For the first time in my life I'm not talking to some one. And I mean talking to some one constantly. No texting all day, no phone calls and no facebook messages. As far back as I can remember I've always had some one to talk to. All of them were love interests. I don't know if its a bad thing but I've grown to realize how much I love talking to people. I miss having some one to do that with. Some one I can just randomly say shit to. I love having random conversation. If something pops into my head I love to be able to just turn and say it to some one. I could talk for days. I have some many things I want to say. So many things I want to tell some one that it overwhelms my brain to the point where no words are even form able. I think too fast for my own good. Its like I have 30 million fucking ideas going on at one time with no way of taking time organize them into sentences. The next thing I know I'm drowning in my own world babel. I can't even blog about what I really wanna blog about half the time because if it doesn't sound how I thought it in my brain, I delete. Nothing I actually write or say is actually what I'm thinking. Some of the time. Not all, but pretty fucking frequently.

Dealing with my mind all day is a pain, truly. I need to meet some one that makes it relaxed. Makes me relaxed. Reminds me to breath.

Well what I really should say is I need to meet a person like that again and not fuck it up this time.

And I won't.

You're already dating some one. Its selfish, but I hate seeing that.

You know that.

I didn't expect it to happen this fast. Its only been 3 weeks. I'm still stuck thinking I'm only one you should be with.

I know you feel that way too.

I hope he makes you happy. I really mean that. If he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you.

You know that.

The first day I saw your stupid facebook relationship status change I texted you. You didn't say anything about it.

You knew I already saw it.

You told me that if one us started dating we shouldn't talk anymore. So far, its all going according to plan. I really hate it.

I hope you know that.

Jon asks why I don't have sex with girls all the time. I stop to think about it and all I can come up with is, "I don't know. I just want it to be personal I think. I don't want to just fuck some one to fuck some one. Like I get how that can be okay from time to time but that just isn't how I am."

He nods and says something like, "Yeah, but its so nice. Sex isn't personal for me. Its been mankind's primal instinct to have sex. Our society now is what made love relative to sex."

"Yeah I get that but I don't know, I just don't want to have sex with drunk girls all the time. I don't want that to be like the only time I have sex you know?"

"You don't have to be drunk to just have sex with girls. I do it sober too," he says.

I pause to think then say, "I get that... I'm just not attracted to that kind of a girl. If girl wants to fuck me the first time she meets me sober, then I don't want to fuck her."

He asks, "Are you afraid or something?"

"No I'm not afraid," I say, "I just... I don't know. My sexual experiences haven't been like yours. I was an asshole to girls. The only two times I actually had sex was when I was drunk. Both girls already had liked me and the next day they both wanted to hang out and get to know me. Like, they actually liked me. It wasn't just some drunk fuck. Alcohol was the reason it happened. So I just blew them off. Then the fucking third time it almost happened was with my ex. She still had feelings for me and right when it was about to happen I got up and told her I couldn't do that to her. She cried and I left her there. I walked out."

"Well, what if it was mutual between the two of you? Would you?"

"No. I don't want that kind of girl," I reply.

"I think I just do it because I hate being alone," he starts, "like I hate it if there isn't a girl laying next to me."

"Don't you want that girl to be the same girl?"

This throws him off a little. He stops and thinks for a moment then says, " Yeah it could be but I don't know."

I ask, "How many girls are you even up to now?"

"I'm really not sure anymore actually," he says with a shameful laugh.

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Not really."

"I mean, I guess theres nothing wrong with casual sex but I'm just not that person thats gonna have it with multiple people. I don't think I am afraid to have it... I just wanna have it with the same person. Some one I do care about. I don't want meaningless sex. I don't know," I say.

"Dude girls here like the kind of girls that just wanna fuck. They don't typically like 'nice guys' like that. They like guys that are kind of dicks to them," he replies.

"Well I'm sure its gonna be hard for me to find a girl that isn't like that," I start, " I mean I know my current social network is a bunch of college kids who are just down to party. I know I'm kind of looking for a girl thats opposite of that. Maybe I won't find her in our current social circle. I'm just not gonna look then. I'll let her just come to me."

Ironically, today was the first day I felt lonely in a long time.

I'm sitting with Vince and Jon smoking hookah and listening to Bon Iver. We're talking about last nights party and laughing. Then it goes quiet for a moment and Jon looks up and asks, "What did you wanna be when you were a little kid?" Vince says he wasn't ever really sure but then in Junior High and High School he wanted to be party promoter. He says he still would love to do that but he's just taking business because he's still unsure of what he wants to do. Jon says he wanted to be a fire fighter like his Dad. Then he decided that he want to be a lawyer, then a business man but he wanted to change the world too. Now he just wants to change the world. So he says he's gonna be a biologist and change the world.

