“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” ~Lemony Snicket

I found for sure I'm leaving in January. Its time for new beginnings.

It seems so familiar

I feel like I have a lot write about. I've been putting it off for while. Well for starters, I'm 19. My birthday was last Wednesday. It was a lot of fun. Ricky was awesome and let us party at his house. Almost every one I cared about was there. Well except for Neb and Josh. Neb was "too high" to show up at my party. Josh was doing something for Keanan (who had recently committed suicide) for his birthday and wasn't in the mood to go out. Which was fine up until I called him later to see if he was gonna at least stop by. Instead he was playing basketball with some people. Cool right? I mean its not like I've been there for these kids whenever they've fucking needed me. Throughout all of high school. Some best friends right? On top of that they're fucking coke heads. I recently decided to drink with them a only to find them yaked out of their minds as usual. I know I'm exaggerating, they haven't been doing it that often (as far as I know) but I still hate it.

Josh called me tonight and said he was gonna come watch the blazer game with me and my family. He never showed up. Then Neb texted me later to tell me he was gonna come over. He texted me back saying Josh was "too high" and they weren't gonna come. Deja Vu.  Basically since my birthday, I've stopped to talking to them both. I can't deal with all their shit. I get the recreational use of smoking every once and while but thats all the fucking do. I'm done dealing with that shit. I don't know if I'm just uppity about it or if I'm just over smoking but its fucking driving me crazy. I'm not gonna really talk to them much anymore. 

Since Paige has been home I'm slowly realizing how hard it is finding some where to live in Vegas. So now I don't know about Vegas. None of her friends want to room with me. I can't blame them. They don't know me its awkward. Even though they haven't responded to my e-mails it has to be something a long those lines. So I guess worst case scenario, I leave in July. If I have to wait till July I'm gonna fucking lose it. I can't be in this town. I can't be at my same job. I can't be around Josh anymore. I should of just fucking moved to Tigard with Junk like we were gonna do. He's the only kid I can actually stand. Really. He's reliable and not a fucking idiot. 

I'm sure everything will figure it self out for the better I suppose. I hope. 

I slept like shit last night. I couldn't shut my mind off. So much kept running through my mind. All I could think about was what you said. It played over and over and over again in mind. I still don't know what to think of. It makes me sad, angry and frustrated all that the same time. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just upset and frustrated with myself. With every one I know really. I just wanna leave. I do. I really do. I need a fresh start. Nothing is working here like it should of. Part of it is my fault. But its not even about my love life either any more. Its my friends too. I'm sick of them. I just need to get the fuck out and starting living life. 

I woke up this morning expecting to see a text from you. And I didn't. So I guess you'll talk to me you're ready. 

Remember when I called you drunk the other night? I was freaking out because I felt like I was bad person. I was freaking out because I was the reason why you were always upset. I was telling that I need to disappear over and over again. Yeah I was drunk and upset but those thoughts came from some where. Its awful. 

You think I can't love? I have so many thoughts in my head right now its too overwhelming to even fucking type. What sucks is the fact that you're probably fucking right. So pity me. Fine. Feel bad for me.

Do you understand where my thoughts come from? Why sometimes I think I'm so terrible? Most of them are from reading what you write about me. Because I believe everything you say in there. I mean you've only known me since I was like fucking 13. Do you ever wonder what I'm thinking when I read what you have to say about me? You know I read every word of it. Like I said, I always have. Always. So have you ever considered how I feel when I read it? In all fairness its your blog, its for you to vent, I shouldn't be reading it. You really shouldn't have to care about what I think. I don't want you to  care because that would completely defeat the purpose of your blog. It would no longer be your real thoughts there for making it pretty pointless. You won't (and shouldn't) do that anyway. I'm not even sure why I was worried about that. So I'll just simply stop reading it. 

In all honestly, I don't even wanna post this. I know you'll see it too. I care about you so much that I don't want it to make you upset. Crazy right? But then again this is my way of venting as well. 

