I am ashamed of this whole weekend. I made stupid decisions and I am so ashamed, disappointed and disgusted with myself. This is not the person I was supposed to become. Fuck, I am not that person, I shouldn't even word it like that. Either way I still feel dreadful about it.


It started Saturday night. I'll be completely honest, I knew what was going to happen that night before it did. I felt okay with it because every once in a while I don't mind it. Basically, I ended up doing a couple of key bumps at a rave and drinking a little. I mean, it's not exactly anything to proud of, anytime coke is involved I'm always shameful, but again, I knew what I was getting in to so theres no justification.

The next night I went to Eugene with Neb and Kevin L. I was planning on just going to kick it Kevin S's all night but things changed. See, before I went down Kevin informed me he had a workshop to do the next day but he didn't care. We still got rather drunk off of whiskey, sang songs, and laughed together. In the middle of this I texted Josh to come get me because for some reason in my drunk mind I felt I should let Kevin go to bed and I felt things were winding down.

By the time Josh calls me I'm very very drunk and he's outside in his car with his friend Chris. Next thing I remember we're outside of a 7-11 while Josh grabs beer. After that I kind of remember seeing Geoff, Angie, Eric, and Addie, as we take shots of something and I drink more. Suddenly, Ren is over with two strange people I've never seen before. The only people left awake are Josh, Chris, Eric (maybe) and Geoff. Maybe some more, I can't really remember. All I remember is, I'm leaned over a table, trying snort a line through a straw and these two strange people are laughing at me because I'm so drunk I'm blowing mostly out instead of in. Apparently I finally get it and shit moves on. I then remember Ren's weird friends leaving and Geoff, Josh, Ren, Chris and I still blowing lines doing stupid shit. It had to be about 3 AM at this point. Geoff and Ren both disappear and then it's just me Chris and Josh. Ren leaves us with this shit called "Sunshine" (which I later find out its MDMA shit mixed with either methadone or mephadrone [mephadrone is basically plant fertilizer]. Chris and I do a line of the sunshine and Josh sticks with coke. I'm still pretty blurry on this whole thing but I kind of remember going outside and smoking cigs like mad with Josh and Geoff the whole night while we're bumping.


This is the most clear to me. Josh is sitting in chair with glasses on. Chris and I have been chatting all night and Josh is just listening. Josh then goes to bed after informing us on how coked out he was. Chris and I continue to talk. I do one more line of Sunshine just as Neb and Kevin L roll into Josh's and explains we have to go. I say good bye to Chris, say thanks for the good chat and leave with them.


I starting coming down right as we get into Wilsonville. This is around 11-1230 I can't really remember. I gain full grasp of how fucked up I've been and inform my mom I'm going to sleep. This comes as no surprise to her considering I've always came home from Eugene hung over and tired.

And then the two worst days of come down I have ever experience kick in.

Sunday, I slept all day. I kind of ate, kind of hung out with my family but mostly I slept. During my attempts at sleep my heart anxiety was through the fucking roof. My heart was beating faster than normal and I definitely noticed it. If Josh and Neb hadn't calmed me down, I was literally planning on telling my parents about this stupid fucking mistake of a Saturday night I had just had, and to take me to the hospital. I refrained. I finally slept that whole night through some how.

Then comes Monday morning. I felt like I had a fever and severe depression. I didn't go to my one class at 6 o'clock I just laid around all day watching Scrubs, going through weird hot flashes and feeling like insane shit. My parents just thought I was recovering from my weekend, I guess I was. I started to feel better later that night but I was still exhausted and went to bed early. The heart anxiety kicked in again and an irrational fear of dying in my sleep kicked in, I decided to text Josh and ask if I should inform my parents of my condition and go to a hospital. He again told me to that would be a terrible idea and I just need to fucking relax. Point was taken and eventually I feel asleep.

