It finally dawned on me. I'm exactly the way I am because I think my family is so crazy and dysfunctional. My parent's talk about Paige issues and Carter's issues and Dan's issues and Staci's issues with me all the time. Never mine. I've never wanted them to know I have any. I want them to be the perfect child that knows exactly what he is doing, is perfectly happy and alllll that bullshit. That is why I am who I am. That is why I'm starting therapy Friday. Irony isn't always funny.

New rule:

No more drinking alone.

This is going to be one of the most uncomfortable posts I've ever started to write.

So there is this stereotype that girls are really concerned about how the look and their weight and all that shit...but that actually applies to me. It's always been there but its been recently it's been worse because I've been looking back on old facebook pictures and I look less...round? Look I know I'm not a fat or whatever and I know its insanely typical for people to put on weight post highschool especially when you played sports but its been driving me mad. I wanna look that way again and I don't. I know I drink too much and don't work out as much as I used to (I do work out still) but I mean I still like hate looking at myself sometime. That sounds so insanely dramatic but I mean I'll work to look like that again if I can.  Honestly thought this is proof why facebook is the bane of our existence. Also this makes me sound like whiny pathetic bitch.

Side note...
I haven't smoked a cigarette  in almost a week and I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist or whatever the fuck you wanna call them.


Let's see what all this means.