Its also my way of letting you know I'm upset. 

 

 

Home

Paige comes home tomorrow. She'll be here for about a month. I'm so excited. My whole family and friends are too. Its kinda funny, whenever she's home its like this big ordeal. Every one gets so stoked. Its nice because it brings every one together again. I love it. She's just that kind of person. Theres not many people that can bring people together like that. I love her. Her opinion matters so much to me its ridiculous. Not in a bad way. Its just really important to me. I trust her.  

Its been nice too because Ricky, Meesh and Hughes all are back. As well as many others. I like when every one comes back for the holidays. Thats really just my favorite thing about them. I love seeing the old familiar faces. It makes me miss them so much more though. It reminds me that I'm getting closer and closer  to Vegas one step at a time. Its a bit scary really. I'm about to enter a new world and start a new chapter in my life. I'm not afraid of change, I just know I'm gonna miss every one.

Its gonna be nice to live with Paige though. She's such a good person to have in my life. Always supportive. All of the time. I love it. We get along so well too its perfect. I mean she practically raised me. Her and all her friends. Its funny how my whole life I've done nothing but look up to people like Ross, Kouchi, Ricky, Kevin and Paige. I have to say they have all affected me life more than anyone else I know. They were my heroes growing up. They still are. They really raised me and I feel lucky for that. Although given I don't talk to Ross, Ricky, Kouchi and Kevin much anymore but they still mean the world to me. Without them I can honestly say I don't think I'd be me. Its as simple as that. 

They are my home. 

I'm staring down my cup of coffee. I keep mumbling something or other about moving to Vegas and school. I'm not really sure what I'm even talking about but I keep hearing myself say "fucking I don't know" over and over again. Then I look up to Katie's face again. I can tell she's focusing more on my mannerisms more than what I'm saying. She always would. Its impossible to hide anything from her. I feel myself getting uncomfortable and repeat " but I don't know" one more time for good measure.  She tells me she's truly happy for me and that she's gonna miss me. I find it strange that she says she's gonna miss me. I don't know why but it feels weird to me. Why is she gonna miss me? 

For some reason every time I've seen her since she went to school I can feel more and more distance growing. Its not unnatural, I mean we both knew it was gonna happen but everything feels strange. Talking to Katie now isn't like talking to the Katie I knew before... I'm uneasy and for some reason feel like I have to watch what I say. Its almost like George Fox made her...more...I don't even know how to put this, but it apparently made her way more boring. Flat out boring. She's not as funny as she used to be. She's different. Too different. I can feel it. I know she feels like she's getting closer to God or whatever but she's changing. When we dated I never thought that religion never would have been factor. It wasn't. She was just a Christian and I was just an Atheist. It never caused any fights. I mean I didn't even fucking care. She had her beliefs and I had mine. That was that. Up until now, I never thought something like that would matter. Call me naive but I didn't.  Now seeing the way we are changing it never would have worked. She's just...too different now. 

I don't wanna make it seem like it religion that is causing this. Thats not it. I know its a part of it but I don't wanna make it seem like thats the only sole reason. I mean honestly we're just two separate people. Our lives were both destined to go on completely separate paths. I remember her saying something like "Its funny seeing how different our lives are becoming" when I first told her about Vegas. We both knew it from the beginning its just weird now that its really happening. I always thought thats why we were such a good couple. I mean thats why I loved her. She's the opposite of me. Yeah we have so many things in common but our values and goals are completely different. I mean she wants the comfortable family life type thing and I really don't want that. I wanna DJ. Every where. I want my career to take my across the world. Meet all kinds of people. Not come home from my 9 to 5 and drink a beer on the couch. I just wanna live it up you know?  

I just loved her for her. We had fun together. I didn't give a shit about her religion, what she wanted in the future, or where she was going to school. I just loved her. I'll miss her too.

I've been pushing her away lately. I've been pushing a lot people away lately. And I think its simply because I hate saying good bye. I'd rather have everything slowly just fade away so I can slowly just disappear into another life. I fucking do it subconsciously. I can't control it. Or maybe I don't want to control it. Either way I know its not really okay. Its just more running away from every one. I've done that enough in my life. 