I woke up this morning still feeling groggy and still slightly depressed. I forced myself to eat a bagel and decided to go easy on the coffee because my head did not feel connected to my body. Before class at 10:30 I told Josh I wanted to talk later because as soon as got in my car to drive to school, depression, guilt, and disgust was hitting me so hard I could barely walk. I felt like such a piece of shit scum fuck up I couldn't believe. I mean the fact that I had to miss school yesterday because I was coming down from some stupid drug binge made me want to vomit. Magically, by the end of the day these negative feelings vanished, for the most part. 


Normally, I wouldn't of wrote all this. Honestly, by the time either of you that barely check this in the first place it'll probably be March. I mean neither of you really write in your's anymore so unless you just check this in complete chance it'll be irrelevant. I will have to tried to of buried that night deep down inside of me somewhere and most likely Carlye you'll send me some sort of text saying something to make me feel better which I do really appreciate more than you know but I mean...what will it matter then? 


Believe, me I am still disgusted and disappointed and upset about this night. My stomach turns and my mood drops every time I think about it. I know that is something that will never go away. I do want comfort from this stupid night some how. I don't even know if me wanting comfort makes sense but I fucked up so hard it brings me really close to tears.I feel so bad about it on so many different levels I can't even write it the fuck down. I just want some one outside of Josh and Neb to know. Because their best reply was "yeah man it's whatever, you were pretty fucked up." I NEVER want to have that night again ever. That's not me. THAT IS NOT ME. 
I haven't even been myself since I left for Vegas then got moved back. I don't really know whats going on with me anymore, I just need help and I need comfort some times.

So I started looking for a therapist again today. I skipped out on the appointment I made with one a while back. The saddest part about it is, I skipped out on him because I was scared and drank a lot the night before. I was way too embarrassed to even reschedule.

I'm starting to realize I need to make huge change in my life. Really huge. This is not who I was supposed to be.

It finally dawned on me. I'm exactly the way I am because I think my family is so crazy and dysfunctional. My parent's talk about Paige issues and Carter's issues and Dan's issues and Staci's issues with me all the time. Never mine. I've never wanted them to know I have any. I want them to be the perfect child that knows exactly what he is doing, is perfectly happy and alllll that bullshit. That is why I am who I am. That is why I'm starting therapy Friday. Irony isn't always funny.

New rule:

No more drinking alone.

This is going to be one of the most uncomfortable posts I've ever started to write.

So there is this stereotype that girls are really concerned about how the look and their weight and all that shit...but that actually applies to me. It's always been there but its been recently it's been worse because I've been looking back on old facebook pictures and I look less...round? Look I know I'm not a fat or whatever and I know its insanely typical for people to put on weight post highschool especially when you played sports but its been driving me mad. I wanna look that way again and I don't. I know I drink too much and don't work out as much as I used to (I do work out still) but I mean I still like hate looking at myself sometime. That sounds so insanely dramatic but I mean I'll work to look like that again if I can.  Honestly thought this is proof why facebook is the bane of our existence. Also this makes me sound like whiny pathetic bitch.

Side note...
I haven't smoked a cigarette  in almost a week and I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist or whatever the fuck you wanna call them.


Let's see what all this means.

I'm beginning to believe theres no point in blogging anymore. I say all the same shit. It looks pathetic. I'm just gonna wait till something new and worth while happens to write about.

When the new semester starts, so will counseling.

Okay,

I know this is all going to sound crazy but drunk me likes to talk myself. These we're things I said out loud to myself before I was going to go to bed:

Do you think you deserve it?

Yeah I mean sure. I'm just killing myself softly through this shit. I don't do drugs very often but when I do now I'm like fuck it who's gonna stop me hahahaha? 

Look, I know there is a big difference between sober me and drunk me...but drunk me always gets all my true feelings out. Honsetly that conversation with myself sounds way more dramatic than it actually is. I've just drank a handful times and do blow and just get upset with myself in the morning but no one really cares. I smoke cigarettes but not one cares. These are my self destructive materials rather than a razor. I don't like myself when I'm drunk. Like right now.

I just want some to help remind me again that I'm okay. That's all. I need help learning to love myself again. I know you're supposed to do that shit on your own but I can't anymore. I can't. I don't know. For fucks sake some one give me some kind of advice. Or a sign whatever. I hate being this alone.

