"You know your Mom misses you like crazy. Shes like depressed or something. She said 'I just want my babies to come back home.' I thought she was gonna cry when saw me and Junk."

"Yeah man I know. She texts me and calls me a lot. I mean dude she misses every body being around all the time you know? That house has to be so quiet all the time now. Like I know Carter is there but I mean I don't know how it is there any more."

This was part of the conversation Josh and I had the other night when I called him. In all honesty I feel bad for my Mom. Her and I got a long so well. Always on the same level and always laughing about everything. Talking about music all the time. She gives me all the support in the world for what I'm doing. She always loved my passion for music. She used to tell me that she missed hearing me play the drums. Now she misses the house shaking from my DJing all the time. I mean the house truly has to be quieter now. I used to hang around and drink beers with her and my Dad and the Marshalls. All the time. When I didn't wanna do a bunch of fucking drugs with my friends after I worked on the weekends; I knew that would be going on at my house and I loved it. She misses smoking black and milds with me out on the back porch so we could talk. She misses all my friends stopping by the house causing a bunch of commotion. She misses cooking for every one. Watching Blazer games with Junk and I. She misses it a lot right now. I just hope its not hurting her. I was glad Junk and Josh stopped through the other night to visit her and watch the game with her. I mean my Mom doesn't wanna grow up. She's a lot like me in that way. She's always welcomed young people into our home and into our lives. All to be apart of our family in a way. Our family isn't just the Kane children its all our friends. Every one that has ever stopped through to eat dinner, to socialize, to drink with us. Its the one household you can instantly walk into and be yourself. NO one judges you there. Its safe. And its amazing.

My Mom has always lived by this one motto: "There are no ordinary moments." When you're with our family there couldn't be anything closer to the truth. From our "Sunday Night Spaz Outs" to playing Kings Cup and Dan not catching on to why every one is saying "Its Austin's birthday at twelve o'clock". When you're at the Kane house you're guaranteed to laugh. You're guaranteed to be treated like family.

I can't sleep again. And when I do I wake up. I can't seem to get my mind to stop running. Even if after I write the same things just constantly go around and around and around while toss and turn. When I do fall asleep I wake up at random times then lay there for a while thinking "why the fuck can't I go back to sleep?" I remember for a while back in Wilsonville most days all I looked forward too was going to bed.

Maybe I need to start drinking tea again before I go to sleep. Something to relax my body and mind. I've never really understood why thats been such a problem with me. I don't remember when it started or even how it did.

And I started smoking again. Fuckin I don't even know why.

Its weird, but I think my constant writing has kept me sane. See as you probably know my mind is never on a stand still. I can't stop thinking and feel like I have to be talking to some one all the time. Honestly I don't want it to be that way anymore. I don't wanna feel like I have to be texting some one every day of my life just to keep myself sane. So I think writing helps. Yeah its a lot nice when I have some one to actually tell my crazy thoughts to but thats just made me so dependable on people. I'm not independent. For fucks sake I never have been. Since I've moved out to Vegas its been lonely. I think I need it though. Even though it drives me nuts some times but I mean thats pretty much where this shit comes in. Here I can try organize my scrambled brain into thoughts for the two people that actually read it. Which is nice. Its knowing that some one understand how I think. You two probably get it better than I do.

Its funny because its only until these late nights when I'm in my bed, on my computer, I feel the need to just release it. I've always said whenever something is on my mind I just have to let it out. I'm not even sure why I'm still writing I just feel like I'm repeating myself. And I feel like I'm actually talking to some one. I'm sure my mind will ease eventually.

Today I had coffee with a very nice girl. Her name is Chanda. We sat in Starbucks and talked for 4 hours. 4 fucking hours. Thats a long time for coffee. We are very very similar people. I like it. The part that pissed me off the most was after we left the first thing I did was compare her to Katie. That fucking freaked me out. I have no idea why I did that. I couldn't help it. I hate that I did it. It's probably natural...but I'm not trying to figure out what it means. I kept thinking that no matter who I date its not gonna be like Katie and I's relationship. Which is a good thing. Nothing will. Katie and I had a good thing but it could of been better. Maybe this one will be. I don't care if Chanda isn't like Katie. I hope she isn't. I don't want her to be. I think I need something new and different. I guess I wasn't as over it as I thought it was. Fucking ay thats shitty.

Katie texted me to tell me she broke up with her boyfriend the other day. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe I'm not either. I know I'm jumping the gun a bit with Chanda like thinking I could have one with her but I am. I think I just need to take it slow. I really like Chanda. I want to get her know her more.

I guess we'll see what happens.