They both turn to me. I look down and smile. I say, "I've been doing exactly what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid. Music. Nothing is going to change that."

We discuss how people tend to "grow up" and forget about those childish dreams. They aren't childish dreams at all. They are who we are. I hate it when people give up on that sort of thing. People seem to get older and worry about money so they give up and do something typical and don't take a chance. I tell them I think typical is stupid. I tell them I don't wanna be the old man that talks about what he used to want to be.

One thing keeps popping into my head the whole time I'm saying this. It was something you told me. I look up and say, "Some one once told me, 'If you do what you love, the money will follow.' Thats the best advice I've ever gotten."

Its true. It really is the best advice I've ever gotten. I've formed my whole life based on that.

Thank you.

Is it strange I haven't missed home yet? I find it weird. Maybe it was because I had already checked out. I was so ready to leave. And I feel bad because as I go back and read my older posts about Josh, Neb, Katie, Molli, Wes, and Ricky and I realize, that all these people have affected my life so deeply. Good and bad. I'm not really gonna see them around anymore. Its crazy to me because I for some reason don't really miss them. Like yeah I kinda do but...I don't know...it hasn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. Maybe it was because I started becoming so disconnected from all these people. I just sorta check out with them. I checked out with every body.

Las Vegas is awesome. I'm so so happy here. I've been meeting tons and tons of really new nice people. My room mates Chaz and Jon are they greatest. I fit in so nicely with them both. We got along so well. They keep telling me that they've felt they've known me for years and not a week. That its like I've always been here. Its really nice to hear that. I'm actually gonna be really sad when I move out in July. These kids are amazing.

Living by Paige again has been really nice too. She invites me over so she can make me dinner, invites me to all these parties and introduces me to all of her friends. I feel really lucky to be surrounded by all these positive people. Finally.

I really don't think I've been this happy in a long time.

I love my new life. Saying "new life? might sound dramatic but that really is what it is. A new life. I'm different here and so are the people. When I first moved in to the house Chaz was so fucking excited to hear that I DJed. All he has been talking about is how I'm supposed to teach him and how he just wants to watch me spin . He keeps telling me about all these DJs I need to meet so I can start getting connected and what not. So its been awesome. All of Chaz's and Jon's friends that I've met have been insanely nice. I tell them that I came here to DJ and Produce and they keep saying "you came to the right town". I love hearing that more than anything. Its so reassuring. I can't wait to see what the future brings here. From friendships to my career this whole move is going to be a journey.

The funny thing is I keep talking about home. I'm sure this is natural considering its how people adjust and relate to new things. I just never imagined me rambling about the old times I used to have with Josh and Meesh. And by old I really mean like 2 weeks ago haha. Everything feels different and I like it. I'm maturing and changing. Thats really all there is to it. The reminiscing just makes me feel old. Which is kind of silly considering I'm 19.

I spent my last week in Oregon with Katie. It was really nice yet really...interesting? I'm not even sure how to put it. We finally came to terms about everything. She told me that she forgave for what happened between Molli and I. I didn't really even know how to respond. I gave some sort of an awkward thank you and just tried to move on. Which ultimately I think has finally happened between Molli and I. We've moved on. I still think about her. Wonder if she's doing okay.The blog helps haha. Of course I'm still reading it so I get a rough idea of whats been going on with her. I just like to check in on her. Make sure she's okay.

But it wasn't just about Molli. We admitted that we knew we'd never be together past high school. That our different values really did set us apart not matter what we had in common. We also admitted that we love each other. Even though we knew it'd never work out.

Las Vegas is going to bring so many new things. I'm so excited for a new experience. I finally feel like life is going to shake out like its supposed to.

Thank You

As much as I've always complained about how I hate Wilsonville and all the people in it, without them I can honestly say I wouldn't be where I am. They helped my passion for music grow and grow. From the moment I started DJing the people in this town were behind me. I still remember the first dance party we through very clearly. Ashley even has the pictures. She was at almost every little Dance Party taking pictures.

