I am ashamed of this whole weekend. I made stupid decisions and I am so ashamed, disappointed and disgusted with myself. This is not the person I was supposed to become. Fuck, I am not that person, I shouldn't even word it like that. Either way I still feel dreadful about it.


It started Saturday night. I'll be completely honest, I knew what was going to happen that night before it did. I felt okay with it because every once in a while I don't mind it. Basically, I ended up doing a couple of key bumps at a rave and drinking a little. I mean, it's not exactly anything to proud of, anytime coke is involved I'm always shameful, but again, I knew what I was getting in to so theres no justification.

The next night I went to Eugene with Neb and Kevin L. I was planning on just going to kick it Kevin S's all night but things changed. See, before I went down Kevin informed me he had a workshop to do the next day but he didn't care. We still got rather drunk off of whiskey, sang songs, and laughed together. In the middle of this I texted Josh to come get me because for some reason in my drunk mind I felt I should let Kevin go to bed and I felt things were winding down.

By the time Josh calls me I'm very very drunk and he's outside in his car with his friend Chris. Next thing I remember we're outside of a 7-11 while Josh grabs beer. After that I kind of remember seeing Geoff, Angie, Eric, and Addie, as we take shots of something and I drink more. Suddenly, Ren is over with two strange people I've never seen before. The only people left awake are Josh, Chris, Eric (maybe) and Geoff. Maybe some more, I can't really remember. All I remember is, I'm leaned over a table, trying snort a line through a straw and these two strange people are laughing at me because I'm so drunk I'm blowing mostly out instead of in. Apparently I finally get it and shit moves on. I then remember Ren's weird friends leaving and Geoff, Josh, Ren, Chris and I still blowing lines doing stupid shit. It had to be about 3 AM at this point. Geoff and Ren both disappear and then it's just me Chris and Josh. Ren leaves us with this shit called "Sunshine" (which I later find out its MDMA shit mixed with either methadone or mephadrone [mephadrone is basically plant fertilizer]. Chris and I do a line of the sunshine and Josh sticks with coke. I'm still pretty blurry on this whole thing but I kind of remember going outside and smoking cigs like mad with Josh and Geoff the whole night while we're bumping.


This is the most clear to me. Josh is sitting in chair with glasses on. Chris and I have been chatting all night and Josh is just listening. Josh then goes to bed after informing us on how coked out he was. Chris and I continue to talk. I do one more line of Sunshine just as Neb and Kevin L roll into Josh's and explains we have to go. I say good bye to Chris, say thanks for the good chat and leave with them.


I starting coming down right as we get into Wilsonville. This is around 11-1230 I can't really remember. I gain full grasp of how fucked up I've been and inform my mom I'm going to sleep. This comes as no surprise to her considering I've always came home from Eugene hung over and tired.

And then the two worst days of come down I have ever experience kick in.

Sunday, I slept all day. I kind of ate, kind of hung out with my family but mostly I slept. During my attempts at sleep my heart anxiety was through the fucking roof. My heart was beating faster than normal and I definitely noticed it. If Josh and Neb hadn't calmed me down, I was literally planning on telling my parents about this stupid fucking mistake of a Saturday night I had just had, and to take me to the hospital. I refrained. I finally slept that whole night through some how.

Then comes Monday morning. I felt like I had a fever and severe depression. I didn't go to my one class at 6 o'clock I just laid around all day watching Scrubs, going through weird hot flashes and feeling like insane shit. My parents just thought I was recovering from my weekend, I guess I was. I started to feel better later that night but I was still exhausted and went to bed early. The heart anxiety kicked in again and an irrational fear of dying in my sleep kicked in, I decided to text Josh and ask if I should inform my parents of my condition and go to a hospital. He again told me to that would be a terrible idea and I just need to fucking relax. Point was taken and eventually I feel asleep.

