Things with Hayleigh went to a screeching halt a while back. Basically as soon as my mom told me that she didn't like her. I didn't either. I really didn't when I thought about it. I don't know what it was about her I did like really. She was new. That was exciting for a while. Then she turned all negative. She had nothing good to say about anything. And I know she is in a bit of a rough patch with her life - I understand that I do but she didn't have anything good to say about any one. Or anything. She's never trying to help herself either. She won't quit smoking weed because she's stressed about her job yet so I said why wouldn't you quit smoking to find a new better one and she just went with, "There's no way." I mean this girl I some times felt like wouldn't even listen to me talk. Shit was always about her. Anyways, I don't wanna keep dwelling on whatever her and were and her shit because I'm passed all that and don't want to deal with her again so whatever.

I'm staying in Portland. I applied to PCC for their music program. So I will be living at home for a while and just going to school. The whole time I've been home my mom was constantly asking me when I wanted to go back to Vegas and I would just kind blow off the question and say soon, soon, except I didn't really mean it. I didn't wanna go back. I didn't really like Vegas. I'm not sure why I moved there. I mean I'm sure if I read back in my blog I can tell you exactly why. Vegas was basically the whole entire reason I started this damn thing. I can't help but feel kind of bad that I'm not returning. A lot of people liked me down there and I feel like leaving will let them down. I know its stupid to feel that way but thats just how I think. I'm working on making decisions based on my own behalf rather other's. Which will be yet another first for me. Also this decision to go to PCC was a first for me considering I've been blowing off an decision making over the past year. But hey I consider myself a work in progress and am taking it all one step at a time as slow as possible but at least I'm starting to be stepping forward with my life.

I do like being home. I'm more focused on music here. Which is good. I have my own little studio (which is actually one of my old rooms at the end of the house) which is awesome because I can be as loud as I want. So hopefully a lot productivity will take place here as well.

I saw Katie for the first time about ago. We got coffee and it was pretty nice. Got caught up and talked about old times and what not. We admitted that we missed hanging out with each other because we both used to just sit and talk about how we didn't wanna deal with any one because they were annoying. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

After coffee she came over to my house to hang out. Asked me what I was gonna do with Vegas and what not. I ended up explaining to her about how I didn't know (surprise) and how I wasn't exactly happy there. I bitched about the rave scene there and what not. She ended up sitting me down listening to me talk about it and wrote down everything I said and made this like T Chart thing about the pros and cons of Vegas and Portland and it actually helped me reach my decision. Because I had literally avoided all thinking about all of that kind of shit. So it was nice...and typical Katie to do that kind of thing.


Its gonna be interesting being back here again. So here it goes.

So, a couple days ago my parents purchased me Logic Pro. This is the $500 dollar software that they spent on me to produce music with. Its an incredibly supportive and I appreciate so much but now I'm scared. Now I have to make this work. With Josh and Neb telling me all the time that I need lock myself away and start writing writing writing, I feel like all this pressure pressure pressure is starting to fucking build up and its freaking me out. I need to be great. I need to produce good music. I don't want to let these people down. I'm freaked out that maybe I won't be good enough. I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure I do it I'm just scared now I don't know. I need to get this shit out of my head because once I start thinking I'm not good enough I don't want it to seep into my subconscious and me not knowingly give up on myself or some shit like that. I don't know if that is even possible it just have that idea in my head. I wanna be great. I will be great. I can be great. I am gonna produce awesome music and travel the world spin parties and no one will be let down.

I'm in the backyard stretching after my run when my mom starts talking to me about Hayleigh. She tells me how she felt Hayleigh disrespected her. She tells me how she felt Hayleigh doesn't like her. She tells me how she tried to be nice, tried to ignore her and tried to understand her approach. She tells how me she feels Hayleigh is too negative. She tells me how she's not impressed with Hayleigh smoking weed every day. She tells me how its so strange that she started out so nice and sweet and then something happened. She tells me how she feels Hayleigh just isn't happy. Then she says any girl is a tough act to follow after Katie.

