I'm staring down my cup of coffee. I keep mumbling something or other about moving to Vegas and school. I'm not really sure what I'm even talking about but I keep hearing myself say "fucking I don't know" over and over again. Then I look up to Katie's face again. I can tell she's focusing more on my mannerisms more than what I'm saying. She always would. Its impossible to hide anything from her. I feel myself getting uncomfortable and repeat " but I don't know" one more time for good measure. She tells me she's truly happy for me and that she's gonna miss me. I find it strange that she says she's gonna miss me. I don't know why but it feels weird to me. Why is she gonna miss me?
For some reason every time I've seen her since she went to school I can feel more and more distance growing. Its not unnatural, I mean we both knew it was gonna happen but everything feels strange. Talking to Katie now isn't like talking to the Katie I knew before... I'm uneasy and for some reason feel like I have to watch what I say. Its almost like George Fox made her...more...I don't even know how to put this, but it apparently made her way more boring. Flat out boring. She's not as funny as she used to be. She's different. Too different. I can feel it. I know she feels like she's getting closer to God or whatever but she's changing. When we dated I never thought that religion never would have been factor. It wasn't. She was just a Christian and I was just an Atheist. It never caused any fights. I mean I didn't even fucking care. She had her beliefs and I had mine. That was that. Up until now, I never thought something like that would matter. Call me naive but I didn't. Now seeing the way we are changing it never would have worked. She's just...too different now.
I don't wanna make it seem like it religion that is causing this. Thats not it. I know its a part of it but I don't wanna make it seem like thats the only sole reason. I mean honestly we're just two separate people. Our lives were both destined to go on completely separate paths. I remember her saying something like "Its funny seeing how different our lives are becoming" when I first told her about Vegas. We both knew it from the beginning its just weird now that its really happening. I always thought thats why we were such a good couple. I mean thats why I loved her. She's the opposite of me. Yeah we have so many things in common but our values and goals are completely different. I mean she wants the comfortable family life type thing and I really don't want that. I wanna DJ. Every where. I want my career to take my across the world. Meet all kinds of people. Not come home from my 9 to 5 and drink a beer on the couch. I just wanna live it up you know?
I just loved her for her. We had fun together. I didn't give a shit about her religion, what she wanted in the future, or where she was going to school. I just loved her. I'll miss her too.
I've been pushing her away lately. I've been pushing a lot people away lately. And I think its simply because I hate saying good bye. I'd rather have everything slowly just fade away so I can slowly just disappear into another life. I fucking do it subconsciously. I can't control it. Or maybe I don't want to control it. Either way I know its not really okay. Its just more running away from every one. I've done that enough in my life.
She invites me to dinner with her and her friends. I tell her no thanks and pretend I have plans with Josh or something anyway.
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