Do me a favor,

Please, please, please, don't be afraid to talk to me. Ever. No matter how far apart we've drifted apart, or our history, or if we're in a relationship, just please believe that I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me. It's okay if we haven't talked in forever, if we haven't really had a real conversation in forever, it doesn't matter. If you need to talk, I will try my best to make it work. Chances are, I'd really like to talk to you too.


Just please, please, please, don't leave our conversation unfinished. It doesn't make me mad and you don't have to apologize for it, I just worry if you're alright. If you've found some one else to help you through whatever is upsetting you. Just let me know and I'll leave you be. Its totally okay. I won't be upset. Its not gonna offend me. I just wanna know if you're doing okay.

Loneliness hits everyone and it fucking sucks. So please, please, please, don't go through it alone. 

I know I rant about Kevin and Ricky and Joel on here a lot but the last two days with them have been incredibly fun. Obviously, I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I've been feeling extremely anti-social, tired, upset and just... bored. I've been sick of every one and didn't care to venture out of my home. It's comfortable like always and I risking going out of it meant risking putting up with people.


Kevin called me Sunday night during the Canuck hockey game. I looked at my phone as it rang and debated on answering for what felt like eternity. Fuck it, I thought and answered. He asked about what the score was and then informed that he'd be in town in about an hour and if I had any plans. I told him no and then he said he'd hit me up when he got back in to town and that he planned to hang with Ricky. 


I wait around by pacing around my kitchen, checking facebook, checking tumblr, checking twitter and just about anything else I could come up with to kill time. I think about how I ignored Ricky's call recently and was dreading that awkward moment where he would say something like, "Bro! I called and left you two voice mails where were you at?" I'd have to come up with some sort of "Oh I was doing music/tired/random family thing" that would sound like bullshit not matter how it came out.

Next thing I know I get call from Kevin that tells me to come to Ricky's and bring a little beer. I pack up and head out to meet to Kevin and head over to Rick's.

When we get there we are greeted by the always tall and goofy Rick with a smirk on his face saying, "Whats up bros?" in his neon colored tall tee wearing basketball shorts and sandals. We all kind of chuckle and do that awkward bro hand shake hug thing. 

The next 5 hours are followed by a few beers and constant laughter. Like they literally ALWAYS are. We give a each other shit, drink a little, chain smoke a little and laugh a lot. We flick each other shit, come up with some random show or movie we should film then giggle like middle school girls for hours.

Thats exactly how today was too. I hung out with them all day and all we did was laugh. We didn't even drink much and lately thats all I do to have fun. I think that says a lot about the kind of friendship I have with these kids. I mean I still and probably always will have that with them. As I drove home from Kevin's tonight I thought about how crazy it is that I still look up to them like older brothers. They know it and I know it. I mean I do every thing they think is cool. Yes, I think for myself but they still have that "older sibling affect" on me where if they do it then I have to. I know listen to NPR because of them. Last night Kevin and Ricky talked about these stories they herd on NPR and immediately in my head I'm like, shit I gotta listen to NPR. I turned it on while I was driving to school today. Its funny how they've managed to maintain that affect on me. They don't even meant to but I still look to them like that. I probably need it.

Anyways, it's nice that these two days were this good. I needed it. I'm sure the boost will last me a while. Plus Morrie comes home on the 10th and I couldn't be more excited for that. I'm going to make this good mood last.

There is a lot of loneliness. With that comes the sadness. Along with that comes the self reflection. Followed by that will come cigarettes and maybe a drink.

The night before Thanksgiving...I got rather intoxicated. While every one went to sleep I decided to blog. I blogged about Katie. How happy I thought I was then. Then I actually started crying. That is the second time in my life I was drunk and literally crying. I've been drunk and upset but don't normally get drunk and cry. I thought it was because of Katie that night. In the morning that wasn't why. When I started dating Katie I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew eventually we were going to become too different for it to work. I can't change her and I didn't want to.

