Drunk, angry, upset, frustrated, lonely - those are my thoughts most of the time.

My sister got in another fight with Devin. I'm not surprised they fought the whole time I lived in Vegas. She called the house phone at 1 this morning. I answered and talked to her for a bit. Devin apparently broke up with her and Paige got mad because he wasn't listening to her and she punched and broke his window. They were both drunk. I know Paige can be impulsive and upset at times...but I really don't like Devin. I know he means well but them two together really makes me not like him. They don't work well. They just fight each other. And I love my sister and want whats best for her so I just really wish she wouldn't date him in anymore because they always get upset and fight. Its not a healthy relationship. And I hate watching her with him. I really do. She says she loves him...and I mean what can I say? I still just strongly feel that no matter how much you love some one your fights won't end up this bad. With violence and throwing belongings in the street. I mean that didn't happen tonight but it has happened before. None of it is healthy. I swear. Shes gonna call me tomorrow. I'll talk to her then I suppose.

I read pretty much my whole blog and have realized I am apparently the most inconsistent person ever. I don't even know how to explain like my feelings go every where all of the time. Is that normal? I know I'm always questioning if I'm sane or not but I mean as I was re-reading some of what I wrote my feelings change so much about the same topic. And I constantly have my hopes up for things and it goes well for a while then I figure out I don't actually like it. Which leads me to wondering what I do even like. I loved Oregon. Then hated Oregon. I loved Vegas. Then hated Vegas. Now I'm back in Oregon and love it. At some point am I gonna hate Oregon? I feel like I probably have problems making decisions. Not probably, more like clearly I have problems making decisions. I apparently have a hard time tapping in to what I'm okay with and what I'm not. How do you figure yourself out? Maybe its not through some one else. I know I'm still just as lonely here right now as I was in Vegas. And that I clearly left Vegas not because I wanted to go there for my benefit but because I felt like I needed to leave people here. Katie, Josh and Neb.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't. I'm trying to think it through but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to even be thinking through. Or what answer I'm looking for. I'm constantly contradicting myself. How long have I been doing that? I feel like I've been doing that for a while.

Also after re-reading I realized I am a selfish person. I mean not terribly and I don't know how much I am now but at least I was before I left Vegas. I'm still trying to even figure out how much I've changed since then. Or if it even matters.

I miss Katie. Thats that. Thats all. Whatever I do. Being back home has made me miss her. Whatever. Fuck it its on the table. Out in the open. Nothings gonna happen with her and I - I know that. I just wanted to say it.

I feel like I need a fucking therapist or something fuck. Or this is just completely normal for 19 year old boy who just moved back home after 6 months of drinking. I don't even know why I'm saying 6 months I still drink a lot. I mean definitely not as much there but I still drink.

I'm normal right? Like this all normal right?

I'm fucking frustrated. I don't even know if thats half of it. I get an email from the advisor for PCC today about the music program I'm trying to take it and just says this:
"Hi, Austin: We have reached the end of our advising schedule. Most of our classes are full. Students who want to start the program generally see me in the spring for advising. In many cases, they need to take intro classes that we offer over the summer term. We start classes in three weeks, but most of our students have laid the groundwork and done their advising and scheduling much earlier. There may be some room in some of our course, but most of the core classes have filled."

I'm tired of being so fucking indecisive all the time. Its really delaying out my life. For some reason I moved to Vegas and then moved back because I couldn't make up mind. Now that I'm here again I have to start all over again with getting my name out its starting to get frustrating. Right when I was ready to go to fucking school and actually start doing something I run into this shit. Great. It might take another fucking year for me to go to school. Fucking really? I need to take those intro classes I know I do I don't wanna fuck up because I didn't take them. Tt just fucking sucks they aren't available all the time. I can't sit around like this for another year and feel like I'm doing shit. I'm just constantly stuck right where I started. I need to move forward and I am really trying I am. I just don't know why I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what to do I'm doing everything I fucking can I'm going god damn insane.

fuck