I woke up this morning still feeling groggy and still slightly depressed. I forced myself to eat a bagel and decided to go easy on the coffee because my head did not feel connected to my body. Before class at 10:30 I told Josh I wanted to talk later because as soon as got in my car to drive to school, depression, guilt, and disgust was hitting me so hard I could barely walk. I felt like such a piece of shit scum fuck up I couldn't believe. I mean the fact that I had to miss school yesterday because I was coming down from some stupid drug binge made me want to vomit. Magically, by the end of the day these negative feelings vanished, for the most part. 


Normally, I wouldn't of wrote all this. Honestly, by the time either of you that barely check this in the first place it'll probably be March. I mean neither of you really write in your's anymore so unless you just check this in complete chance it'll be irrelevant. I will have to tried to of buried that night deep down inside of me somewhere and most likely Carlye you'll send me some sort of text saying something to make me feel better which I do really appreciate more than you know but I mean...what will it matter then? 


Believe, me I am still disgusted and disappointed and upset about this night. My stomach turns and my mood drops every time I think about it. I know that is something that will never go away. I do want comfort from this stupid night some how. I don't even know if me wanting comfort makes sense but I fucked up so hard it brings me really close to tears.I feel so bad about it on so many different levels I can't even write it the fuck down. I just want some one outside of Josh and Neb to know. Because their best reply was "yeah man it's whatever, you were pretty fucked up." I NEVER want to have that night again ever. That's not me. THAT IS NOT ME. 
I haven't even been myself since I left for Vegas then got moved back. I don't really know whats going on with me anymore, I just need help and I need comfort some times.

So I started looking for a therapist again today. I skipped out on the appointment I made with one a while back. The saddest part about it is, I skipped out on him because I was scared and drank a lot the night before. I was way too embarrassed to even reschedule.

I'm starting to realize I need to make huge change in my life. Really huge. This is not who I was supposed to be.

It finally dawned on me. I'm exactly the way I am because I think my family is so crazy and dysfunctional. My parent's talk about Paige issues and Carter's issues and Dan's issues and Staci's issues with me all the time. Never mine. I've never wanted them to know I have any. I want them to be the perfect child that knows exactly what he is doing, is perfectly happy and alllll that bullshit. That is why I am who I am. That is why I'm starting therapy Friday. Irony isn't always funny.

New rule:

No more drinking alone.

This is going to be one of the most uncomfortable posts I've ever started to write.

So there is this stereotype that girls are really concerned about how the look and their weight and all that shit...but that actually applies to me. It's always been there but its been recently it's been worse because I've been looking back on old facebook pictures and I look less...round? Look I know I'm not a fat or whatever and I know its insanely typical for people to put on weight post highschool especially when you played sports but its been driving me mad. I wanna look that way again and I don't. I know I drink too much and don't work out as much as I used to (I do work out still) but I mean I still like hate looking at myself sometime. That sounds so insanely dramatic but I mean I'll work to look like that again if I can.  Honestly thought this is proof why facebook is the bane of our existence. Also this makes me sound like whiny pathetic bitch.

Side note...
I haven't smoked a cigarette  in almost a week and I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist or whatever the fuck you wanna call them.


Let's see what all this means.

I'm beginning to believe theres no point in blogging anymore. I say all the same shit. It looks pathetic. I'm just gonna wait till something new and worth while happens to write about.

When the new semester starts, so will counseling.

Okay,

I know this is all going to sound crazy but drunk me likes to talk myself. These we're things I said out loud to myself before I was going to go to bed:

Do you think you deserve it?

Yeah I mean sure. I'm just killing myself softly through this shit. I don't do drugs very often but when I do now I'm like fuck it who's gonna stop me hahahaha? 

Look, I know there is a big difference between sober me and drunk me...but drunk me always gets all my true feelings out. Honsetly that conversation with myself sounds way more dramatic than it actually is. I've just drank a handful times and do blow and just get upset with myself in the morning but no one really cares. I smoke cigarettes but not one cares. These are my self destructive materials rather than a razor. I don't like myself when I'm drunk. Like right now.

I just want some to help remind me again that I'm okay. That's all. I need help learning to love myself again. I know you're supposed to do that shit on your own but I can't anymore. I can't. I don't know. For fucks sake some one give me some kind of advice. Or a sign whatever. I hate being this alone.