I was crying because for the first time in my life I have no connections to anyone anymore. I'm alone. See normally, I'm used to being able to say everything to some one. To talk about my family to. To act like an idiot around. For some one reason its never really been my style to be like that with Josh or Neb. I mean we're so close you think we would. Sure I act all goofy like best friends do but theres somethings I just don't talk to them about. I don't really want to. Thats just how it is.

My mom kind of pointed out to me during this whole week that I don't like to leave home. She's right. I'm comfortable here. I do want to break out don't get me wrong. Its not like I plan on being stuck here my whole life. I just am not ready. Neb keeps pressuring me to move out with him and I don't know how to tell him I'm not ready. At the same time it might be less lonely.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for being home all the time. I'm home a lot. I don't have a job right now and I just go work out, go to school twice a week and come home. I seldom call Neb or Kyle. The only person I could have around is Josh. I don't know why but maybe its because we understand each other better than Neb and I do. I think I'm happy here most the time I do...I just don't really know where am at with my self lately.

At night time before I sleep I become my own therapist. I ask myself questions in my head, answer them and continue to search for understanding of my own mind. I think of childhood memories, past relationships, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've herd and come up with nothing. As far back as I can remember I've always been sad about something. Even when I was younger.

I remember on the Thursday night a couple weeks ago, when I got drunk and cried to my Mom, telling her I felt like something was wrong with me, she said, "Austin, you've always been my sensitive child. You always have." She's right, I always have.

I keep forgetting to mention that my mom knows and so does Molli. I told Molli on Saturday while we were on the phone but I couldn't really keep talking to her because I was interrupted by Josh and Junk. I'm also now unfortunately having a tough time shutting down my mind for the night. Too much going on.

Today wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst day either. All the shit has been randomly hitting me hard out of no where when I'm not really expecting it. I'm avoiding talking to my friends unless its Josh or Morrie. I don't go out until its the weekend. I just stick to this routine of school, working out then music. Which honestly, I do enjoy some what but I still feel bad. Junk called me 3 times right when I got home and I avoided him but then he came over anyway. I pretended I didn't know he called. He wanted to go get food and I turned him down because I mean for one I was too tired and I had just ate. He offered to buy me food but I told him no still and that he should come back over. He didn't. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't but I felt weird that he didn't call to at least give me some sort of reason why. I'm starting to wonder if my friends are noticing my habits of just sitting at home. I just feel like I have to put out this extra energy to hang out with them. Yet at the same time Junk hangs out with Tavia and Jordana and I don't really wanna hang out with them much. Neb goes to kick it with Kevin and Cam and they just get high. Its like I've gone full circle since I last left to Vegas. I feel like I'm stuck in this fuckin loop now. All this shit is so familiar.

I'm ready to tell my mom I want to go see some one. I'm just insanely freaked out on how all this shit works. I don't even know how you find one of these people and let alone I mean some one that I like. I wanted to ask Josh about his but he told me he's going back and I don't even want to tell him why I want to go in the first place. I'm just overwhelmed. A lot. I'm overwhelmed. Its getting really hard to not act like theres something up. I've been good at hiding it for a long time but its starting to not work anymore so I have no fucking clue whats gonna happen. I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Sometimes... I get drunk and do the drugs...that sound fun but I end up every time disappointed that I did them.

"It takes the same amount of time that you loved some one to get over them." Josh told me that once. I'm still weary about whether I believe that or not but its starting to make sense. It's been close to year since Katie and I cut it off, and by that I mean basically since I moved away to Vegas. Ironically, I am back again in Portland this time without her. Oddly enough its actually coming close to year that I've been without some significant in my life. By that I mean of course some I'd like date. Vegas had nothing for and since I've been back Portland hasn't had anything for me as well. Thus far. I love it here so I plan to stay. For now. I mean I'm relatively indecisive and inconsistent so who knows where I'll end up.