She says, "I'm sorry for being a bitch the other night. I was upset about Molli and over reacted. I don't wanna be on bad terms with you and I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was dating someone. I knew it was soon and I didn't wanna rub it in. I didn't think it was really going to bother you because you have just been in your own little world and seemed to just be on with your life. Which is good and I'm happy for you, but I kinda pushed you out of my head too. I went through a lot in first few weeks back to school and you weren't there for me. But it wasn't your job to be, and I think I was bitter that I needed you and couldn't give me what I needed. And this other guy was, and thats why we started dating so quick. And I'm not saying that to be bitchy, just trying to explain to you what was going on. But you'll always have a special place in my life and I do miss you. I always wish you the best. I'm sorry if I didn't show that."

I stare at my phone. I go back and re-read everything again. I say, "Wow. Thank you for all that. I know I kinda disappeared from you too like believe me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when all that shit went down like I said I would. I've been in my own world trying to move on but trust me its not as easy as I'm making it look. I don't have anyone here to really talk to. Which its probably best to be alone for a while. I probably need it."

I breathe.

My phone vibrates and it reads: " Well you're welcome. But yeah it might be good for you to be alone for a while, but alone as in single not alone as in no one to talk to. And only cuz you're so afraid of being alone. But your head thinks too fast for you to not have an outlet. So I'm still here if you to vent or bitch or just talk about nothing. I miss talking to you just cuz I'm with someone doesn't change that."

I read this over carefully a couple of times and think to myself how her being with someone does change everything. I can't talk to her anymore. Especially if I wanna get over it. We can't talk. About fucking anything let alone my problems.

I start to write back, " I appreciate it, Yeah I miss talking to you too but I just don't know if I should still be coming to you about that kind of thing. For one you're dating someone but if I really wanna get over it I don't know if should anymore."

Me saying I don't know basically means no. I just don't wanna say it. Thats what my I don't knows always tend to mean.

She says " I mean I hate to admit it but I think you're right. I just know we care about each other so its hard accepting that we can't always be each others support team."

I was kinda shocked she said that to be honest. I didn't expect her to agree.

" I know. I care about you a lot" I start, "but we can't do that anymore. Sure a friendly text every once in a while but yeah. The support team isn't gonna happen."

"I know, I agree." She replies.

I realize that this is it. This moment right here is the end of Katie and I's relationship forever. Every thing about it. We aren't gonna talk. Its done. I don't know what to say and the best I come up with is, "Alright. Well thanks for the text."

She says, "You're welcome. Good luck with everything Austin."

"Thanks Katie. You too."

And then thats it. Every thing is done and over. I feel weird. Its a mixture of being sad and growing up. I spent a significant amount of time with her and now we're done communicating. I'd say its probably not forever but I mean come on. I'm not gonna fucking text her. She won't text me. Its done. But I feel like I've grown up and learned a lot from everything. The only way I feel like I can look at it is that I've just ended I chapter in my life. Who knows whats gonna happen next.

I get the first text from you in about a month and it reads "I see you added Molli again. Glad things could rekindle :)"

"Yeah. It took you 3 weeks to find some one else," I say back.

"I'm surprised you saw that."

"Yeah. I saw it. I texted you as soon as I did to see if you'd say anything. You didn't. Why?"

"I didn't wanna rub it in," you reply.

"Is he nice?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I hope he makes you happy."

"Oh. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

In all honesty I had been waiting for you notice that I added Molli on facebook. Because I knew for it'd be a big fucking deal to you. And heres thing, I'm over all this shit. Really. Truely. I am. I fucked up. I've admitted it a thousand times. I've hated myself for it. You ironically told before I left to get over it and let myself be happy again and stop thinking I'm asshole. Yet after we talked to today it set me back. I don't like it that now I feel like we hate each other. Like what the fuck that was never supposed to happen. We left on good terms. Now it turned to shit. But whatever. Fuck it. If thats how its gonna fucking be then fine. It'll fucking stay that way. So enjoy you're new fucking boyfriend. I hope he's a real winner. He's probably some christian prick. Hope he makes you think of me. Just please if you're gonna hate me fucking hate me already. I deserve it. Fuck.

This is not how we talk to each other it never was its not supposed to be like that. We said we'd be friends. But that shit really never works in the end.

http://www.dubspot.com/

what the fuck. So. Fucking Brandon (from Spun Academy) posted a little blog thing on facebook writing about how he was the first to the whole DJ school thing and music school bull shit thing. but what the fuck.this school in new york is EXACTLY what i was fucking looking for. and its look 100 times more legit. not constant moving locations. a fucking whip it addicted instructor. they have like fucking 10 instructors. Who are all legit. Brandon maybe was legit. But that mother fucker is a fucking con artist. Now im tying to figure out it if being in Vegas was a good choice or not. ajfnasfnmsaf Fucking ay im tripping the fuck out. Should I be in new york? is that place gonna help me the most?

however.