We were at a football game my Junior year and it was twords the end of the game when the first Dance Party was brought up. We were losing or something and I was talking to Sarah. She some how knew I had been DJing and she randomly joked about throwing a Dance Party after the game. We tossed around the idea back and fourth then we got serious and the next thing I knew we were up at Bryan's barn and I was spinning on my old iDJ. We ended up having a great turn out and Ashley showed up taking pictures. We used these shitty speakers and a strobe light it was sooo damn ghetto but it was awesome. I remember being so nervous before but then when I saw every one moving I felt incredible. You get this big adrenaline rush and nothing else matters. You all the sudden have this connection between you and the crowd through the music and its the best feeling. It was after this night that I knew I wanted to do it forever.

We threw more Dance Parties where ever we could. Eventually people from West Linn came and friends from Hillsboro came. Eventually more and more people would show up. There were some ups and downs at some. Like people being way to fucked up and throwing up but that got sorted out hahaha. I would play rap every once in a while just to please the people even though my passion was the dirty dirty house music. I eventually managed to train all of Wilsonville to LOVE house music and dubstep so thats all I would have to play. They suddenly believed in the music like I did.

In January of my senior year my friend Geoff came to me for and idea for his senior project. He wanted to throw a giant DP at a real club. I was down immediately. We started promoting it like 2 or so months ahead of time on FB. Geoff made these giant posters of me and hung them up around his high school and mine. I would periodically check the FB page we made for it and the list of people attending just kept rising till it was around 400 or so. I was speechless. So when the big day came around I got there with my little iDj and iPod and started setting up. Did sound check the whole deal. I became insanely nervous. This was (and still) this biggest crowed I've played for. We open the doors and people started pouring in. We maxed out the club in an hour. There was about 600 people that made it in. We had to turn away about 150 people because we were way over capacity. That night was amazing. I got to play dubstep and house and it went over well. Really well. I of course played some hip hop and it was awesome. I will never forget that night.

I owe my friends everything. Without their support I really wouldn't be where I am today. Because of them I believe in myself more than I ever have. This move to Vegas will really test my passion and I plan on giving it everything I have. Thank you. I love you all.

Kouchi and Tavia stopped by tonight. It was nice to see them both because I haven't in a while. Kouchi asked me what I'd been up to. I got awkward and uncomfortable and said like " I don't know, just been working, hanging out, DJing a little bit". Follow by more rambling about "chilling", "running around" and "doin whatever".

I don't really know why I get so awkward when people ask me that question. I've done some cool shit. I got spin at 3 different rave events and am now moving to Vegas to follow that passion. Why I freeze up when people ask me I don't know. I just feel weird still being in fucking Wilsonville not doing anything. I mean the good thing about taking this time off is that I've really figured out a lot about myself. I shouldn't be ashamed of just working and doing nothing and trying to DJ. And I'm not. I just don't want people to think of me as a bum. I'm not. I know they don't. The end of this paragraph isn't even making any sense.

Anyways point is, I figured what I wanna do now. Now its time to do it.

Out with the old, in with the new

Today I arrived home from our annual 5 day vacation to Sunriver with my family and 2 other families from Washington. My mom told me it was our 12th time going. We've been doing this trip for 12 years. Its so hard to believe. I mean two of the kids have graduated college, have real jobs and still make an effort to come on this trip. Its amazing that we all still look forward to it every year. Its been an incredible experience watching these kids grow up. Seeing their changes and how we've all influenced each other. The best part of it is that we are so comfortable with one another. Its like one big dis-functional family in a house for 5 days. And all we do is laugh the whole time. Its the best trip of the year hands down. I love them all very much and wouldn't miss it for the world.

Today was also the first time I've started to get organized for Vegas. I leave in 5 days. 5 fucking days. Where the hell did the time go? I'm excited, nervous, scared, sad, anxious, happy and about every other emotion possible . I'm gonna be sad to leave my friends here...most of them. I think. See, I don't know how I feel about it. Since I went and visited Paige in like November I felt like maybe Vegas is where I need to be. Since then I've been slowly disconnecting myself from every one here. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because I hate good byes. Or maybe its because I'm tired of going through the same day every day. It all tends to blur together here. Josh calling me to hang out then never seeing him. Me working. Going to Jared's to chain smoke, drink and watch them all get high. I mean I love all these kids but don't they see what they're doing? Nothing. They're doing fucking nothing here. Its like, their all scared to grow up and move on. Start new things. Yeah its some times sad to say good bye and let go of each other but when you aren't being productive anymore...its time to wake the fuck up.

Its gonna be hard to leave. I know it will. For fucks sake I grew up here. Its just time for new things. To leave my comfort zone. Most importantly, its time for me to become the DJ and Producer I've been dreaming about. Its time to make that dream a reality.