It finally dawned on me. I'm exactly the way I am because I think my family is so crazy and dysfunctional. My parent's talk about Paige issues and Carter's issues and Dan's issues and Staci's issues with me all the time. Never mine. I've never wanted them to know I have any. I want them to be the perfect child that knows exactly what he is doing, is perfectly happy and alllll that bullshit. That is why I am who I am. That is why I'm starting therapy Friday. Irony isn't always funny.

New rule:

No more drinking alone.

This is going to be one of the most uncomfortable posts I've ever started to write.

So there is this stereotype that girls are really concerned about how the look and their weight and all that shit...but that actually applies to me. It's always been there but its been recently it's been worse because I've been looking back on old facebook pictures and I look less...round? Look I know I'm not a fat or whatever and I know its insanely typical for people to put on weight post highschool especially when you played sports but its been driving me mad. I wanna look that way again and I don't. I know I drink too much and don't work out as much as I used to (I do work out still) but I mean I still like hate looking at myself sometime. That sounds so insanely dramatic but I mean I'll work to look like that again if I can.  Honestly thought this is proof why facebook is the bane of our existence. Also this makes me sound like whiny pathetic bitch.

Side note...
I haven't smoked a cigarette  in almost a week and I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist or whatever the fuck you wanna call them.


Let's see what all this means.

I'm beginning to believe theres no point in blogging anymore. I say all the same shit. It looks pathetic. I'm just gonna wait till something new and worth while happens to write about.

When the new semester starts, so will counseling.

Okay,

I know this is all going to sound crazy but drunk me likes to talk myself. These we're things I said out loud to myself before I was going to go to bed:

Do you think you deserve it?

Yeah I mean sure. I'm just killing myself softly through this shit. I don't do drugs very often but when I do now I'm like fuck it who's gonna stop me hahahaha? 

Look, I know there is a big difference between sober me and drunk me...but drunk me always gets all my true feelings out. Honsetly that conversation with myself sounds way more dramatic than it actually is. I've just drank a handful times and do blow and just get upset with myself in the morning but no one really cares. I smoke cigarettes but not one cares. These are my self destructive materials rather than a razor. I don't like myself when I'm drunk. Like right now.

I just want some to help remind me again that I'm okay. That's all. I need help learning to love myself again. I know you're supposed to do that shit on your own but I can't anymore. I can't. I don't know. For fucks sake some one give me some kind of advice. Or a sign whatever. I hate being this alone.

Do me a favor,

Please, please, please, don't be afraid to talk to me. Ever. No matter how far apart we've drifted apart, or our history, or if we're in a relationship, just please believe that I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me. It's okay if we haven't talked in forever, if we haven't really had a real conversation in forever, it doesn't matter. If you need to talk, I will try my best to make it work. Chances are, I'd really like to talk to you too.


Just please, please, please, don't leave our conversation unfinished. It doesn't make me mad and you don't have to apologize for it, I just worry if you're alright. If you've found some one else to help you through whatever is upsetting you. Just let me know and I'll leave you be. Its totally okay. I won't be upset. Its not gonna offend me. I just wanna know if you're doing okay.

Loneliness hits everyone and it fucking sucks. So please, please, please, don't go through it alone.