I get this text from Molli on Saturday. It reads, "Josh just called me and asked if I knew where to get yak."
I stare at my phone screen. My stomach drops a little. Whats funny is I'm not surprised he's looking for it again. I'm disappointed and sad and mad but I can't let it get to me because this partly why I left Oregon. I don't know if he's on it again but it sure sounds like it. I talk to Josh on the phone about every day and he always makes himself sound like he's way better than he actually is. But thats Josh. If he's not lying to you he's leaving something out. I hope he figures it out one day. Ever since I left Oregon I've had this thought in my head that one day I'm gonna get a call from some one telling me one of my friends died. Its stupid but I don't know I can just see it actually happening. I saw a recent picture of Bradford today on facebook. He looks like shit. He looks so fucking skinny like he's not eating at all. I'm sure he's doing it too now. And probably Cam. It makes me sad seeing and hearing about all this. These are the kids I grew up and their slowly self destructing themselves.
I've been in bad moods a lot lately. I'm not sure if its because in these past 3 days alone I've been running off 12 hours of sleep or if its because I eat one meal a day or if its because I hate two my roommates because they're dirty and annoying or if its becayse I read what Molli wrote about me.
I feel like normally I would of texted her explaining what had been going on while she was texting me which is why my texts were brief but I didn't.(By the way I really do appreciate you texting me about Jacob talking about my DJing. I love the support. I haven't turned into that big of an asshole yet.) I just read it. Then re-reading it. Then staring into my screen. Yeah I know I drink fairly frequently know but I mean thats all people do hear. I'm still DJing, still writing music - I'm not losing sight on that. Maybe I've changed. Maybe for the worse maybe for the better. I'm not really sure who I am anymore I guess. I mean I know what I want but thats not really the kind of person I am. Or is it? I'm just lonely and pissed off. I'm not pissed at Molli. I'm pissed because she's made a good point. I'm changing and I don't know what I'm changing in to. I'm normally happy all the time here but lately I've just hated every one and every thing. I don't show it but I just fucking. I don't know. I'm anxious all the time.
Katie and I got coffee on Friday morning before she left Vegas. It was surprisingly not awkward. We caught up with each others lives, texted all day the next day and haven't talked since. I don't even care. I think it means I'm over it. Which I guess is nice.
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