I am getting started here. I have my first gig march 9th and its looking like they'll be more after.

BUT

that school is the school I've been looking for.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be here.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be there.

I need to relax.

Random thoughts from my head currently.

1. The inside of my brain feels like its constantly, constantly moving around in a circle, thinking, processing, debating, contemplating, talking, shouting, whispering, telling me the right thing the do, telling me the wrong thing to do, is on speed, wishing, ticking, doubting, believing, accepting, knows the truth, lying and nothing.

2. People over analyze poems too much. No poem has a real meaning. Poems mean different things to different people. That being said I wish I could still do creative writings like I used to.

3. Jon is the only good friend I have here so far. I don't want him to transfer to the coastguard after summer and go to San Diego State.

4. IADT may not be the school I wanna go to. I don't know if I'll be happy there. Its expensive. That stresses me the fuck out. Something about it gives me a weird vibe. UNLV has Music Technology and its easier to make friends there.

5. I want to inspire people some day.

6. I interview myself in my head constantly.

7. I hate silence.

8. Fuck you.

9. Why do I believe every one all the time?

10. I think I'm crazy.

11. I hate school. Really I don't think its for me.

12. I refuse to grow up.

13. I hate people.

14. I love people.

I wanna tell all these things to some one.

I've discovered somethings I actually miss about home:

1. My loud ass speakers and sub to mix with.

2. My desktop computer to producer on (its just soooo much fucking easier than a laptop).

3. My piano.

I've been listening to a lot of classical piano and movie score music lately so thats making me miss my piano real bad. Its been my new obsession. Whenever I listen to it I swear to god it changes my whole though process. It puts me in such a different place I can't even describe. I start seeing the music. I imagine scenes in my head where the music might be taking place. Its a whole new way to imagine things.

I love music

A strange thought dawned on me tonight. I was watching The Town and at the end of the movie Ben Affleck says something about he's leaving Charleston for the first time. It got me thinking about moving and what its like to be new in town. For some reason I got this idea in my head that I've always been the new kid. I still remember how badly the move from Washington tore me apart. That sounds dramatic but I was young and I didn't wanna go. I didn't understand why I had to leave my friends. I remember trying to make new friends. Trying to figure out who I actually wanted to be friends with and who was some one I just wanted hang out with because I was lonely.

The last couple of years in Oregon felt like home to me. Finally. I no longer had to listen to people talk about things in Oregon that I knew nothing about. I didn't have to keep telling stories about "my old friends in Washington". I mean I don't want to forget but it was nice to actually feel connected to my surroundings for once. I had missed that. Its funny how we tend to crave a sense of belonging.

Now I'm in Vegas. I have a new set of "old friends in Oregon." It caught me off guard because I said that a lot tonight. I talked about Josh, Neb and Meesh and all the dumb shit we did. How we always had so much fun together. I then realized I'm not going back there. I'm not. I don't plan on it. Theres nothing there for me anymore. I mean besides my family. Sure I have friends there.... but I left at a really weird time in their lives. I guess my life wasn't all that normal either. I mean fuck I was miserable there. The drugs, the girl problems and the stupid jobs. I'm sure I make it sound a bit dramatic but I felt like I was caught in this fucking shit storm. Apparently I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I am trying to let go though, really I am.

I am the new kid once again. I listen to new faces laugh and reflect on childhood memories. I smile and tell them how funny that must have been. And I patiently await, to feel at home.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Buckle. I'm pretty excited! I hope I get the job. If I do I'm gonna take some acting classes. Yes. Acting classes. Its kind of something I've always wanted to do. I think I could be good at too. And since I moved out here, why the fuck not just go for it. I have nothing to lose. I found website that shows you parts that you can apply for. So like....why not try it. I feel ambitious. So fuck it. I'm gonna do what I want.

I can't wait for my moment. Its gonna come and I know it. I can feel it. If I keep doing what I'm doing and work hard. Its bound to happen. I've been following my heart my whole life. I've been doing what I love and nothing else. I don't have one of those stories where every one around me doubts me. Tells me to think logically. Instead its filled with people supporting me. How many stories have you herd of that have that? Every one that I've shared my passion with has believed in me since day one. They know I can do it. Most importantly I know I can too. I will. I don't think anyone feels music like I do. I understands why I love it like I do. So I'm gonna show them. I'll show them how beautiful it all really is. It hits me harder than anything else ever could. I'm gonna be one top of the world one day. I'm gonna look back, smile and thank every one for believing in me. I can't wait for that moment.