This time alone has left me with A LOT - I mean that - a lot of time for me to battle my own demons. If you know me, the idea that I actually have "demons" to battle with sounds dramatic. Then again whats been going on my head lately literally not one person knows about. Not Molli, not Katie and not Josh. These "demons" snuck up on me one day when I was driving to class. I was sitting in the car listening to slow music (which always puts me in a reflective mood to begin with) and I was trying to figure out where my self hatred comes from. Fuck even that sounds dramatic. I don't hate my entire self I just have the tendency from time to time where I think I'm shit and I deserve pain and suffering. I was trying to figure out where this came from. I drew a conclusion to where this all started from and realized its something that I have tucked away for almost my whole life. No one knows about it except myself. I keep acting as my own therapist and re-diagnosing myself and telling myself that it's not a big deal and that its fine. I keep making connections to how I am now and everything I've done and it keeps going back to that.

I'm not sure the purpose of the post is rather than I just wanted to write it. Its almost 3 and I'm a little drunk.

Molli I don't know if you still read this but I hope you're doing well.

Drunk, angry, upset, frustrated, lonely - those are my thoughts most of the time.

My sister got in another fight with Devin. I'm not surprised they fought the whole time I lived in Vegas. She called the house phone at 1 this morning. I answered and talked to her for a bit. Devin apparently broke up with her and Paige got mad because he wasn't listening to her and she punched and broke his window. They were both drunk. I know Paige can be impulsive and upset at times...but I really don't like Devin. I know he means well but them two together really makes me not like him. They don't work well. They just fight each other. And I love my sister and want whats best for her so I just really wish she wouldn't date him in anymore because they always get upset and fight. Its not a healthy relationship. And I hate watching her with him. I really do. She says she loves him...and I mean what can I say? I still just strongly feel that no matter how much you love some one your fights won't end up this bad. With violence and throwing belongings in the street. I mean that didn't happen tonight but it has happened before. None of it is healthy. I swear. Shes gonna call me tomorrow. I'll talk to her then I suppose.

I read pretty much my whole blog and have realized I am apparently the most inconsistent person ever. I don't even know how to explain like my feelings go every where all of the time. Is that normal? I know I'm always questioning if I'm sane or not but I mean as I was re-reading some of what I wrote my feelings change so much about the same topic. And I constantly have my hopes up for things and it goes well for a while then I figure out I don't actually like it. Which leads me to wondering what I do even like. I loved Oregon. Then hated Oregon. I loved Vegas. Then hated Vegas. Now I'm back in Oregon and love it. At some point am I gonna hate Oregon? I feel like I probably have problems making decisions. Not probably, more like clearly I have problems making decisions. I apparently have a hard time tapping in to what I'm okay with and what I'm not. How do you figure yourself out? Maybe its not through some one else. I know I'm still just as lonely here right now as I was in Vegas. And that I clearly left Vegas not because I wanted to go there for my benefit but because I felt like I needed to leave people here. Katie, Josh and Neb.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't. I'm trying to think it through but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to even be thinking through. Or what answer I'm looking for. I'm constantly contradicting myself. How long have I been doing that? I feel like I've been doing that for a while.

Also after re-reading I realized I am a selfish person. I mean not terribly and I don't know how much I am now but at least I was before I left Vegas. I'm still trying to even figure out how much I've changed since then. Or if it even matters.

I miss Katie. Thats that. Thats all. Whatever I do. Being back home has made me miss her. Whatever. Fuck it its on the table. Out in the open. Nothings gonna happen with her and I - I know that. I just wanted to say it.

I feel like I need a fucking therapist or something fuck. Or this is just completely normal for 19 year old boy who just moved back home after 6 months of drinking. I don't even know why I'm saying 6 months I still drink a lot. I mean definitely not as much there but I still drink.

I'm normal right? Like this all normal right?

I'm fucking frustrated. I don't even know if thats half of it. I get an email from the advisor for PCC today about the music program I'm trying to take it and just says this:
"Hi, Austin: We have reached the end of our advising schedule. Most of our classes are full. Students who want to start the program generally see me in the spring for advising. In many cases, they need to take intro classes that we offer over the summer term. We start classes in three weeks, but most of our students have laid the groundwork and done their advising and scheduling much earlier. There may be some room in some of our course, but most of the core classes have filled."

