Does my mind think too fast for my own good? Am I really an anxious person? Why do I love everything dark and insane? What does it take to be insane? Am I insane? Why do I need to be talking to some one all the time? Why do I hate people so much? Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Why can't I ever relax? Am I causing my body harm? What do I really want?

I question I question I question I question and can't shut myself the fuck up.

I'm home now. I have been for two weeks or so. I'm moved out of Jon's and moved in with my sister. After I moved all my shit to the my house I left with my Dad and Sean back to Oregon. And here I am.

I'm trying to figure out how much I like Hayleigh. And what to think about the whole thing. I mean I like her because she makes me view things in a different light but I feel like she keeps things from me. I don't really know what else I'd expect this is the most we've ever hung out and I'm leaving at the end of the month so in a way its kinda like whats the point? She constantly reminds me to stop viewing shit in a negative light. It's weird because I'm normally the one telling people to look at everything positively. Hypocrites give the best advice anyway.

I don't wanna go back to Vegas. I don't like it there. Which is unfortunate considering that is the place where I am going to try to make my passion into a career. The people there just aren't like the people here. Most of them at least. Its hard to come by a legitimately good person. I just get drunk and forget people's names. Which I've made very apparent in past posts. All that will have to stop when I go back. I'm going to just sit and write music and not fucking talk to anyone. I will become the biggest fucking introvert possible. Which is terribley hard for me. I just really need to focus.

Las Vegas is lonely. Thats the other thing. Maybe I'm too picky with people I surround myself but I hate most of those kids. I mean I get along well with them but honestly they don't mean anything to me. Maybe its because I haven't given them a better shot but I just honestly... don't like them. Its probably because I miss home I don't know. Being back has made me realize that I don't belong anywhere else but the Pacific Northwest. I don't plan on living in Las Vegas longer than I have to. The second I can leave I will be gone.

I met up with Molli the other night while I was in Eugene at Tia's party. It was really really nice. I was bit on the drunk side but I remember it all very clearly. Its really nice knowing that after all the shit we've gone through she's still there. When I was in Vegas I would get drunk and call her. Very late at night. For a while I would drink with my friends down there and when they all left I would still be up and alone and upset. I had no one to talk to down there so I called Molli. She answered and would listen to me drunkly babel about god knows what. That's real friendship. That's a connection that won't ever fade. Whatever it is, no matter what happens, it won't go away. That's comfort.

Hayleigh Bailey. I met her when I spun the party in Santa Clara for Morrie's frat. I remember talking to her that whole weekend. We hung out the whole time and talked and talked and talked. A month and some days later we're still talking every day. She came down to Vegas from Portland for EDC weekend. I spent the last 2 days of EDC and the day after with her. That whole weekend was an incredible. To go through and experience all that with some one was every thing I dreamed. Kissing her during the big build ups, talking about who had the sickest set and falling asleep together after a long a long night. It was a dream.

What freaked me out is in March I wrote this thing on here about how I wanted to meet some one that was passionate about the music I am. Thats not just in it for the drugs. Yes we both rolled at EDC for 2 of the days but we weren't just rolling because we wanted to get fucked up. And I know I've said I don't need them to enjoy them but I decided with that weekend it felt special. Especially when you're doing it with some you like. Regardless, she knows the music. I can talk to her about sets and tell her all this songs with sick drops and she'll tell me some too. I fucking love that. I fucking it. She's so supportive about it. She's even trying to get me a show when I come back to Portland. When I'm home I plan on spending way more time with her.

I don't know where this whole thing is going to lead. A long distance relationship? I don't know. I'm not gonna over think it like normal. I'm just going to go for it one step at a time. Besides, it feels right.

I don't fucking know what I want to do. I just need everything to go one step at a time. Apparently I'm passed that.

One of the nights before the big Mansion party, I spun at a small little grad party with Josh. We booked it on accident thinking it was something completely opposite. We were skeptical at first but the night turned out to be a real good time. We actually ended up spinning a lot of old school hip hop for the adults and talked to them a lot. Anyways twords the end of the night after we were done spinning we hung around for a while to eat, drink and socialize a little. I ended up having a drunken talk (he was drunk I was sober) with the girl's Dad that we were spinning for. He came up to me and started to tell me about how he once had a music career and watched it build up and fall apart because mistakes he made. He claimed to be on top and then next he knew ended up in jail where he proceed to get straight run a couple of successful trucking business that just like any business was up and down. During this talk there was a point where he stopped looked me in the eyes and said, "I can see it in your eyes. You love this. The minute you walked in with your cases and gear I could tell. You're eyes show all your ambition and all your dedication. You're hungry for this. You don't give a fuck about us here, lets be honest, we're gonna pay you and you're not gonna give a fuck about us. And thats okay because you a give a fuck about what you're doing. Remember where you come from, I know you do now but its easy to let slip away. So don't."

In a way, he was right. When it came to little shit like this I could give a fuck less about what people really wanna hear. I wanna play what I love. Not to be a dick about it but its just my passion and I want you to love it as much as I do.

So I agreed with him. I ended up telling him that because of this conversation I gave a fuck about him and what he said to me. I told him I will never forgot where I came from.

He paid us and we left.

Last night I did coke.

I was talking with Able for a while about producing and DJing and how I think him and every one else involved in Frequency was doing a good job bringing in good artists and what not. While we were talking some one came up to him and gave him a little zippybag of coke and he asked if I wanted a bump. I was drunk so I said sure. We walk to the back and he dips his key into the bag and holds the key to my nose. I sniff. We walked back out and we kept chatting. Then suddenly I felt so good and my drunkness kinda disappeared. When I started to come down off of it all I could think about was how badly I wanted to do it again. I felt so good and I was like shit I'd do that again. Quick and easy. It fucking scared me.

When I got home at 9:30 I went straight to bed. I had a really good time spinning and meeting a bunch of new people at the party last night I just couldn't believe I did that. I felt bad. I don't wanna be that guy thats name is suddenly associated with he does coke. I didn't really even do that much but it was a taste. And it was enough.

Before I left for Las Vegas my old lacrosse coach said to me, "Don't get lost in the party."This took place at his office on the my last of day working for him. I laughed it off and assured him that it won't happen.

Roughly 6 months later I realized how easy it is to slip off course and get distracted here. Yes, I've made a lot of progress in DJing. However I've made little progress in producing. Which is killing me. For some reason my inspiration has left me. Every time now I try to sit and get something written I get frustrated and angry and leave. Everything I write I hate. Other people's music is still inspiring me to write its just mine isn't inspiring me to continue. I don't if its because we party so much that some days I can't deal with it or if its because I need a new source of inspiration. This why I'm stoked to come home in July. I want to clear my head and get shit done. Then in late July when I can finally move in to my new house I want to have my keyboard and I want to continue learning the piano. I need something to further myself. I need to find my niche in the producing world. I'm constantly stressing out because Josh and every one around me is telling me to produce produce produce. I'm starting to play out more so I need to produce to go with it.

I have to make everything come together.