I need to find some one to talk to. I'm losing it. I hate being this lonely. I'm going crazy in my own head. I hate all the girls I've met here. They're not real. They don't really wanna hear about what you have to say. They don't care. I'm losing it.

I don't want either my best friends to move down here. Neb texted me last night about how him and Josh talked about moving down here. Then I woke up to a text from Neb this saying that he's seriously considering it. When I first got the text about him and Josh I kinda blew it laughed at it and said "yeah right". But then when I woke up to the text from Neb I didn't even know what to think. I still don't want them here. I got so tired of them both before I left. Sure I miss them but I more miss who they were. Not the two best friends they were when I left. Those weren't the ones I was friends with. I find it strange that even miss me. I knew they would but I mean I wasn't doing the shit they were doing with them. I wasn't doing all the drugs. Sitting at Jared's every day getting high, finding new things to snort, pain killers to take and planning on other shit. Yeah I went over there to chain smoke and drink for good conversation. I'm guilty. Sometimes it was fun. But then it just got out of hand.

In only honesty I doubt Neb will even come here. Although when he was texting me he kept bringing up that he had NO reason to be in Eugene. He says he doesn't want to go OSU or UO. Which I guess is reason for him to leave. I do think I could see Neb making a change in himself. Thats the only way I'd want him to move here. If he stopped all the fucking drugs. I encouraged him to look in to UNLV. Who knows.

I get this text from Molli on Saturday. It reads, "Josh just called me and asked if I knew where to get yak."

I stare at my phone screen. My stomach drops a little. Whats funny is I'm not surprised he's looking for it again. I'm disappointed and sad and mad but I can't let it get to me because this partly why I left Oregon. I don't know if he's on it again but it sure sounds like it. I talk to Josh on the phone about every day and he always makes himself sound like he's way better than he actually is. But thats Josh. If he's not lying to you he's leaving something out. I hope he figures it out one day. Ever since I left Oregon I've had this thought in my head that one day I'm gonna get a call from some one telling me one of my friends died. Its stupid but I don't know I can just see it actually happening. I saw a recent picture of Bradford today on facebook. He looks like shit. He looks so fucking skinny like he's not eating at all. I'm sure he's doing it too now. And probably Cam. It makes me sad seeing and hearing about all this. These are the kids I grew up and their slowly self destructing themselves.

I've been in bad moods a lot lately. I'm not sure if its because in these past 3 days alone I've been running off 12 hours of sleep or if its because I eat one meal a day or if its because I hate two my roommates because they're dirty and annoying or if its becayse I read what Molli wrote about me.

I feel like normally I would of texted her explaining what had been going on while she was texting me which is why my texts were brief but I didn't.(By the way I really do appreciate you texting me about Jacob talking about my DJing. I love the support. I haven't turned into that big of an asshole yet.) I just read it. Then re-reading it. Then staring into my screen. Yeah I know I drink fairly frequently know but I mean thats all people do hear. I'm still DJing, still writing music - I'm not losing sight on that. Maybe I've changed. Maybe for the worse maybe for the better. I'm not really sure who I am anymore I guess. I mean I know what I want but thats not really the kind of person I am. Or is it? I'm just lonely and pissed off. I'm not pissed at Molli. I'm pissed because she's made a good point. I'm changing and I don't know what I'm changing in to. I'm normally happy all the time here but lately I've just hated every one and every thing. I don't show it but I just fucking. I don't know. I'm anxious all the time.

Katie and I got coffee on Friday morning before she left Vegas. It was surprisingly not awkward. We caught up with each others lives, texted all day the next day and haven't talked since. I don't even care. I think it means I'm over it. Which I guess is nice.

The girl I love has to love the music. Not the drugs. She's gonna have to listen to me ramble about all the new tracks I love and how all of them have the sickest drops. She's gonna have to be able to lay in my bed with me for hours and listen to every DJ set.

She's gonna do it because she loves me.

She's gonna do it because she's in love with the music.