I'm tired of being so fucking indecisive all the time. Its really delaying out my life. For some reason I moved to Vegas and then moved back because I couldn't make up mind. Now that I'm here again I have to start all over again with getting my name out its starting to get frustrating. Right when I was ready to go to fucking school and actually start doing something I run into this shit. Great. It might take another fucking year for me to go to school. Fucking really? I need to take those intro classes I know I do I don't wanna fuck up because I didn't take them. Tt just fucking sucks they aren't available all the time. I can't sit around like this for another year and feel like I'm doing shit. I'm just constantly stuck right where I started. I need to move forward and I am really trying I am. I just don't know why I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what to do I'm doing everything I fucking can I'm going god damn insane.

fuck

Things with Hayleigh went to a screeching halt a while back. Basically as soon as my mom told me that she didn't like her. I didn't either. I really didn't when I thought about it. I don't know what it was about her I did like really. She was new. That was exciting for a while. Then she turned all negative. She had nothing good to say about anything. And I know she is in a bit of a rough patch with her life - I understand that I do but she didn't have anything good to say about any one. Or anything. She's never trying to help herself either. She won't quit smoking weed because she's stressed about her job yet so I said why wouldn't you quit smoking to find a new better one and she just went with, "There's no way." I mean this girl I some times felt like wouldn't even listen to me talk. Shit was always about her. Anyways, I don't wanna keep dwelling on whatever her and were and her shit because I'm passed all that and don't want to deal with her again so whatever.

I'm staying in Portland. I applied to PCC for their music program. So I will be living at home for a while and just going to school. The whole time I've been home my mom was constantly asking me when I wanted to go back to Vegas and I would just kind blow off the question and say soon, soon, except I didn't really mean it. I didn't wanna go back. I didn't really like Vegas. I'm not sure why I moved there. I mean I'm sure if I read back in my blog I can tell you exactly why. Vegas was basically the whole entire reason I started this damn thing. I can't help but feel kind of bad that I'm not returning. A lot of people liked me down there and I feel like leaving will let them down. I know its stupid to feel that way but thats just how I think. I'm working on making decisions based on my own behalf rather other's. Which will be yet another first for me. Also this decision to go to PCC was a first for me considering I've been blowing off an decision making over the past year. But hey I consider myself a work in progress and am taking it all one step at a time as slow as possible but at least I'm starting to be stepping forward with my life.

I do like being home. I'm more focused on music here. Which is good. I have my own little studio (which is actually one of my old rooms at the end of the house) which is awesome because I can be as loud as I want. So hopefully a lot productivity will take place here as well.

I saw Katie for the first time about ago. We got coffee and it was pretty nice. Got caught up and talked about old times and what not. We admitted that we missed hanging out with each other because we both used to just sit and talk about how we didn't wanna deal with any one because they were annoying. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

After coffee she came over to my house to hang out. Asked me what I was gonna do with Vegas and what not. I ended up explaining to her about how I didn't know (surprise) and how I wasn't exactly happy there. I bitched about the rave scene there and what not. She ended up sitting me down listening to me talk about it and wrote down everything I said and made this like T Chart thing about the pros and cons of Vegas and Portland and it actually helped me reach my decision. Because I had literally avoided all thinking about all of that kind of shit. So it was nice...and typical Katie to do that kind of thing.


Its gonna be interesting being back here again. So here it goes.

So, a couple days ago my parents purchased me Logic Pro. This is the $500 dollar software that they spent on me to produce music with. Its an incredibly supportive and I appreciate so much but now I'm scared. Now I have to make this work. With Josh and Neb telling me all the time that I need lock myself away and start writing writing writing, I feel like all this pressure pressure pressure is starting to fucking build up and its freaking me out. I need to be great. I need to produce good music. I don't want to let these people down. I'm freaked out that maybe I won't be good enough. I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure I do it I'm just scared now I don't know. I need to get this shit out of my head because once I start thinking I'm not good enough I don't want it to seep into my subconscious and me not knowingly give up on myself or some shit like that. I don't know if that is even possible it just have that idea in my head. I wanna be great. I will be great. I can be great. I am gonna produce awesome music and travel the world spin parties and no one will be let down.