I just nod. And say things like, "yeah" and "I know". I don't know what else to say. Theres nothing really to say. Hayleigh did start off so nice and then turned into this... negative person. I know she has a hard life. I really hard life. She's been living on her own since 16. She's raised her self. She works full time and goes to school full time. Her best friend is moving out on her. She has no where else to go now. By the end of the month she needs to find some one to live with. She can't go home. But the thing is...I don't see her doing anything about it.

After my mom said something about Katie I got stuck on thinking of her. I still I am which is probably why I'm writing this. I blew Katie off twice for coffee when I got home. I don't know why. Maybe I was scared to see her. Maybe I didn't want to. I don't know. I don't know. But after I met up with Alyssa for coffee she told me I need to go. So I apologized to Katie and told her whenever she gets back from her trip we should go.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm not as over it as I thought I was. Maybe I felt that way in Vegas because I wasn't home. I guess some times old feelings will creep up on you at the places they started from. I just keep playing my mom saying how Katie is a tough act to follow and she was the sweetest girl in the world. And she is, she truly is. Its hard to let something like that go when all your family and all your friends loved having her around. Thats always been a big deal to me. If my Mom and my friends don't like you then its not going to work. At all. I need them to love you like I will.

I'm currently ignoring Hayleigh. Trying to figure what I'm going to say. What I'm going to do about it. I still don't know. Running from it is only gonna make it work. I know this but I can't help myself. Every time my phone vibrates I'm hoping its not her. Which is pretty terrible at this point. I should known something was wrong when she fought with Neb.

Fuck it.

Does my mind think too fast for my own good? Am I really an anxious person? Why do I love everything dark and insane? What does it take to be insane? Am I insane? Why do I need to be talking to some one all the time? Why do I hate people so much? Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Why can't I ever relax? Am I causing my body harm? What do I really want?

I question I question I question I question and can't shut myself the fuck up.

I'm home now. I have been for two weeks or so. I'm moved out of Jon's and moved in with my sister. After I moved all my shit to the my house I left with my Dad and Sean back to Oregon. And here I am.

I'm trying to figure out how much I like Hayleigh. And what to think about the whole thing. I mean I like her because she makes me view things in a different light but I feel like she keeps things from me. I don't really know what else I'd expect this is the most we've ever hung out and I'm leaving at the end of the month so in a way its kinda like whats the point? She constantly reminds me to stop viewing shit in a negative light. It's weird because I'm normally the one telling people to look at everything positively. Hypocrites give the best advice anyway.

I don't wanna go back to Vegas. I don't like it there. Which is unfortunate considering that is the place where I am going to try to make my passion into a career. The people there just aren't like the people here. Most of them at least. Its hard to come by a legitimately good person. I just get drunk and forget people's names. Which I've made very apparent in past posts. All that will have to stop when I go back. I'm going to just sit and write music and not fucking talk to anyone. I will become the biggest fucking introvert possible. Which is terribley hard for me. I just really need to focus.

Las Vegas is lonely. Thats the other thing. Maybe I'm too picky with people I surround myself but I hate most of those kids. I mean I get along well with them but honestly they don't mean anything to me. Maybe its because I haven't given them a better shot but I just honestly... don't like them. Its probably because I miss home I don't know. Being back has made me realize that I don't belong anywhere else but the Pacific Northwest. I don't plan on living in Las Vegas longer than I have to. The second I can leave I will be gone.

I met up with Molli the other night while I was in Eugene at Tia's party. It was really really nice. I was bit on the drunk side but I remember it all very clearly. Its really nice knowing that after all the shit we've gone through she's still there. When I was in Vegas I would get drunk and call her. Very late at night. For a while I would drink with my friends down there and when they all left I would still be up and alone and upset. I had no one to talk to down there so I called Molli. She answered and would listen to me drunkly babel about god knows what. That's real friendship. That's a connection that won't ever fade. Whatever it is, no matter what happens, it won't go away. That's comfort.