I'm not gonna lie, for once

I'm not gonna lie, I always read her blog. All the time. A lot more than she thought. It kinda helped me understand her more than I thought I already had. So when I started reading tonight I couldn't stop. I was trying catch up on whats had been going on with her and what I had been missing. So I started reading and just kept reading. Before I knew it I hit September, August and the July. Then my stomach dropped. Its been so long since I've had a conversation about what happened between Molli, Katie and myself. Yet there it was, right in front of my face. It was everything Molli had gone through while I was trying to get back with Katie. It...made me sad. Really sad. I some how failed to realize what I was to her. I mean I knew what I was, but I didn't value it. I didn't try as hard as she did. Reading about how she hated me for a while and all this stuff made me feel low. Not shit. Just low. The whole situation was low of me. All of it.

For like 2 months I had been trying to deal and explain to them why I had been doing what I was doing. Most of it was to Katie because I wanted her back. Then it all suddenly stopped. I mean I know I was the reason it stopped but it still just stopped. And yeah things are betterish now but I still...I'm still not okay from it all. Which honestly should be the least of my worries because...quite frankly, I shouldn't. I don't feel like I really deserve to be.

But for how long? Sure I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling like the asshole but I mean...I am that asshole. I was an asshole and I still am. For some reason I still can't even wrap my brain around the fact that two of them still care about me, still wish me well and still like wanna be able to talk. Yeah I talk to Katie more than Molli but still...they were both supposed to say "fuck you" and leave. They didn't. Which is why my head is still a mess. Its honestly like...if the two of them don't hate me I won't allow myself to be okay and to move on. I don't know how to. I don't feel like I get to. Maybe when I move to Vegas it'll change. I'm banking on it.

I miss them both. I do want them both to be happy but I miss them both. A lot. I remember thinking while all the shit was going down that maybe one of them would end up with me and it'd be okay. Then I lost them both. Which for some reason I didn't see coming. I know, I know, that sounds completely fucking ridiculous after what happened, believe me, I know, but I did think that. It was selfish. Really selfish. Its better for them that neither of them did. And for me.

When I first told Molli that we weren't ever gonna be together and we couldn't talk anymore, she would send me texts trying to figure out why why why we never were going to be together. She would try to convince me that we could and tell me that I didn't try and it could work (which yes, I know it could of worked. I know.) and that I was just making excuses (which yeah I was). I didn't really realize how she felt and why she was saying all that. I mean I was... I don't wanna say her everything (she's way stronger than that. She needed me but she is so so so strong) but for fucks sake we had been talking since I was fucking 13 thats a lot a lot a lot of fucking time to get to know some one. So yeah we were close to say the least and I was suddenly just shutting off all communication. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't understand how she felt literally pouring her whole heart out and hoping for it to be scooped back up. I didn't understand that until I found myself doing the exact same thing to Katie. And Katie telling me no. Except, Katie was nicer to me than I was to Molli. She still wanted to be friends. But when she told me we'd never be together again that was the worst feeling I'd ever felt. And Molli I'm sorry...for making you have to pour your heart out like that and have it denied. I am. Thats a terrible terrible terrible feeling.

They both tell me it'll get better. Still. I do believe them. I just miss them.