She invites me to dinner with her and her friends. I tell her no thanks and pretend I have plans with Josh or something anyway.

Fight Club was my Bible

This morning I woke up and did my typical routine. Crawled outa bed, poured some coffee, put on some music and surfed the web. Then for some reason I decided to grab my external hard drive and go through it. I found stuff alllll the way back to my freshman year in highschool. It was funny reminiscing on much fun I was having and who I used to hang with. Even funnier was how much I had changed over those 4 years. I'm glad I filmed a lot of it. So as I was stumbling around I opened a folder titled "Senior Project" and found some videos of one of my favorite teachers Mr. DG. He's a history teacher and tends to teach in a very non-traditional way. For example, your first day of class he tackles a stack of history books, drill holes into them and grind up the pages into a smoothie and drinks it. Anyways, for our senior project we interviewed him and other students and faculty about Wilsonville, change in the world and the school system. Here's what he had to say:

 I used to want to change, I used to always talk about how "fucked" our system was and the we needed to fix, and how we're just setting ourselves up for debt. I was rebellious against everything. I mean I still believe in some of that but something changed. As I started getting older I stopped caring as much. Maybe its because I've been distracted by partying. I'm more concerned about who's driving, who's getting the alcohol and who's gonna be there. Honestly, it makes me feel bad. Sure its fun but I lost sight on what was once believed in. I was probably way more up to date on current events then than I am now. Now, I really don't know care about anything. I mean sure I have an opinion on the war, tax-cuts and all that bull shit but I probably can't back it up. I just stopped caring about the world. I turned into this pessimistic person that hates humanity and thinks every thing is fucked and nothings gonna fix it. I used to believe I had a voice and I could change the world but now I don't care. If its out of my hands to solve then I really don't give a fuck. 

I'm not sure what's gonna change that. 

I'll do it on my own, watch me

It took Brandon roughly 4 or so weeks to text to me and tell me that he's "worried about me" and that "I've been off the grid". I know he is and I know I have. Yeah, I've been avoiding going to Spun since I left to visit Vegas. After what happened at Temple of Boom there was no way I was going back. The 30 minute minute set that "I" was supposed to spin turned out to be him doing fucking everything and not letting me touch a single thing. Basically all I did was choose the tracks. See what Brandon failed to understand is that I've been mixing for 2 and a half years. Even after I told him that he still didn't believe that I knew what the fuck I was doing. He also failed to realize that after he hooked up me with the first rave I fucking rocked it. He wasn't even there to hear it or help me. So you can understand my frustration right? I'm paying this guy 315 dollars a month to teach me how to improve my technique and he hasn't really helped me with shit. Sure he hooked me up with 2 shows where I networked myself into getting more shows. On top of that, the mother fucker is addicted to whip its and is constantly late. So. When I told him that I won't be coming back because of work and that I'm moving he said "I'm here for you Fam". Which was comforting, but then I realized its been all bullshit with him. So I'm leaving. 

This time, I'm doing it on my own. Like how it should be done. When I move to Vegas, its gonna be hard. Probably really hard. I think IADT has good connections and they can help too but I wanna do it on my own this time. I've never been more confident than ever in my mixing and I'm constantly getting better. I know I can rock the hell out of any rave or club and I'm gonna prove it to everybody. Watch me, just watch me. I'm gonna be great and I'm gonna be somebody. I know I can do it. The hard part is making some one believe I can too. But I will. 

Watch me, just watch me.

Not everyone is gonna change, it sucks but its the truth

It had been 2 days since I'd herd from Josh. When he finally called me today I didn't really have too much to say. I was still upset and he knew it. I realize this sounds a bit dramatic considering I'm with the kid every day but when you go from being with Josh 2 days straight and then not hear from him at all, its a bit strange. Especially with how Saturday night went.