This what I don't understand about Jon: he constantly complains about not having a girlfriend but is always juggling a bunch. He comes almost home every day with some girl he "fell in love with" and then goes on about which girl he should go for. Every time he talks about this shit I straight up call him out. I'll be like Jon, " I get why you think its hard to pick one. Really I do. All you do is find excuses of why you shouldn't date. Theres always gonna be reasons why you shouldn't date some one. But you do it anyway. Stop fucking around with 30 girls and just pick the one that legitimately makes you not just smile but brings you real happiness. Stop being so afraid of commitment and do it. You're not gonna regret it. And honestly, stop fucking searching for some one. Some one will find you."

He'll shrug it off.

Make an excuse.

I'll say, "okay".

We talk about something else.

Carter has been in town for the past 2 days. Its strange how well we've been getting along. We used to fight about everything all the time. Maybe he and I have both grown up to tolerate each other. I noticed how much trust he puts into me. How much he really looks up to me. Its crazy. I don't wanna let him down at any moment. Or put him in any kind of harms way. When we were drinking last night I kept on asking him how he was to make sure he didn't get sick or something. He didn't really drink all that much but I could tell he was tipsy. He's a hilarious drunk person however. Normally he's a sarcastic asshole. But when he drinks he becomes this big fucking teddy bear that can't say whats up to you with putting his hand on your shoulder. Alcohol always brings out the real deep emotions in people I swear. Which is good and bad I guess. Its just nice to have this new relationship with my brother. He really is a funny ass kid. Like its ridiculous. We've never bonded before and I hope I can get to him better like I should have been doing the whole time he was brother. I'm not gonna fuck that up again.

I miss having some one to talk to. Some one to lay with. Some one thats gonna play with my hair. Some one that'll sleep next to me. Some one that will let take them out on dates. Some one that will watch weird indie movies with me. Some one that loves music like me. Some one who will laugh with me. Some one who you look at me and tell me that what I just said was retarded. Some one who will call me out. Some one who makes me wanna be better. Some one who will let me stare into their eyes. Some one that will let me see them without make up. Some one who will want me to kick it with them an their friends. Some one who will want to wrestle me. Some one to hold hands with. Some one to kiss.

I can't wait to have that again.

Katie texts me today. She informs me she's coming to Vegas next Thursday and Friday. My stomach turns. We haven't talked for over a month. We probably won't again till she's here. I tell her we should get coffee or lunch. She likes that. Nothing freaks me out more than this idea. For one I'm not over it. Second I'm trying to figure how much I've really changed. The main difference I really notice is that I'm drunk more. Always at partying. But thats college right? How pathetic is it that I've gotten so used to going to bed drunk that I never sleep well when I fall asleep sober. Yeah its sad or whatever but I mean I am having fun. Thats something I plan on leaving out whenever we do end up meeting up. I don't even know its gonna go. I mean is it gonna help me get over it. I just feel like...nothing really closed with the way I left. I mean I just moved. That was all. We knew it was gonna be over but I don't know. I mean I think I've been dealing with it. How the fuck do you even deal with it? Is it time? Is time really gonna make it fade? Who knows. Hopefully it does.

I'm pretty ready to meet some one new either way. I keep searching which is way I'm failing. I always tell people to let them come to you. Hypocrites give the best advice anyway.

I do miss you. I'm not sure why I can't text you or call you when I'm sober. I'm sorry for that. Lately I've been lonely here. When I'm sober I'm too foolish to admit it. Those few days I called you a lot, I waited till every one went to bed. Then I'd go outside for a cigarette and dial your number. I remember how you used to always be there for me all the time. I guess maybe I forgot to let that part go which is why I've been calling you.

Oh the irony. See I used to preach about how I never wanted a college lifestyle. I swore against going to a real college, joining a frat and being apart of all the partying. Deep down I could easily imagine myself doing that. I could see it. I've always seen myself having a college experience and I've also seen myself not having it. However since I've moved here all my new friends are living the college experience and they're all having a good time. They love it. I think I want it too. Since I've moved here all my friends have been in Lambda Chi. My bestfriend here Jon is and he's introduced me to a lot of great people. And all of these great people have actually tried to help with my DJing. They tell me to join their frat not because they need people to rush or something but because they like me as a person. They even said if I didn't they'd still treat me like I was in it. They do now. Honestly I'm planning on going to UNLV and rushing them. They mean a lot to me. If like I'd be foolish if a passed up such a positive thing like that. Because honestly heres how I see it:

