I get the first text from you in about a month and it reads "I see you added Molli again. Glad things could rekindle :)"

"Yeah. It took you 3 weeks to find some one else," I say back.

"I'm surprised you saw that."

"Yeah. I saw it. I texted you as soon as I did to see if you'd say anything. You didn't. Why?"

"I didn't wanna rub it in," you reply.

"Is he nice?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I hope he makes you happy."

"Oh. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

In all honesty I had been waiting for you notice that I added Molli on facebook. Because I knew for it'd be a big fucking deal to you. And heres thing, I'm over all this shit. Really. Truely. I am. I fucked up. I've admitted it a thousand times. I've hated myself for it. You ironically told before I left to get over it and let myself be happy again and stop thinking I'm asshole. Yet after we talked to today it set me back. I don't like it that now I feel like we hate each other. Like what the fuck that was never supposed to happen. We left on good terms. Now it turned to shit. But whatever. Fuck it. If thats how its gonna fucking be then fine. It'll fucking stay that way. So enjoy you're new fucking boyfriend. I hope he's a real winner. He's probably some christian prick. Hope he makes you think of me. Just please if you're gonna hate me fucking hate me already. I deserve it. Fuck.

This is not how we talk to each other it never was its not supposed to be like that. We said we'd be friends. But that shit really never works in the end.

http://www.dubspot.com/

what the fuck. So. Fucking Brandon (from Spun Academy) posted a little blog thing on facebook writing about how he was the first to the whole DJ school thing and music school bull shit thing. but what the fuck.this school in new york is EXACTLY what i was fucking looking for. and its look 100 times more legit. not constant moving locations. a fucking whip it addicted instructor. they have like fucking 10 instructors. Who are all legit. Brandon maybe was legit. But that mother fucker is a fucking con artist. Now im tying to figure out it if being in Vegas was a good choice or not. ajfnasfnmsaf Fucking ay im tripping the fuck out. Should I be in new york? is that place gonna help me the most?

however.

I am getting started here. I have my first gig march 9th and its looking like they'll be more after.

BUT

that school is the school I've been looking for.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be here.

Maybe my path isn't meant to be there.

I need to relax.

Random thoughts from my head currently.

1. The inside of my brain feels like its constantly, constantly moving around in a circle, thinking, processing, debating, contemplating, talking, shouting, whispering, telling me the right thing the do, telling me the wrong thing to do, is on speed, wishing, ticking, doubting, believing, accepting, knows the truth, lying and nothing.

2. People over analyze poems too much. No poem has a real meaning. Poems mean different things to different people. That being said I wish I could still do creative writings like I used to.

3. Jon is the only good friend I have here so far. I don't want him to transfer to the coastguard after summer and go to San Diego State.

4. IADT may not be the school I wanna go to. I don't know if I'll be happy there. Its expensive. That stresses me the fuck out. Something about it gives me a weird vibe. UNLV has Music Technology and its easier to make friends there.

5. I want to inspire people some day.

6. I interview myself in my head constantly.

7. I hate silence.

8. Fuck you.

9. Why do I believe every one all the time?

10. I think I'm crazy.

11. I hate school. Really I don't think its for me.

12. I refuse to grow up.

13. I hate people.

14. I love people.

I wanna tell all these things to some one.

I've discovered somethings I actually miss about home:

1. My loud ass speakers and sub to mix with.

2. My desktop computer to producer on (its just soooo much fucking easier than a laptop).

3. My piano.

I've been listening to a lot of classical piano and movie score music lately so thats making me miss my piano real bad. Its been my new obsession. Whenever I listen to it I swear to god it changes my whole though process. It puts me in such a different place I can't even describe. I start seeing the music. I imagine scenes in my head where the music might be taking place. Its a whole new way to imagine things.

I love music

A strange thought dawned on me tonight. I was watching The Town and at the end of the movie Ben Affleck says something about he's leaving Charleston for the first time. It got me thinking about moving and what its like to be new in town. For some reason I got this idea in my head that I've always been the new kid. I still remember how badly the move from Washington tore me apart. That sounds dramatic but I was young and I didn't wanna go. I didn't understand why I had to leave my friends. I remember trying to make new friends. Trying to figure out who I actually wanted to be friends with and who was some one I just wanted hang out with because I was lonely.

The last couple of years in Oregon felt like home to me. Finally. I no longer had to listen to people talk about things in Oregon that I knew nothing about. I didn't have to keep telling stories about "my old friends in Washington". I mean I don't want to forget but it was nice to actually feel connected to my surroundings for once. I had missed that. Its funny how we tend to crave a sense of belonging.

Now I'm in Vegas. I have a new set of "old friends in Oregon." It caught me off guard because I said that a lot tonight. I talked about Josh, Neb and Meesh and all the dumb shit we did. How we always had so much fun together. I then realized I'm not going back there. I'm not. I don't plan on it. Theres nothing there for me anymore. I mean besides my family. Sure I have friends there.... but I left at a really weird time in their lives. I guess my life wasn't all that normal either. I mean fuck I was miserable there. The drugs, the girl problems and the stupid jobs. I'm sure I make it sound a bit dramatic but I felt like I was caught in this fucking shit storm. Apparently I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I am trying to let go though, really I am.

I am the new kid once again. I listen to new faces laugh and reflect on childhood memories. I smile and tell them how funny that must have been. And I patiently await, to feel at home.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Buckle. I'm pretty excited! I hope I get the job. If I do I'm gonna take some acting classes. Yes. Acting classes. Its kind of something I've always wanted to do. I think I could be good at too. And since I moved out here, why the fuck not just go for it. I have nothing to lose. I found website that shows you parts that you can apply for. So like....why not try it. I feel ambitious. So fuck it. I'm gonna do what I want.

I can't wait for my moment. Its gonna come and I know it. I can feel it. If I keep doing what I'm doing and work hard. Its bound to happen. I've been following my heart my whole life. I've been doing what I love and nothing else. I don't have one of those stories where every one around me doubts me. Tells me to think logically. Instead its filled with people supporting me. How many stories have you herd of that have that? Every one that I've shared my passion with has believed in me since day one. They know I can do it. Most importantly I know I can too. I will. I don't think anyone feels music like I do. I understands why I love it like I do. So I'm gonna show them. I'll show them how beautiful it all really is. It hits me harder than anything else ever could. I'm gonna be one top of the world one day. I'm gonna look back, smile and thank every one for believing in me. I can't wait for that moment.