I've discovered somethings I actually miss about home:

1. My loud ass speakers and sub to mix with.

2. My desktop computer to producer on (its just soooo much fucking easier than a laptop).

3. My piano.

I've been listening to a lot of classical piano and movie score music lately so thats making me miss my piano real bad. Its been my new obsession. Whenever I listen to it I swear to god it changes my whole though process. It puts me in such a different place I can't even describe. I start seeing the music. I imagine scenes in my head where the music might be taking place. Its a whole new way to imagine things.

I love music

A strange thought dawned on me tonight. I was watching The Town and at the end of the movie Ben Affleck says something about he's leaving Charleston for the first time. It got me thinking about moving and what its like to be new in town. For some reason I got this idea in my head that I've always been the new kid. I still remember how badly the move from Washington tore me apart. That sounds dramatic but I was young and I didn't wanna go. I didn't understand why I had to leave my friends. I remember trying to make new friends. Trying to figure out who I actually wanted to be friends with and who was some one I just wanted hang out with because I was lonely.

The last couple of years in Oregon felt like home to me. Finally. I no longer had to listen to people talk about things in Oregon that I knew nothing about. I didn't have to keep telling stories about "my old friends in Washington". I mean I don't want to forget but it was nice to actually feel connected to my surroundings for once. I had missed that. Its funny how we tend to crave a sense of belonging.

Now I'm in Vegas. I have a new set of "old friends in Oregon." It caught me off guard because I said that a lot tonight. I talked about Josh, Neb and Meesh and all the dumb shit we did. How we always had so much fun together. I then realized I'm not going back there. I'm not. I don't plan on it. Theres nothing there for me anymore. I mean besides my family. Sure I have friends there.... but I left at a really weird time in their lives. I guess my life wasn't all that normal either. I mean fuck I was miserable there. The drugs, the girl problems and the stupid jobs. I'm sure I make it sound a bit dramatic but I felt like I was caught in this fucking shit storm. Apparently I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I am trying to let go though, really I am.

I am the new kid once again. I listen to new faces laugh and reflect on childhood memories. I smile and tell them how funny that must have been. And I patiently await, to feel at home.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Buckle. I'm pretty excited! I hope I get the job. If I do I'm gonna take some acting classes. Yes. Acting classes. Its kind of something I've always wanted to do. I think I could be good at too. And since I moved out here, why the fuck not just go for it. I have nothing to lose. I found website that shows you parts that you can apply for. So like....why not try it. I feel ambitious. So fuck it. I'm gonna do what I want.

I can't wait for my moment. Its gonna come and I know it. I can feel it. If I keep doing what I'm doing and work hard. Its bound to happen. I've been following my heart my whole life. I've been doing what I love and nothing else. I don't have one of those stories where every one around me doubts me. Tells me to think logically. Instead its filled with people supporting me. How many stories have you herd of that have that? Every one that I've shared my passion with has believed in me since day one. They know I can do it. Most importantly I know I can too. I will. I don't think anyone feels music like I do. I understands why I love it like I do. So I'm gonna show them. I'll show them how beautiful it all really is. It hits me harder than anything else ever could. I'm gonna be one top of the world one day. I'm gonna look back, smile and thank every one for believing in me. I can't wait for that moment.

For the first time in my life I'm not talking to some one. And I mean talking to some one constantly. No texting all day, no phone calls and no facebook messages. As far back as I can remember I've always had some one to talk to. All of them were love interests. I don't know if its a bad thing but I've grown to realize how much I love talking to people. I miss having some one to do that with. Some one I can just randomly say shit to. I love having random conversation. If something pops into my head I love to be able to just turn and say it to some one. I could talk for days. I have some many things I want to say. So many things I want to tell some one that it overwhelms my brain to the point where no words are even form able. I think too fast for my own good. Its like I have 30 million fucking ideas going on at one time with no way of taking time organize them into sentences. The next thing I know I'm drowning in my own world babel. I can't even blog about what I really wanna blog about half the time because if it doesn't sound how I thought it in my brain, I delete. Nothing I actually write or say is actually what I'm thinking. Some of the time. Not all, but pretty fucking frequently.

Dealing with my mind all day is a pain, truly. I need to meet some one that makes it relaxed. Makes me relaxed. Reminds me to breath.

Well what I really should say is I need to meet a person like that again and not fuck it up this time.

And I won't.

You're already dating some one. Its selfish, but I hate seeing that.

You know that.

I didn't expect it to happen this fast. Its only been 3 weeks. I'm still stuck thinking I'm only one you should be with.

I know you feel that way too.

I hope he makes you happy. I really mean that. If he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you.

You know that.

The first day I saw your stupid facebook relationship status change I texted you. You didn't say anything about it.

You knew I already saw it.

You told me that if one us started dating we shouldn't talk anymore. So far, its all going according to plan. I really hate it.

I hope you know that.

Jon asks why I don't have sex with girls all the time. I stop to think about it and all I can come up with is, "I don't know. I just want it to be personal I think. I don't want to just fuck some one to fuck some one. Like I get how that can be okay from time to time but that just isn't how I am."

He nods and says something like, "Yeah, but its so nice. Sex isn't personal for me. Its been mankind's primal instinct to have sex. Our society now is what made love relative to sex."

"Yeah I get that but I don't know, I just don't want to have sex with drunk girls all the time. I don't want that to be like the only time I have sex you know?"

"You don't have to be drunk to just have sex with girls. I do it sober too," he says.

I pause to think then say, "I get that... I'm just not attracted to that kind of a girl. If girl wants to fuck me the first time she meets me sober, then I don't want to fuck her."

He asks, "Are you afraid or something?"

"No I'm not afraid," I say, "I just... I don't know. My sexual experiences haven't been like yours. I was an asshole to girls. The only two times I actually had sex was when I was drunk. Both girls already had liked me and the next day they both wanted to hang out and get to know me. Like, they actually liked me. It wasn't just some drunk fuck. Alcohol was the reason it happened. So I just blew them off. Then the fucking third time it almost happened was with my ex. She still had feelings for me and right when it was about to happen I got up and told her I couldn't do that to her. She cried and I left her there. I walked out."

"Well, what if it was mutual between the two of you? Would you?"

"No. I don't want that kind of girl," I reply.

"I think I just do it because I hate being alone," he starts, "like I hate it if there isn't a girl laying next to me."

"Don't you want that girl to be the same girl?"

This throws him off a little. He stops and thinks for a moment then says, " Yeah it could be but I don't know."

I ask, "How many girls are you even up to now?"

"I'm really not sure anymore actually," he says with a shameful laugh.

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Not really."

"I mean, I guess theres nothing wrong with casual sex but I'm just not that person thats gonna have it with multiple people. I don't think I am afraid to have it... I just wanna have it with the same person. Some one I do care about. I don't want meaningless sex. I don't know," I say.

"Dude girls here like the kind of girls that just wanna fuck. They don't typically like 'nice guys' like that. They like guys that are kind of dicks to them," he replies.

"Well I'm sure its gonna be hard for me to find a girl that isn't like that," I start, " I mean I know my current social network is a bunch of college kids who are just down to party. I know I'm kind of looking for a girl thats opposite of that. Maybe I won't find her in our current social circle. I'm just not gonna look then. I'll let her just come to me."

Ironically, today was the first day I felt lonely in a long time.