Today wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst day either. All the shit has been randomly hitting me hard out of no where when I'm not really expecting it. I'm avoiding talking to my friends unless its Josh or Morrie. I don't go out until its the weekend. I just stick to this routine of school, working out then music. Which honestly, I do enjoy some what but I still feel bad. Junk called me 3 times right when I got home and I avoided him but then he came over anyway. I pretended I didn't know he called. He wanted to go get food and I turned him down because I mean for one I was too tired and I had just ate. He offered to buy me food but I told him no still and that he should come back over. He didn't. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't but I felt weird that he didn't call to at least give me some sort of reason why. I'm starting to wonder if my friends are noticing my habits of just sitting at home. I just feel like I have to put out this extra energy to hang out with them. Yet at the same time Junk hangs out with Tavia and Jordana and I don't really wanna hang out with them much. Neb goes to kick it with Kevin and Cam and they just get high. Its like I've gone full circle since I last left to Vegas. I feel like I'm stuck in this fuckin loop now. All this shit is so familiar.

I'm ready to tell my mom I want to go see some one. I'm just insanely freaked out on how all this shit works. I don't even know how you find one of these people and let alone I mean some one that I like. I wanted to ask Josh about his but he told me he's going back and I don't even want to tell him why I want to go in the first place. I'm just overwhelmed. A lot. I'm overwhelmed. Its getting really hard to not act like theres something up. I've been good at hiding it for a long time but its starting to not work anymore so I have no fucking clue whats gonna happen. I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Sometimes... I get drunk and do the drugs...that sound fun but I end up every time disappointed that I did them.

"It takes the same amount of time that you loved some one to get over them." Josh told me that once. I'm still weary about whether I believe that or not but its starting to make sense. It's been close to year since Katie and I cut it off, and by that I mean basically since I moved away to Vegas. Ironically, I am back again in Portland this time without her. Oddly enough its actually coming close to year that I've been without some significant in my life. By that I mean of course some I'd like date. Vegas had nothing for and since I've been back Portland hasn't had anything for me as well. Thus far. I love it here so I plan to stay. For now. I mean I'm relatively indecisive and inconsistent so who knows where I'll end up.

This time alone has left me with A LOT - I mean that - a lot of time for me to battle my own demons. If you know me, the idea that I actually have "demons" to battle with sounds dramatic. Then again whats been going on my head lately literally not one person knows about. Not Molli, not Katie and not Josh. These "demons" snuck up on me one day when I was driving to class. I was sitting in the car listening to slow music (which always puts me in a reflective mood to begin with) and I was trying to figure out where my self hatred comes from. Fuck even that sounds dramatic. I don't hate my entire self I just have the tendency from time to time where I think I'm shit and I deserve pain and suffering. I was trying to figure out where this came from. I drew a conclusion to where this all started from and realized its something that I have tucked away for almost my whole life. No one knows about it except myself. I keep acting as my own therapist and re-diagnosing myself and telling myself that it's not a big deal and that its fine. I keep making connections to how I am now and everything I've done and it keeps going back to that.

I'm not sure the purpose of the post is rather than I just wanted to write it. Its almost 3 and I'm a little drunk.

Molli I don't know if you still read this but I hope you're doing well.

Drunk, angry, upset, frustrated, lonely - those are my thoughts most of the time.

My sister got in another fight with Devin. I'm not surprised they fought the whole time I lived in Vegas. She called the house phone at 1 this morning. I answered and talked to her for a bit. Devin apparently broke up with her and Paige got mad because he wasn't listening to her and she punched and broke his window. They were both drunk. I know Paige can be impulsive and upset at times...but I really don't like Devin. I know he means well but them two together really makes me not like him. They don't work well. They just fight each other. And I love my sister and want whats best for her so I just really wish she wouldn't date him in anymore because they always get upset and fight. Its not a healthy relationship. And I hate watching her with him. I really do. She says she loves him...and I mean what can I say? I still just strongly feel that no matter how much you love some one your fights won't end up this bad. With violence and throwing belongings in the street. I mean that didn't happen tonight but it has happened before. None of it is healthy. I swear. Shes gonna call me tomorrow. I'll talk to her then I suppose.

I read pretty much my whole blog and have realized I am apparently the most inconsistent person ever. I don't even know how to explain like my feelings go every where all of the time. Is that normal? I know I'm always questioning if I'm sane or not but I mean as I was re-reading some of what I wrote my feelings change so much about the same topic. And I constantly have my hopes up for things and it goes well for a while then I figure out I don't actually like it. Which leads me to wondering what I do even like. I loved Oregon. Then hated Oregon. I loved Vegas. Then hated Vegas. Now I'm back in Oregon and love it. At some point am I gonna hate Oregon? I feel like I probably have problems making decisions. Not probably, more like clearly I have problems making decisions. I apparently have a hard time tapping in to what I'm okay with and what I'm not. How do you figure yourself out? Maybe its not through some one else. I know I'm still just as lonely here right now as I was in Vegas. And that I clearly left Vegas not because I wanted to go there for my benefit but because I felt like I needed to leave people here. Katie, Josh and Neb.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't. I'm trying to think it through but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to even be thinking through. Or what answer I'm looking for. I'm constantly contradicting myself. How long have I been doing that? I feel like I've been doing that for a while.

Also after re-reading I realized I am a selfish person. I mean not terribly and I don't know how much I am now but at least I was before I left Vegas. I'm still trying to even figure out how much I've changed since then. Or if it even matters.

I miss Katie. Thats that. Thats all. Whatever I do. Being back home has made me miss her. Whatever. Fuck it its on the table. Out in the open. Nothings gonna happen with her and I - I know that. I just wanted to say it.

I feel like I need a fucking therapist or something fuck. Or this is just completely normal for 19 year old boy who just moved back home after 6 months of drinking. I don't even know why I'm saying 6 months I still drink a lot. I mean definitely not as much there but I still drink.

I'm normal right? Like this all normal right?

I'm fucking frustrated. I don't even know if thats half of it. I get an email from the advisor for PCC today about the music program I'm trying to take it and just says this:
"Hi, Austin: We have reached the end of our advising schedule. Most of our classes are full. Students who want to start the program generally see me in the spring for advising. In many cases, they need to take intro classes that we offer over the summer term. We start classes in three weeks, but most of our students have laid the groundwork and done their advising and scheduling much earlier. There may be some room in some of our course, but most of the core classes have filled."

I'm tired of being so fucking indecisive all the time. Its really delaying out my life. For some reason I moved to Vegas and then moved back because I couldn't make up mind. Now that I'm here again I have to start all over again with getting my name out its starting to get frustrating. Right when I was ready to go to fucking school and actually start doing something I run into this shit. Great. It might take another fucking year for me to go to school. Fucking really? I need to take those intro classes I know I do I don't wanna fuck up because I didn't take them. Tt just fucking sucks they aren't available all the time. I can't sit around like this for another year and feel like I'm doing shit. I'm just constantly stuck right where I started. I need to move forward and I am really trying I am. I just don't know why I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what to do I'm doing everything I fucking can I'm going god damn insane.

fuck