This morning I woke up to a text from Sean he had apparently sent at 4:30 last night. It read, "Yo, I'm spinning at a Palms suite party...your name keeps coming up, in a good way. Big things are coming, man..." I smiled and let me head hit the pillow. Its all falling into place.

When I'm drunk and by myself stupid things happen.

I have become an introvert. I mean I've basically always been one but lately its been taken to new heights. My current social life consists of working, then going to my room drinking with the roomies or going to party then back to my room again. I don't really like any one anymore. I've started to prefer my own company way more than any one else's. People just annoy me now. I don't like them. I was out drinking on Friday with Paige, Devin and Tomasetti (who hopefully will be Paige and I's future roomie) and Tomasetti and Paige and I were having a drunken conversation about how we all 3 hate people so we're gonna work out great. And its that we hate people... I'm not really sure what it is. I mean I've always said I hate every one kind of meant it but I don't know. Maybe I do hate every one. Paige and I have always been picky when it comes to friends and if you're annoying to us you're probably gonna fucking know. Yet at the same time we're both overly friendly people. I love to talk to to people. I'm like one big contradiction. I love and hate every one. I don't even understand it. In the back of my mind all the time I just keep thinking about how I don't wanna deal with any one. Does my self-loathing and narcissism lead me to just hate every one?

I think I'm two people. The one in my head and the one out loud.

Today was the first day I legitimately wanted to be home in Oregon. I wanted to be back in my comfort zone with my safety net full of people. I know when I write on here I tend to dwell on the bad times the most (especially when I write about home)... I don't mean to but I guess this where I like to place my negativity while it hides behind all the smiling and laughing. Anyways what I'm trying to say is that my time in Oregon wasn't always as terrible as I seem to make it sound. I had an amazing group of friends there. They all loved me and cared for me. They would have done anything for me. I had a girlfriend that I was lucky enough to share my whole senior year with. That was pretty incredible. I had a best friend who lived 2 hours south of me who I shared an incredible amount of growing up with. It's not easy doing it alone. I learned the most from her, hands down. I don't know if anything will match up to all those experiences we shared. I had a Mom and Dad that I could hang out. I had a job that was the biggest joke but was always always entertaining. I had a brother that I fought and laughed with. I know I'm making it seem like all those things are gone - which I know they aren't - its just not sitting comfortably in my back pocket. I'm on my own which yes is a big scary thing but I mean I've learned a lot about who I am since I've been on this journey. It's hard. It is. To be alone but I feel its something people should do. If you're dependent on people all the time what do you really know about yourself? You don't push and test yourself in a comfort zone. You don't try knew things because you simply don't have to. Being on your own is bittersweet.

The thing I've been missing most lately is the sober moments. When I used to hang out with people like Josh, Neb, Meesh, Junk, Brad, Mike, Scotch, Chris, Joel, Pollman, Jordan and Nick we'd ALWAYS be laughing. At something. The craziest part was that we were sober. We were just weird as fuck and it was hilarious. The amount of inside jokes that are shared between all those people is endless. Everything was funny all the time. It was impossible to not have fun. Even when we were all bored together. We were laughing and it was simple.

Las Vegas isn't like that. We're good friends in all but we're always either getting drunk or out getting drunk. Sure we laugh about the drunk things we did last night but its not the same. While we're sober we kinda don't hang out with each other. We just do our own things. We don't really hang out together. I don't even know why its like this. Do we really know each other? I got to know Jon really well the first couple of months I lived here but something changed. Maybe it was school starting and me getting a job but now the only time we really kick it is when its the weekend and its time to drink. This was the first weekend I DIDN'T wanna drink. At all. I wanted to be mellow and relax. I didn't wanna shake hands with people and try to differentiate who I know and who I don't. I didn't wanna have awkward drunken conversations with some girl about god knows what. Honestly, I can't even tell you half of the kids name's I've met. I just wanted to lay in my bed and watch a movie. Or go see one. Or play video games until I'm delusional.

Las Vegas is a great city...but some times I really miss my laid back Portland. And every one that came with it.

So here's what I've really learned about the rave scene in Las Vegas. It sucks. It really does. Tonight was empty. I brought it hard though. What matters is that I killed it in front of all the other DJs and Promoters. What I've realized is that its going to be hard coming from the underground scene to the bar scene to the club scene. Its going to be extremely hard here. People here look at the underground scene like its a joke. But people like Sean and Chad have potential to change it. If they don't give up. They don't promote like the people in Portland do. I understand why it can be really hard to be passionate about the music here when only the 21+ crowd believes it. In my honest opinion you have to inspire the young people with it too. The problem with that is you get all 16 years old running around rolling balls and ODing like at EDC last year. Which is way everything is now going 18+. Which is going to help because people see the little highschoolers running around and don't wanna come. I really hope it helps.

Honestly its really hard to not be discouraged about this city some times. Maybe I shoulda stayed in Portland or moved to Seattle or California. At the same time I don't wanna think like that. I knew this was gonna be challenge and I'm going to persevere. I just wish every one could feel my passion for the music like I do.

I will make them.