There is a lot of loneliness. With that comes the sadness. Along with that comes the self reflection. Followed by that will come cigarettes and maybe a drink.
The night before Thanksgiving...I got rather intoxicated. While every one went to sleep I decided to blog. I blogged about Katie. How happy I thought I was then. Then I actually started crying. That is the second time in my life I was drunk and literally crying. I've been drunk and upset but don't normally get drunk and cry. I thought it was because of Katie that night. In the morning that wasn't why. When I started dating Katie I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew eventually we were going to become too different for it to work. I can't change her and I didn't want to.
I was crying because for the first time in my life I have no connections to anyone anymore. I'm alone. See normally, I'm used to being able to say everything to some one. To talk about my family to. To act like an idiot around. For some one reason its never really been my style to be like that with Josh or Neb. I mean we're so close you think we would. Sure I act all goofy like best friends do but theres somethings I just don't talk to them about. I don't really want to. Thats just how it is.
My mom kind of pointed out to me during this whole week that I don't like to leave home. She's right. I'm comfortable here. I do want to break out don't get me wrong. Its not like I plan on being stuck here my whole life. I just am not ready. Neb keeps pressuring me to move out with him and I don't know how to tell him I'm not ready. At the same time it might be less lonely.
Sometimes I feel really stupid for being home all the time. I'm home a lot. I don't have a job right now and I just go work out, go to school twice a week and come home. I seldom call Neb or Kyle. The only person I could have around is Josh. I don't know why but maybe its because we understand each other better than Neb and I do. I think I'm happy here most the time I do...I just don't really know where am at with my self lately.
At night time before I sleep I become my own therapist. I ask myself questions in my head, answer them and continue to search for understanding of my own mind. I think of childhood memories, past relationships, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've herd and come up with nothing. As far back as I can remember I've always been sad about something. Even when I was younger.
I remember on the Thursday night a couple weeks ago, when I got drunk and cried to my Mom, telling her I felt like something was wrong with me, she said, "Austin, you've always been my sensitive child. You always have." She's right, I always have.
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