I pass up UNLV. I got IADT pay 80,000 and probably get some good connections and learn a bunch more about music technology and writing than UNLV will teach me. The cons are, I'm gonna be paying off 80,000 for fucking ever. Also its like a private school basically and the social circle there is tiny. TINY. I'm a very social person I can't handle that shit. So instead I choose UNLV. By the time I start college I will have residency here in Las Vegas. Basically school will be fucking cheap. My friends get money back each year to go here. Its an awesome social circle and you meet A LOT of people which is very very very good for networking. You never know who you're gonna meet. However their music technology program is only a minor and not as good as IADT's music production program. I'd also have to find a major and who the fuck knows what thats gonna be. This also means I have to do real school work. And I hate school. So fucking hell thats gonna suck. Most importantly I DO NOT WANT UNLV TO RUIN MY DREAM. I'm scared shitless to go. I came here to DJ. To focus on music. And by choosing UNLV school and frat life and work and DJing is going to incredibly hard to focus on. I don't want to get sucked into it and find myself graduating working a shit job telling people how I used to be a DJ. FUCK THAT. I can't let that happen. It still scares me though. I cant help that.

I know it sounds like I clearly have my mind made up but believe me it changes every second of every day. Typical of me I know but I'm actually gonna have to nut the fuck up at some point and make a decision. I just don't want it to ruin me.

Now that I have a job times gonna fly. Which I am not looking forward to. Its already been almost 3 months since I left and I don't even understand it. I know that March is going to turn to July very quickly and I'm really not looking forward to it. I love where I live. I'm gonna miss being around Jon, Chaz and Erika. I don't even like thinking about it. Then the days are gonna blur together even more than they already have. I don't really wanna move all the way out to Henderson because I'm gonna be so far from the people I met. I mean I won't be that far but I'm not gonna live here. I wanna be around all the people I am now so when the move happens I will communicate with them better than I do with people from home. It makes me wanna go to UNLV and join Lambda. Joining a frat is something I never thought of doing until I met join and all his friends in the frat who are now all my friends. I love them. They're all the kids who never thought of joining one and then created one. They're the most legitimate people I've met in my life. They're all so friendly and welcoming its ridiculous. Since day one those kids have treated me like I was one of them. They always ask me if I'm planning on rushing and I hate saying I probably won't. Although UNLV has a similar program like the one at IADT. And its cheaper. I'd just need to find a different major. This a whole other topic that I don't really feel like going into right now though. I just know over the next few months I'm going to value all this time here. And the people here. I plan on meeting and making more friends.

It has recently occurred to me how much my brother and I's relationship has been changing. Carter and I used to never get a long. Ever. I mean it had gotten better before I moved out but I mean we fought a lot. He always would annoy me. The only reason he annoyed me was because I would basically parent him all the time. I had to. He was my little brother and if I thought he was doing something wrong I'd fucking tell him to stop. I'd always tell him when he was being a little fuckhead and would call him out on every thing. And I always knew he looked up to me but I always kinda shunned him. He always wanted to impress me and I was basically a dick. I mean it was like never ending. Always wanting to show me shit and I just for some reason wouldn't care. Maybe it was just a little brother thing I don't really know.

Carter is coming to visit on the 19th. I'm actually really looking forward to this visit and I know he is a lot too. My mom sent me a text telling me Carter made the JV baseball team so naturally I decided to text him and congratulate him. We texted a little and I asked him how school was and he responded, "The gayest thing ever," (Typical Carter comment) " I would rather walk to Vegas and see my siblings then go for another couple weeks at school." I never really realized how much he loved to be around my sister and I. Apparently I just chose to ignore it for a long time. I think the fact that I moved away and the fact that he is also growing up has started to change our relationship. We're getting along for once. My mom also informed me that she smoked a black and mild with him and he seems a bit curious about drinking so when comes to town Paige and I are gonna take care of that. Safely of course. I really am looking forward to kicking it with him while he's here. Actually sitting down with him talking and really getting to know him. I regret to say it but out of all 18 years I lived in the same house with him, I never did. Nor did I make an effort to. Thats all going to change.