Not everyone is gonna change, it sucks but its the truth

It had been 2 days since I'd herd from Josh. When he finally called me today I didn't really have too much to say. I was still upset and he knew it. I realize this sounds a bit dramatic considering I'm with the kid every day but when you go from being with Josh 2 days straight and then not hear from him at all, its a bit strange. Especially with how Saturday night went.

My sister came home for Thanksgiving and was staying till Sunday so naturally we had a little party with her friends and mine before she left. Basically that night was some what of a blur but I do remember Josh being pretty drunk. We all are were. Since we were having a party at my house my parents were hanging around drinking as well and they had taken every ones keys. Basically at some point in the night - I don't really remember when - Josh decided to leave. He apparently had driven up to this other party out on the back roads where I'm sure he drank more. While he was there I got a call from Alyssa saying that Josh was drunk as fuck and had just left Chris'.  After that he then left and apparently drove to my friend Jordana's house. I remember getting a text around 2:30 or so from Tavia telling me I need to "watch out for Josh" or something a long those lines. He apparently was too drunk to stand so they had to help him into Jordana's. Then later they drove him home.  

Waking up to this in the morning I was pissed. This was not the first time Josh has driven intoxicated.  He always drives fucking drunk or high or whatever. I've told the fucking kid many times that its not fucking cool at all and that he's a dumbass. I seem to have that conversation a lot with him. Whether its about his coke binges, the amounts he smokes or him driving drunk, they are always popping up. So I can't help but ask myself, what its gonna take? Does he need to get in a fucking car wreck? Does he need to get caught by the cops? At this point that seems like the only thing. I know he doesn't have the greatest family life with is Dad always gone, his Mom too tired of raising kids and his extremely successful older siblings he feels he has to compete with. I know its a lot of stress and not a lot of direction with him but I can't handle it. I hate seeing my best friend with all these issues and me trying to fix it. So far it hasn't worked and it probably never will. I just don't wanna know what its gonna take for him to finally figure it out. Hopefully nothing too extreme.

Anyways, when I finally got a call from him he informed me that he had been baking weed edibles with Wes all day and that he was gonna stop by on his way home. Being Josh he offered me a cookie and being myself I said no. When he showed up I didn't say much. I asked about Wes'. He asked (again) why I don't smoke anymore. I told him (again) that I don't because I'm over it and that I think I have better things to do. He tries again to convince me other wise.  When I finally bring up Saturday it doesn't go over well. He said the same shit he always says,"Oh yeah bro, I was so fucked up, I'm so mad I drove. Like seriously I don't even wanna talk about it so many people said shit to me." I just nodded and said, " Yeah dude you gotta stop doing that shit man."

At this point, I can't help but feel like I've lost the kid.

I'm not gonna lie, for once

I'm not gonna lie, I always read her blog. All the time. A lot more than she thought. It kinda helped me understand her more than I thought I already had. So when I started reading tonight I couldn't stop. I was trying catch up on whats had been going on with her and what I had been missing. So I started reading and just kept reading. Before I knew it I hit September, August and the July. Then my stomach dropped. Its been so long since I've had a conversation about what happened between Molli, Katie and myself. Yet there it was, right in front of my face. It was everything Molli had gone through while I was trying to get back with Katie. It...made me sad. Really sad. I some how failed to realize what I was to her. I mean I knew what I was, but I didn't value it. I didn't try as hard as she did. Reading about how she hated me for a while and all this stuff made me feel low. Not shit. Just low. The whole situation was low of me. All of it.

For like 2 months I had been trying to deal and explain to them why I had been doing what I was doing. Most of it was to Katie because I wanted her back. Then it all suddenly stopped. I mean I know I was the reason it stopped but it still just stopped. And yeah things are betterish now but I still...I'm still not okay from it all. Which honestly should be the least of my worries because...quite frankly, I shouldn't. I don't feel like I really deserve to be.

But for how long? Sure I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling like the asshole but I mean...I am that asshole. I was an asshole and I still am. For some reason I still can't even wrap my brain around the fact that two of them still care about me, still wish me well and still like wanna be able to talk. Yeah I talk to Katie more than Molli but still...they were both supposed to say "fuck you" and leave. They didn't. Which is why my head is still a mess. Its honestly like...if the two of them don't hate me I won't allow myself to be okay and to move on. I don't know how to. I don't feel like I get to. Maybe when I move to Vegas it'll change. I'm banking on it.

