"It takes the same amount of time that you loved some one to get over them." Josh told me that once. I'm still weary about whether I believe that or not but its starting to make sense. It's been close to year since Katie and I cut it off, and by that I mean basically since I moved away to Vegas. Ironically, I am back again in Portland this time without her. Oddly enough its actually coming close to year that I've been without some significant in my life. By that I mean of course some I'd like date. Vegas had nothing for and since I've been back Portland hasn't had anything for me as well. Thus far. I love it here so I plan to stay. For now. I mean I'm relatively indecisive and inconsistent so who knows where I'll end up.
This time alone has left me with A LOT - I mean that - a lot of time for me to battle my own demons. If you know me, the idea that I actually have "demons" to battle with sounds dramatic. Then again whats been going on my head lately literally not one person knows about. Not Molli, not Katie and not Josh. These "demons" snuck up on me one day when I was driving to class. I was sitting in the car listening to slow music (which always puts me in a reflective mood to begin with) and I was trying to figure out where my self hatred comes from. Fuck even that sounds dramatic. I don't hate my entire self I just have the tendency from time to time where I think I'm shit and I deserve pain and suffering. I was trying to figure out where this came from. I drew a conclusion to where this all started from and realized its something that I have tucked away for almost my whole life. No one knows about it except myself. I keep acting as my own therapist and re-diagnosing myself and telling myself that it's not a big deal and that its fine. I keep making connections to how I am now and everything I've done and it keeps going back to that.
I'm not sure the purpose of the post is rather than I just wanted to write it. Its almost 3 and I'm a little drunk.
Molli I don't know if you still read this but I hope you're doing well.
No comments:
Post a Comment