This is going to be one of the most uncomfortable posts I've ever started to write.

So there is this stereotype that girls are really concerned about how the look and their weight and all that shit...but that actually applies to me. It's always been there but its been recently it's been worse because I've been looking back on old facebook pictures and I look less...round? Look I know I'm not a fat or whatever and I know its insanely typical for people to put on weight post highschool especially when you played sports but its been driving me mad. I wanna look that way again and I don't. I know I drink too much and don't work out as much as I used to (I do work out still) but I mean I still like hate looking at myself sometime. That sounds so insanely dramatic but I mean I'll work to look like that again if I can.  Honestly thought this is proof why facebook is the bane of our existence. Also this makes me sound like whiny pathetic bitch.

Side note...
I haven't smoked a cigarette  in almost a week and I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist or whatever the fuck you wanna call them.


Let's see what all this means.

I'm beginning to believe theres no point in blogging anymore. I say all the same shit. It looks pathetic. I'm just gonna wait till something new and worth while happens to write about.

When the new semester starts, so will counseling.

Okay,

I know this is all going to sound crazy but drunk me likes to talk myself. These we're things I said out loud to myself before I was going to go to bed:

Do you think you deserve it?

Yeah I mean sure. I'm just killing myself softly through this shit. I don't do drugs very often but when I do now I'm like fuck it who's gonna stop me hahahaha? 

Look, I know there is a big difference between sober me and drunk me...but drunk me always gets all my true feelings out. Honsetly that conversation with myself sounds way more dramatic than it actually is. I've just drank a handful times and do blow and just get upset with myself in the morning but no one really cares. I smoke cigarettes but not one cares. These are my self destructive materials rather than a razor. I don't like myself when I'm drunk. Like right now.

I just want some to help remind me again that I'm okay. That's all. I need help learning to love myself again. I know you're supposed to do that shit on your own but I can't anymore. I can't. I don't know. For fucks sake some one give me some kind of advice. Or a sign whatever. I hate being this alone.

Do me a favor,

Please, please, please, don't be afraid to talk to me. Ever. No matter how far apart we've drifted apart, or our history, or if we're in a relationship, just please believe that I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me. It's okay if we haven't talked in forever, if we haven't really had a real conversation in forever, it doesn't matter. If you need to talk, I will try my best to make it work. Chances are, I'd really like to talk to you too.


Just please, please, please, don't leave our conversation unfinished. It doesn't make me mad and you don't have to apologize for it, I just worry if you're alright. If you've found some one else to help you through whatever is upsetting you. Just let me know and I'll leave you be. Its totally okay. I won't be upset. Its not gonna offend me. I just wanna know if you're doing okay.

Loneliness hits everyone and it fucking sucks. So please, please, please, don't go through it alone. 

I know I rant about Kevin and Ricky and Joel on here a lot but the last two days with them have been incredibly fun. Obviously, I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I've been feeling extremely anti-social, tired, upset and just... bored. I've been sick of every one and didn't care to venture out of my home. It's comfortable like always and I risking going out of it meant risking putting up with people.


Kevin called me Sunday night during the Canuck hockey game. I looked at my phone as it rang and debated on answering for what felt like eternity. Fuck it, I thought and answered. He asked about what the score was and then informed that he'd be in town in about an hour and if I had any plans. I told him no and then he said he'd hit me up when he got back in to town and that he planned to hang with Ricky. 


I wait around by pacing around my kitchen, checking facebook, checking tumblr, checking twitter and just about anything else I could come up with to kill time. I think about how I ignored Ricky's call recently and was dreading that awkward moment where he would say something like, "Bro! I called and left you two voice mails where were you at?" I'd have to come up with some sort of "Oh I was doing music/tired/random family thing" that would sound like bullshit not matter how it came out.

Next thing I know I get call from Kevin that tells me to come to Ricky's and bring a little beer. I pack up and head out to meet to Kevin and head over to Rick's.

When we get there we are greeted by the always tall and goofy Rick with a smirk on his face saying, "Whats up bros?" in his neon colored tall tee wearing basketball shorts and sandals. We all kind of chuckle and do that awkward bro hand shake hug thing. 

The next 5 hours are followed by a few beers and constant laughter. Like they literally ALWAYS are. We give a each other shit, drink a little, chain smoke a little and laugh a lot. We flick each other shit, come up with some random show or movie we should film then giggle like middle school girls for hours.

Thats exactly how today was too. I hung out with them all day and all we did was laugh. We didn't even drink much and lately thats all I do to have fun. I think that says a lot about the kind of friendship I have with these kids. I mean I still and probably always will have that with them. As I drove home from Kevin's tonight I thought about how crazy it is that I still look up to them like older brothers. They know it and I know it. I mean I do every thing they think is cool. Yes, I think for myself but they still have that "older sibling affect" on me where if they do it then I have to. I know listen to NPR because of them. Last night Kevin and Ricky talked about these stories they herd on NPR and immediately in my head I'm like, shit I gotta listen to NPR. I turned it on while I was driving to school today. Its funny how they've managed to maintain that affect on me. They don't even meant to but I still look to them like that. I probably need it.

Anyways, it's nice that these two days were this good. I needed it. I'm sure the boost will last me a while. Plus Morrie comes home on the 10th and I couldn't be more excited for that. I'm going to make this good mood last.

There is a lot of loneliness. With that comes the sadness. Along with that comes the self reflection. Followed by that will come cigarettes and maybe a drink.

The night before Thanksgiving...I got rather intoxicated. While every one went to sleep I decided to blog. I blogged about Katie. How happy I thought I was then. Then I actually started crying. That is the second time in my life I was drunk and literally crying. I've been drunk and upset but don't normally get drunk and cry. I thought it was because of Katie that night. In the morning that wasn't why. When I started dating Katie I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew eventually we were going to become too different for it to work. I can't change her and I didn't want to.

I was crying because for the first time in my life I have no connections to anyone anymore. I'm alone. See normally, I'm used to being able to say everything to some one. To talk about my family to. To act like an idiot around. For some one reason its never really been my style to be like that with Josh or Neb. I mean we're so close you think we would. Sure I act all goofy like best friends do but theres somethings I just don't talk to them about. I don't really want to. Thats just how it is.

My mom kind of pointed out to me during this whole week that I don't like to leave home. She's right. I'm comfortable here. I do want to break out don't get me wrong. Its not like I plan on being stuck here my whole life. I just am not ready. Neb keeps pressuring me to move out with him and I don't know how to tell him I'm not ready. At the same time it might be less lonely.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for being home all the time. I'm home a lot. I don't have a job right now and I just go work out, go to school twice a week and come home. I seldom call Neb or Kyle. The only person I could have around is Josh. I don't know why but maybe its because we understand each other better than Neb and I do. I think I'm happy here most the time I do...I just don't really know where am at with my self lately.

At night time before I sleep I become my own therapist. I ask myself questions in my head, answer them and continue to search for understanding of my own mind. I think of childhood memories, past relationships, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've herd and come up with nothing. As far back as I can remember I've always been sad about something. Even when I was younger.

I remember on the Thursday night a couple weeks ago, when I got drunk and cried to my Mom, telling her I felt like something was wrong with me, she said, "Austin, you've always been my sensitive child. You always have." She's right, I always have.