I don't fucking know what I want to do. I just need everything to go one step at a time. Apparently I'm passed that.

One of the nights before the big Mansion party, I spun at a small little grad party with Josh. We booked it on accident thinking it was something completely opposite. We were skeptical at first but the night turned out to be a real good time. We actually ended up spinning a lot of old school hip hop for the adults and talked to them a lot. Anyways twords the end of the night after we were done spinning we hung around for a while to eat, drink and socialize a little. I ended up having a drunken talk (he was drunk I was sober) with the girl's Dad that we were spinning for. He came up to me and started to tell me about how he once had a music career and watched it build up and fall apart because mistakes he made. He claimed to be on top and then next he knew ended up in jail where he proceed to get straight run a couple of successful trucking business that just like any business was up and down. During this talk there was a point where he stopped looked me in the eyes and said, "I can see it in your eyes. You love this. The minute you walked in with your cases and gear I could tell. You're eyes show all your ambition and all your dedication. You're hungry for this. You don't give a fuck about us here, lets be honest, we're gonna pay you and you're not gonna give a fuck about us. And thats okay because you a give a fuck about what you're doing. Remember where you come from, I know you do now but its easy to let slip away. So don't."

In a way, he was right. When it came to little shit like this I could give a fuck less about what people really wanna hear. I wanna play what I love. Not to be a dick about it but its just my passion and I want you to love it as much as I do.

So I agreed with him. I ended up telling him that because of this conversation I gave a fuck about him and what he said to me. I told him I will never forgot where I came from.

He paid us and we left.

Last night I did coke.

I was talking with Able for a while about producing and DJing and how I think him and every one else involved in Frequency was doing a good job bringing in good artists and what not. While we were talking some one came up to him and gave him a little zippybag of coke and he asked if I wanted a bump. I was drunk so I said sure. We walk to the back and he dips his key into the bag and holds the key to my nose. I sniff. We walked back out and we kept chatting. Then suddenly I felt so good and my drunkness kinda disappeared. When I started to come down off of it all I could think about was how badly I wanted to do it again. I felt so good and I was like shit I'd do that again. Quick and easy. It fucking scared me.

When I got home at 9:30 I went straight to bed. I had a really good time spinning and meeting a bunch of new people at the party last night I just couldn't believe I did that. I felt bad. I don't wanna be that guy thats name is suddenly associated with he does coke. I didn't really even do that much but it was a taste. And it was enough.

Before I left for Las Vegas my old lacrosse coach said to me, "Don't get lost in the party."This took place at his office on the my last of day working for him. I laughed it off and assured him that it won't happen.

Roughly 6 months later I realized how easy it is to slip off course and get distracted here. Yes, I've made a lot of progress in DJing. However I've made little progress in producing. Which is killing me. For some reason my inspiration has left me. Every time now I try to sit and get something written I get frustrated and angry and leave. Everything I write I hate. Other people's music is still inspiring me to write its just mine isn't inspiring me to continue. I don't if its because we party so much that some days I can't deal with it or if its because I need a new source of inspiration. This why I'm stoked to come home in July. I want to clear my head and get shit done. Then in late July when I can finally move in to my new house I want to have my keyboard and I want to continue learning the piano. I need something to further myself. I need to find my niche in the producing world. I'm constantly stressing out because Josh and every one around me is telling me to produce produce produce. I'm starting to play out more so I need to produce to go with it.

I have to make everything come together.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Whats crazy is I'm almost like lucid but not really. I can't control my dreams but I know I'm having them. Last night I had this dream I was in a haunted house and I saw a sink going with no one near it and I knew it was a ghost. Then the faucet turned and in my dream I got super freaked out and tried shouting and what not to wake myself but I couldn't fully do it. I remember these feeling of me being half awake but my body was paralyzed. I literally couldn't move for what seemed like minutes. My sheets felt like they're were pushing me into my bed. I did a bit of research on this today and discovered I may have sleep paralysis. It doesn't happen to me often but last night really freaked me out for some reason. Basically its when you're awake and fully aware of your surroundings but can't move. Heres the kicker: I read that this tends to happen when you have a feeling of an ominus presence. I am constantly freaked out by ghosts so I figured...this where that comes from. Pretty much ever since my ghost experience in Dammasch I get randomly freaked out that maybe something followed me or that theres a ghost or something in my room and I can't sleep. So basically this where that all comes from.

Its been an interesting 2 months since my last post. A lot has happened. We lost internet and cable. DJing drama went down then went amazingly. Old friends were revisited and I now have a house in Las Vegas that I will be moving into in July or August with my sister.

On memorial day weekend I went up to Santa Clara to spin a party for Morrie's frat. That party was incredible. I've never seen so many people passionate about the same music as I was. They loved every minute of my set. I ended up networking with a party promoting company down there that wants to bring me back whenever they can. I hope that works out.

Seeing Morrie and meeting his girlfriend was awesome. I got to catch up and see where Morrie's life is taking him. And as always its taking him to great places. I was surprised to find that 2 months or so prior to my arrival, Morrie had been talking to Neb and Josh and my parents. They planned to surprise down at Santa Clara to come watch me spin. Among the group was Josh, Neb, Geoff and this kid Eric. It felt like home. Then another shocking discovery was that they had planned on having Ashley come down and take pictures for the event like the old days. Ashley was always there from the beginning snapping photos of me spinning. She brought a friend of hers along as well. Hayleigh Bailey. I faintly remember meeting her up at Freaknight in Seattle. I got to her know her pretty well that weekend. Every chance we had we were talking about life, talking about the world, family, everything. She was the first person I've connected with in a long time. She and that whole trip in general made me miss Oregon. A lot.

My mom came and visited for 5 days to search for a house. While she was a here a took a break from Las Vegas and just hung out with her and Paige. It was amazing. I felt at home again. My mom felt better about me being gone. She explained how much she hated how the house has change. How she's "adopted" Hap and Ryan even more because she missed having kids in her house so badly. The whole time she was here she kept asking me if I really liked it here. If I really wanted to stay. I said yes and no. I explained, "The trade off from living in Vegas and Portland is its change in networking and people. In Vegas I could meet any one and end up any where. However, the people here are fake and not genuine. Most people at least. In Portland, I have the most amazing laid back people in the world. But Portland has limits. For my career its best to stay here...but in turn I don't get real people to connect with. I don't get to come across genuine people as often anymore. I'll stay here through college and when DJing and Producing allows me to, I will leave Vegas. Maybe not back to Portland but definitely back to a place that feels genuine. When you live in a city thats basically a giant strip mall, you get what you pay for."

Hayleigh has lined up a show for me when I return home in July. I'm looking forward to it. Not just the show but to be home. I need a break from this lifestyle.