Jon asks why I don't have sex with girls all the time. I stop to think about it and all I can come up with is, "I don't know. I just want it to be personal I think. I don't want to just fuck some one to fuck some one. Like I get how that can be okay from time to time but that just isn't how I am."
He nods and says something like, "Yeah, but its so nice. Sex isn't personal for me. Its been mankind's primal instinct to have sex. Our society now is what made love relative to sex."
"Yeah I get that but I don't know, I just don't want to have sex with drunk girls all the time. I don't want that to be like the only time I have sex you know?"
"You don't have to be drunk to just have sex with girls. I do it sober too," he says.
I pause to think then say, "I get that... I'm just not attracted to that kind of a girl. If girl wants to fuck me the first time she meets me sober, then I don't want to fuck her."
He asks, "Are you afraid or something?"
"No I'm not afraid," I say, "I just... I don't know. My sexual experiences haven't been like yours. I was an asshole to girls. The only two times I actually had sex was when I was drunk. Both girls already had liked me and the next day they both wanted to hang out and get to know me. Like, they actually liked me. It wasn't just some drunk fuck. Alcohol was the reason it happened. So I just blew them off. Then the fucking third time it almost happened was with my ex. She still had feelings for me and right when it was about to happen I got up and told her I couldn't do that to her. She cried and I left her there. I walked out."
"Well, what if it was mutual between the two of you? Would you?"
"No. I don't want that kind of girl," I reply.
"I think I just do it because I hate being alone," he starts, "like I hate it if there isn't a girl laying next to me."
"Don't you want that girl to be the same girl?"
This throws him off a little. He stops and thinks for a moment then says, " Yeah it could be but I don't know."
I ask, "How many girls are you even up to now?"
"I'm really not sure anymore actually," he says with a shameful laugh.
"And that doesn't bother you?"
"Not really."
"I mean, I guess theres nothing wrong with casual sex but I'm just not that person thats gonna have it with multiple people. I don't think I am afraid to have it... I just wanna have it with the same person. Some one I do care about. I don't want meaningless sex. I don't know," I say.
"Dude girls here like the kind of girls that just wanna fuck. They don't typically like 'nice guys' like that. They like guys that are kind of dicks to them," he replies.
"Well I'm sure its gonna be hard for me to find a girl that isn't like that," I start, " I mean I know my current social network is a bunch of college kids who are just down to party. I know I'm kind of looking for a girl thats opposite of that. Maybe I won't find her in our current social circle. I'm just not gonna look then. I'll let her just come to me."
Ironically, today was the first day I felt lonely in a long time.
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