I read pretty much my whole blog and have realized I am apparently the most inconsistent person ever. I don't even know how to explain like my feelings go every where all of the time. Is that normal? I know I'm always questioning if I'm sane or not but I mean as I was re-reading some of what I wrote my feelings change so much about the same topic. And I constantly have my hopes up for things and it goes well for a while then I figure out I don't actually like it. Which leads me to wondering what I do even like. I loved Oregon. Then hated Oregon. I loved Vegas. Then hated Vegas. Now I'm back in Oregon and love it. At some point am I gonna hate Oregon? I feel like I probably have problems making decisions. Not probably, more like clearly I have problems making decisions. I apparently have a hard time tapping in to what I'm okay with and what I'm not. How do you figure yourself out? Maybe its not through some one else. I know I'm still just as lonely here right now as I was in Vegas. And that I clearly left Vegas not because I wanted to go there for my benefit but because I felt like I needed to leave people here. Katie, Josh and Neb.
I don't know what to make of this. I don't. I'm trying to think it through but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to even be thinking through. Or what answer I'm looking for. I'm constantly contradicting myself. How long have I been doing that? I feel like I've been doing that for a while.
Also after re-reading I realized I am a selfish person. I mean not terribly and I don't know how much I am now but at least I was before I left Vegas. I'm still trying to even figure out how much I've changed since then. Or if it even matters.
I miss Katie. Thats that. Thats all. Whatever I do. Being back home has made me miss her. Whatever. Fuck it its on the table. Out in the open. Nothings gonna happen with her and I - I know that. I just wanted to say it.
I feel like I need a fucking therapist or something fuck. Or this is just completely normal for 19 year old boy who just moved back home after 6 months of drinking. I don't even know why I'm saying 6 months I still drink a lot. I mean definitely not as much there but I still drink.
I'm normal right? Like this all normal right?
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