My sister came home for Thanksgiving and was staying till Sunday so naturally we had a little party with her friends and mine before she left. Basically that night was some what of a blur but I do remember Josh being pretty drunk. We all are were. Since we were having a party at my house my parents were hanging around drinking as well and they had taken every ones keys. Basically at some point in the night - I don't really remember when - Josh decided to leave. He apparently had driven up to this other party out on the back roads where I'm sure he drank more. While he was there I got a call from Alyssa saying that Josh was drunk as fuck and had just left Chris'.  After that he then left and apparently drove to my friend Jordana's house. I remember getting a text around 2:30 or so from Tavia telling me I need to "watch out for Josh" or something a long those lines. He apparently was too drunk to stand so they had to help him into Jordana's. Then later they drove him home.  

Waking up to this in the morning I was pissed. This was not the first time Josh has driven intoxicated.  He always drives fucking drunk or high or whatever. I've told the fucking kid many times that its not fucking cool at all and that he's a dumbass. I seem to have that conversation a lot with him. Whether its about his coke binges, the amounts he smokes or him driving drunk, they are always popping up. So I can't help but ask myself, what its gonna take? Does he need to get in a fucking car wreck? Does he need to get caught by the cops? At this point that seems like the only thing. I know he doesn't have the greatest family life with is Dad always gone, his Mom too tired of raising kids and his extremely successful older siblings he feels he has to compete with. I know its a lot of stress and not a lot of direction with him but I can't handle it. I hate seeing my best friend with all these issues and me trying to fix it. So far it hasn't worked and it probably never will. I just don't wanna know what its gonna take for him to finally figure it out. Hopefully nothing too extreme.

Anyways, when I finally got a call from him he informed me that he had been baking weed edibles with Wes all day and that he was gonna stop by on his way home. Being Josh he offered me a cookie and being myself I said no. When he showed up I didn't say much. I asked about Wes'. He asked (again) why I don't smoke anymore. I told him (again) that I don't because I'm over it and that I think I have better things to do. He tries again to convince me other wise.  When I finally bring up Saturday it doesn't go over well. He said the same shit he always says,"Oh yeah bro, I was so fucked up, I'm so mad I drove. Like seriously I don't even wanna talk about it so many people said shit to me." I just nodded and said, " Yeah dude you gotta stop doing that shit man."

At this point, I can't help but feel like I've lost the kid.

I'm not gonna lie, for once

I'm not gonna lie, I always read her blog. All the time. A lot more than she thought. It kinda helped me understand her more than I thought I already had. So when I started reading tonight I couldn't stop. I was trying catch up on whats had been going on with her and what I had been missing. So I started reading and just kept reading. Before I knew it I hit September, August and the July. Then my stomach dropped. Its been so long since I've had a conversation about what happened between Molli, Katie and myself. Yet there it was, right in front of my face. It was everything Molli had gone through while I was trying to get back with Katie. It...made me sad. Really sad. I some how failed to realize what I was to her. I mean I knew what I was, but I didn't value it. I didn't try as hard as she did. Reading about how she hated me for a while and all this stuff made me feel low. Not shit. Just low. The whole situation was low of me. All of it.

For like 2 months I had been trying to deal and explain to them why I had been doing what I was doing. Most of it was to Katie because I wanted her back. Then it all suddenly stopped. I mean I know I was the reason it stopped but it still just stopped. And yeah things are betterish now but I still...I'm still not okay from it all. Which honestly should be the least of my worries because...quite frankly, I shouldn't. I don't feel like I really deserve to be.

But for how long? Sure I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling like the asshole but I mean...I am that asshole. I was an asshole and I still am. For some reason I still can't even wrap my brain around the fact that two of them still care about me, still wish me well and still like wanna be able to talk. Yeah I talk to Katie more than Molli but still...they were both supposed to say "fuck you" and leave. They didn't. Which is why my head is still a mess. Its honestly like...if the two of them don't hate me I won't allow myself to be okay and to move on. I don't know how to. I don't feel like I get to. Maybe when I move to Vegas it'll change. I'm banking on it.