I miss them both. I do want them both to be happy but I miss them both. A lot. I remember thinking while all the shit was going down that maybe one of them would end up with me and it'd be okay. Then I lost them both. Which for some reason I didn't see coming. I know, I know, that sounds completely fucking ridiculous after what happened, believe me, I know, but I did think that. It was selfish. Really selfish. Its better for them that neither of them did. And for me.

When I first told Molli that we weren't ever gonna be together and we couldn't talk anymore, she would send me texts trying to figure out why why why we never were going to be together. She would try to convince me that we could and tell me that I didn't try and it could work (which yes, I know it could of worked. I know.) and that I was just making excuses (which yeah I was). I didn't really realize how she felt and why she was saying all that. I mean I was... I don't wanna say her everything (she's way stronger than that. She needed me but she is so so so strong) but for fucks sake we had been talking since I was fucking 13 thats a lot a lot a lot of fucking time to get to know some one. So yeah we were close to say the least and I was suddenly just shutting off all communication. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't understand how she felt literally pouring her whole heart out and hoping for it to be scooped back up. I didn't understand that until I found myself doing the exact same thing to Katie. And Katie telling me no. Except, Katie was nicer to me than I was to Molli. She still wanted to be friends. But when she told me we'd never be together again that was the worst feeling I'd ever felt. And Molli I'm sorry...for making you have to pour your heart out like that and have it denied. I am. Thats a terrible terrible terrible feeling.

They both tell me it'll get better. Still. I do believe them. I just miss them.

The First One

So here we are. The first post.  Like a proper gentleman, I will now begin to introduce myself.  

I'm 18. My life is about start changing at an incredibly fast rate. I am going to be a DJ and Music Producer. I like to swear. I contradict myself a lot. I'm a hypocrite. I say "like" a lot. My grammar is terrible. My conventions are terrible. But I figured if I tried to write like we were taught in school, I don't think you'd get an accurate idea of who I really am. And since this is my blog and it's not getting graded, all forms of grammar, conventions and any other writing traits I'm currently forgetting about can go fuck themselves. Oh, I also tend go on a lot of tangents and have lots of "ADD" moments so bare with me. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.

As I'm writing all this I can't help but ask myself what I'm doing. Like why the fuck would some one even read this the first place? First off, I don't think any one will and secondly, it'd probably just be a waste of their time. Of course I think I'm interesting but don't they have something better to do? Don't I have something better to do? Well sadly I don't but maybe they do. Assuming the person reading this (if any one does read this) is a rather productive person. Some one that maybe goes to school, studies, works and has a life outside of  constant status updates and pictures of last weekends parties. 

Then again, having some one read this might not be the point of blogging at all. It might just be a way for me to get my scattered thoughts out of my head. It could be a healthy way for me to vent without sounding like a fucking crazy person to my closest friends. Its probably healthier for them too because then they don't have to listen to all the bizarre dumb shit that goes through my head 24 hours a day. Which ultimately could drive them insane. So they should thank me. Fuckers. 

But maybe I do want some one to read it. A friend, an internet lurker, a celebrity, a politician, your mom (lol),  anyone. Anyone. Because lets be honest here, don't we all want some one to get know us? Of course we do. What will it really show if they do read it? Probably nothing. Are we all just as interesting as we think we are? Well, yes. I'm interesting. You're interesting. We know that. But do you really care? If some one really does read this, could it mean that they actually kind of give a fuck about what I'm thinking? Yes and no. Will it create some kind of connection between me and the reader? Honestly, I hope so. We all want a connection. If my words create some kind of emotional connection between the two of us it'll honestly make me happy.  However lets not forget, this all might be for my sanity. 

Well whatever this is, who knows what it'll turn into. I'll probably forget about it. Then come back and write in it again. Then forget about it. Then write in it again. And so on and so fourth until blogging turns into a thing of the past and every one forgets about it. Until then, time will only tell.