time organize them into sentences. The next thing I know I'm drowning in my own world babel. I can't even blog about what I really wanna blog about half the time because if it doesn't sound how I thought it in my brain, I delete. Nothing I actually write or say is actually what I'm thinking. Some of the time. Not all, but pretty fucking frequently.

Dealing with my mind all day is a pain, truly. I need to meet some one that makes it relaxed. Makes me relaxed. Reminds me to breath.

Well what I really should say is I need to meet a person like that again and not fuck it up this time.

And I won't.