I miss them both. I do want them both to be happy but I miss them both. A lot. I remember thinking while all the shit was going down that maybe one of them would end up with me and it'd be okay. Then I lost them both. Which for some reason I didn't see coming. I know, I know, that sounds completely fucking ridiculous after what happened, believe me, I know, but I did think that. It was selfish. Really selfish. Its better for them that neither of them did. And for me.

When I first told Molli that we weren't ever gonna be together and we couldn't talk anymore, she would send me texts trying to figure out why why why we never were going to be together. She would try to convince me that we could and tell me that I didn't try and it could work (which yes, I know it could of worked. I know.) and that I was just making excuses (which yeah I was). I didn't really realize how she felt and why she was saying all that. I mean I was... I don't wanna say her everything (she's way stronger than that. She needed me but she is so so so strong) but for fucks sake we had been talking since I was fucking 13 thats a lot a lot a lot of fucking time to get to know some one. So yeah we were close to say the least and I was suddenly just shutting off all communication. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't understand how she felt literally pouring her whole heart out and hoping for it to be scooped back up. I didn't understand that until I found myself doing the exact same thing to Katie. And Katie telling me no. Except, Katie was nicer to me than I was to Molli. She still wanted to be friends. But when she told me we'd never be together again that was the worst feeling I'd ever felt. And Molli I'm sorry...for making you have to pour your heart out like that and have it denied. I am. Thats a terrible terrible terrible feeling.

They both tell me it'll get better. Still. I do believe them. I just miss them.

The First One

So here we are. The first post.  Like a proper gentleman, I will now begin to introduce myself.  

I'm 18. My life is about start changing at an incredibly fast rate. I am going to be a DJ and Music Producer. I like to swear. I contradict myself a lot. I'm a hypocrite. I say "like" a lot. My grammar is terrible. My conventions are terrible. But I figured if I tried to write like we were taught in school, I don't think you'd get an accurate idea of who I really am. And since this is my blog and it's not getting graded, all forms of grammar, conventions and any other writing traits I'm currently forgetting about can go fuck themselves. Oh, I also tend go on a lot of tangents and have lots of "ADD" moments so bare with me. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.

As I'm writing all this I can't help but ask myself what I'm doing. Like why the fuck would some one even read this the first place? First off, I don't think any one will and secondly, it'd probably just be a waste of their time. Of course I think I'm interesting but don't they have something better to do? Don't I have something better to do? Well sadly I don't but maybe they do. Assuming the person reading this (if any one does read this) is a rather productive person. Some one that maybe goes to school, studies, works and has a life outside of  constant status updates and pictures of last weekends parties. 

Then again, having some one read this might not be the point of blogging at all. It might just be a way for me to get my scattered thoughts out of my head. It could be a healthy way for me to vent without sounding like a fucking crazy person to my closest friends. Its probably healthier for them too because then they don't have to listen to all the bizarre dumb shit that goes through my head 24 hours a day. Which ultimately could drive them insane. So they should thank me. Fuckers. 

But maybe I do want some one to read it. A friend, an internet lurker, a celebrity, a politician, your mom (lol),  anyone. Anyone. Because lets be honest here, don't we all want some one to get know us? Of course we do. What will it really show if they do read it? Probably nothing. Are we all just as interesting as we think we are? Well, yes. I'm interesting. You're interesting. We know that. But do you really care? If some one really does read this, could it mean that they actually kind of give a fuck about what I'm thinking? Yes and no. Will it create some kind of connection between me and the reader? Honestly, I hope so. We all want a connection. If my words create some kind of emotional connection between the two of us it'll honestly make me happy.  However lets not forget, this all might be for my sanity. 

Well whatever this is, who knows what it'll turn into. I'll probably forget about it. Then come back and write in it again. Then forget about it. Then write in it again. And so on and so fourth until blogging turns into a thing of the past and every one forgets about it. Until then, time will only tell.