There is a lot of loneliness. With that comes the sadness. Along with that comes the self reflection. Followed by that will come cigarettes and maybe a drink.

The night before Thanksgiving...I got rather intoxicated. While every one went to sleep I decided to blog. I blogged about Katie. How happy I thought I was then. Then I actually started crying. That is the second time in my life I was drunk and literally crying. I've been drunk and upset but don't normally get drunk and cry. I thought it was because of Katie that night. In the morning that wasn't why. When I started dating Katie I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew eventually we were going to become too different for it to work. I can't change her and I didn't want to.

I was crying because for the first time in my life I have no connections to anyone anymore. I'm alone. See normally, I'm used to being able to say everything to some one. To talk about my family to. To act like an idiot around. For some one reason its never really been my style to be like that with Josh or Neb. I mean we're so close you think we would. Sure I act all goofy like best friends do but theres somethings I just don't talk to them about. I don't really want to. Thats just how it is.

My mom kind of pointed out to me during this whole week that I don't like to leave home. She's right. I'm comfortable here. I do want to break out don't get me wrong. Its not like I plan on being stuck here my whole life. I just am not ready. Neb keeps pressuring me to move out with him and I don't know how to tell him I'm not ready. At the same time it might be less lonely.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for being home all the time. I'm home a lot. I don't have a job right now and I just go work out, go to school twice a week and come home. I seldom call Neb or Kyle. The only person I could have around is Josh. I don't know why but maybe its because we understand each other better than Neb and I do. I think I'm happy here most the time I do...I just don't really know where am at with my self lately.

At night time before I sleep I become my own therapist. I ask myself questions in my head, answer them and continue to search for understanding of my own mind. I think of childhood memories, past relationships, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've herd and come up with nothing. As far back as I can remember I've always been sad about something. Even when I was younger.

I remember on the Thursday night a couple weeks ago, when I got drunk and cried to my Mom, telling her I felt like something was wrong with me, she said, "Austin, you've always been my sensitive child. You always have." She's right, I always have.

I keep forgetting to mention that my mom knows and so does Molli. I told Molli on Saturday while we were on the phone but I couldn't really keep talking to her because I was interrupted by Josh and Junk. I'm also now unfortunately having a tough time shutting down my mind for the night. Too much going on.

Today wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst day either. All the shit has been randomly hitting me hard out of no where when I'm not really expecting it. I'm avoiding talking to my friends unless its Josh or Morrie. I don't go out until its the weekend. I just stick to this routine of school, working out then music. Which honestly, I do enjoy some what but I still feel bad. Junk called me 3 times right when I got home and I avoided him but then he came over anyway. I pretended I didn't know he called. He wanted to go get food and I turned him down because I mean for one I was too tired and I had just ate. He offered to buy me food but I told him no still and that he should come back over. He didn't. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't but I felt weird that he didn't call to at least give me some sort of reason why. I'm starting to wonder if my friends are noticing my habits of just sitting at home. I just feel like I have to put out this extra energy to hang out with them. Yet at the same time Junk hangs out with Tavia and Jordana and I don't really wanna hang out with them much. Neb goes to kick it with Kevin and Cam and they just get high. Its like I've gone full circle since I last left to Vegas. I feel like I'm stuck in this fuckin loop now. All this shit is so familiar.

I'm ready to tell my mom I want to go see some one. I'm just insanely freaked out on how all this shit works. I don't even know how you find one of these people and let alone I mean some one that I like. I wanted to ask Josh about his but he told me he's going back and I don't even want to tell him why I want to go in the first place. I'm just overwhelmed. A lot. I'm overwhelmed. Its getting really hard to not act like theres something up. I've been good at hiding it for a long time but its starting to not work anymore so I have no fucking clue whats gonna happen. I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Sometimes... I get drunk and do the drugs...that sound fun but I end up every time disappointed that I did them.

"It takes the same amount of time that you loved some one to get over them." Josh told me that once. I'm still weary about whether I believe that or not but its starting to make sense. It's been close to year since Katie and I cut it off, and by that I mean basically since I moved away to Vegas. Ironically, I am back again in Portland this time without her. Oddly enough its actually coming close to year that I've been without some significant in my life. By that I mean of course some I'd like date. Vegas had nothing for and since I've been back Portland hasn't had anything for me as well. Thus far. I love it here so I plan to stay. For now. I mean I'm relatively indecisive and inconsistent so who knows where I'll end up.

This time alone has left me with A LOT - I mean that - a lot of time for me to battle my own demons. If you know me, the idea that I actually have "demons" to battle with sounds dramatic. Then again whats been going on my head lately literally not one person knows about. Not Molli, not Katie and not Josh. These "demons" snuck up on me one day when I was driving to class. I was sitting in the car listening to slow music (which always puts me in a reflective mood to begin with) and I was trying to figure out where my self hatred comes from. Fuck even that sounds dramatic. I don't hate my entire self I just have the tendency from time to time where I think I'm shit and I deserve pain and suffering. I was trying to figure out where this came from. I drew a conclusion to where this all started from and realized its something that I have tucked away for almost my whole life. No one knows about it except myself. I keep acting as my own therapist and re-diagnosing myself and telling myself that it's not a big deal and that its fine. I keep making connections to how I am now and everything I've done and it keeps going back to that.

I'm not sure the purpose of the post is rather than I just wanted to write it. Its almost 3 and I'm a little drunk.

Molli I don't know if you still read this but I hope you're doing well.